Hi everyone,
I have been married for 5 years my husband and I are both 27yrs old (am 9 months older). He is a very affectionate man and has a good heart. We have been having major struggles in the last 3 yrs of our marriage it all started for me when 3 yrs ago we were having miscommunication in our sex life because
1..he once blackmailed me into doing something I was not ready for by saying if I didn't do it it meant I wasn't attracted to him and didn't live him (which made me resent him and till this day the act which is normal in most married couples sex life brings back the feelings of resentment)
2. he would never instigate sex (even though he wanted it as much as me) which made me feel unattractive and like I was begging. the only time he would was if he was desperate because i hadn't instigated in time to meet his need and even then he would do it in such a way that the signals where so mixed I had to ask 'do you want to make love' which ultimately means am instigating.
3. He needed to improve in some areas of lovemaking. I would make a point to tell him all the great things he was doing (of course) and sugesst where it wasnt exactly what i liked(not right after of course) But he would ignore my suggestions or he would give it a go then go back to his old ways.
Apart from that we had problems with communication. My family talks about stuff,his sweeps things under the carpert. Also he had a major problem with apologising when he had done something to hurt me. This was so bad he would change the events of wat happened so he wouldn't have to apologise (family trait). This left me feeling invalidated,hurt and frustrated.
Anyways I noticed he was looking at other women a lot and was acting a little withdrawn. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he had been entertaining and deliberately allowing himself to fantasize about making love to other women. He said he did it because he felt he couldnt make me happy in bed so he fantasised about makin thr women he saw happy in bed. I have never intentionally held back sex from him infact my sex drive is equal to his (thanks to his affection and genetics) I am not overweight (5ft9 140 pounds) or physically unnattractive (i quite often I get blatantly hit on by men). this completely destroyed my trust and devastated me. after getting past the hurt and shock of what he told me, I got angry especially after thinking of how I had been faithful to him and not entertained anyone's advances towards me. After a period of resentment, hurt and anger I allowed myself to entertain someone's advances at work. The most that happened was we flirted a few times. Realising the danger and my need to feel attractive, I completely cut myself from that person by moving to an office that was in a different location to his. Problem is by then I stopped seeing the good stuff about my husband I started to see only the bad,. All our recreational activities are centered around him when i try to suggest we do something i like he conviniently forgets we spoke about it and if we do get to do an activity i like his less than enthusiastic and he will never suggest it again. This upsets me because I often bring up stuff he likes. nearly every phot we have together is us doing the stuff he loves (most of which i have learnt to love). When it comes To conversation, he only talks about his interest which I never used to mind or notice now it's just a reminder of how little interest he has taken in the things I like. Even the affection that had been his strongest point wasnt anymore. many times in the past 3 years i have tried to share my feelings and pointed out that we need to work on our marriage unfortunatly he didn't take my feedback to heart and try to work on it. He is a bit of a romantic who thinks if it's meant to be its meant to be. And because he was so madly in love with me he couldn't understand my urgency. After the mental torture of having to have the same discussions over and over again with promises of making changes then a week later falling into the same routine, we started to have fights, each leading to another fight about the same thing a few days or weeks later. I realised that while I have been meeting his needs and been an attentive lover and friend he's not done the same for me. I began to feel empty and desperate. The last year has been a struggle because I have felt little love for him and even having sex is not as pleasing as it used to be.I have the desire to have sex but not with him because when it's time to make love, my desire which i was very aware of disappears. I have mentioned to him that I am unhappy and I can't live like this anymore. I have mentioned divorce a few times which I know I shouldnt. I was hanging in there being melted by his gorgeous eyes everytime I was ready to walk out until he took a job offer working away from home on a 26 days away 9 back roster without consulting me till the very last minute at which point I told him I was not comfortable with the idea and that we needed more time to talk about it. He told me he believed it was the right thing to do and that he had gotten prayer with members of our church ( before telling me) and they told him I just needed to trust God. A message he angrily passed onto me. At this point I was shaking because this was a new low. I told him that I didn't believe it was cool to bring God into the picture Becuase it made me feel blackmailed and I told that i don't believe God would want him to do something withou my agreement. He then told me that we where in financial strain (something I was unAware of and am still unconvinced about) and he had to do what was right. This was all over the phone. After we hang up I was I disbelief at what had just conspired. anyway he didnt take that offer he apologized for his behavior later that night. .but he took the next offer from the same company saying we where close to financial ruin. He got his way and Despite his apologies the damage has been done. I have been forced into life as a part time wife, was not given a chance to dicuss and formulate another plan. This arrangement is Apparently till we pay our debts but I keep hearing talking about a future with this company. This incident killed the last bit of romantic love I had for him. divorce is the last resort. I would rather fix the mistrust, resentment and hurt that I feel. For a while he held onto the conviction he had done the right thing using the money he makes he makes as proof. I tell him I would rather we sold our house to pay our debts than live like this especially at this time in our marriage. He was still adamant he made the right decision until last night when he finally understood thatihe never had the right to drastically change my life without my agreement especially fully knowing that I object to it. He says he will change and focus on meeting my needs and when he gets back home he says he wants to make a plan to leave his work. I don't trust him or believe him cuz I've heard things like this before. He used to be the so kind and attentive and when I think of who he has become I cry Becuase if someone had shown me he would turn out like this I don't think I would have married him. Then again love is blind. I want to seperated because I feel like I have tried everything and nothing has worked and I don't trust him to change. [spoiler][/spoiler]

Welcome to Marriage Builders ellie.

Is your DH still working in the traveling job?

Do you still work with the guy you were having inappropriate interactions with?

Have you read these? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Hi Brainhurts,
Thanks for Replying. Yes My OH is still working away. No I left that job last year I have not had contact with him for even longer than that. And yes I have read the basic concepts. I think my love bank is empty due to many withdrawals and him making to many deposits. My mind is in agony and I feel I need to seperate due to the fact that I don't believe he will change and he will keep doing things to hurt me and dissmiss me until my live bank is so overdrawn that I hate him. Everyone thinks we are a perfect couple and that he is such a great guy, ( he's very good with other people) I just smile and nod because I know who he is in private.