My wife cheated on me. Twice. What do i do now? I love her deeply still.
My wife and I have been together for 11 years. Married since 2006. We have 2 boys, 5 and 3 1/2 years old. We have also had 2 other pregnancies that were terminated early in our relationship. My wife had a abusive, (Verbally and physically) alcoholic father growing up and had a rough childhood. She was also raped by a family member at 11 years old.

We have mountains of bills, pressures from work and the craziness of 2 boys. My wife has a problem with drinking. She currently has her license revoked for a drunken DUI crash that could have very well killed her. Upon much discussion, she has recently started bartending again, something she is exceptional at. The first guy was supposedly a one time deal and alcohol was involved. (I caught her, she didn't fess up to the affair) We went to some counseling sessions and seemed to work. That's where the rape issue surfaced. Abruptly the sessions stopped. This second BOY is 8 years her junior, a cop and frequents her bar. Again, I caught her. She admits to having full sex with him twice. The thing that is disturbing is that this time, she says she has feelings for him. She claims that he fusses over her and appreciates all the things I "hate" about her.
I will die for this woman. SHe means everything to me. She is willing to go back to the original counselor but I'm afraid it's only to figure out a way to justify getting rid of me. She says otherwise, but I'm scared. can't sleep. No appetite. Sick
SInce this devastating event happened, she has agreed to go back to our original therapist. I fully believe our busy work lives, lack of seeing each other and her alcohol problem have led to these events. Working at bars will stop once summer is over, there's an internship that's starting that will be very time consuming. Interestingly enough, my wife is in school for addictions counseling for adolescents. The internship will be with juvenile detention center kids. What scares me about the counseling is that she says she needs to go to "figure things out." She maintains she loves me still but I fear that she may be going to counseling this time to cut ties. I hope the therapist will see the glaring alcohol problem and begin the steps to recovery. I appreciate all the fantastic advice, but right now I truly believe that I can move on from this and have told her time and time again that once her career is firmly in place, our lives will be more in synch and far less hectic. I'm in a bad place, but not willing to give up yet, just very, very scared.

I've been reading up on the relationships between depression, alcoholism and infidelity and I'm coming to the conclusion that's what's going on here. If that's true, she needs my help more than anything. Two of these are diseases. I wouldn't walk away from our marriage if she were say, a diabetic or had cancer. The big issue here is that she needs to cold-turkey cut this clown from her life to focus on us and at least give it a shot. Which she has said she's willing to do. He's a giant monkey wrench in the plans to move forward.

My suggestion would be to expose her to the director of the juvenile dentention center, kick her out and file for divorce. After you kick her out and take full custody of your children, you can send her a very firm letter telling her not to ever contact you unless she sobers up, stops working in a bar and stops behaving like an alley cat in heat.

You can't mince words with an abusive alcoholic.

Unless she does those things, there is nothing here to save. Your wife is too messed up to be married and you cannot force her to change. The best you can do is protect yourself and your children from her.


She doesn't love you, she is just using you. She says that so you will hang around to be used.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you seriously need a reality check, Sir. Your wife is a time bomb who is too messed up for marriage.

Tell everyone about her affair, her drinking, everything. The cop's wife, all of your parents, everyone. Even your 5 year old should be told his mother is an adulterer and an alcholic. IF you don't tell your children the truth, she will tell them lies and confuse the heck out of them.

Even the dumbest alcoholic knows how to bamboozle a therapist. Going to a "therapist" will not help your wife. It is a waste of time and a distraction when your lives are falling apart.

I disagree. She is an exceptional mother. The only drinking ever going on is when she is at work. If she is not working in a bar, there's no drinking. Simple. There's not a drop of alcohol, in any form, anywhere in our house.

She is an alcoholic and an adulterer. That is not a fit parent. It is a loose cannon. Just because she doesn't drink at home doesn't mean she is sane or sober. The brains of alcoholics are anesthesized for at least a YEAR. Your wife is not sane or safe.

My alcoholic father used to take me to the Top Hat Bar when I was a little girl. And to the bookie's house out on the lake. I would sit in the front seat while he drove drunk. That is the kind of "parenting" of an alcoholic parent. There is nothing stopping your wife from taking your kids drunk driving.

**EDIT**

Lying to children is irresponsible and reckless. And NOT at all advocated by Dr Harley who is a clinical psychologist. Lying to children about the source of tension in their home just teaches them to be dishonest and causes them enormous confusion.

Keep in mind, this poster is here to learn about Marriage Builders, and this is what MB teaches.

5 years old most certainly is not too young. Most kids over the age of 4 understand the concept of adultery.

Wake up, Enginekid, and listen to Melody. If you love your wife, you need to be firm and strong. She is going to walk all over you and hate you for letting her do it. Your therapist will likely explain away your wife's aberrant, destructive behavior when you go to counseling.

You need to set limits with her. Do not use disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts.

Read melody's exposure link by her signature and read up on plan a. In fact, read everything on this site written by Dr. Harley.

Being a drunk is very different from having cancer. She chooses to drink and wh*re around, cancer patients don't choose cancer.

Yes, she needs your HELP. But you are not helping her. You are enabling her, which will kill her. The way to help an alcoholic is to help her hit bottom while protecting yourself and your children. Since you cannot force her to change her destructive lifestyle, what you can do is stop the enabling and remove yourself and your children from her circle of abuse. The things you are doing are harmful to her. Taking her to a "therapist" is a big joke that just gives her an opportunity to use you some more.

If you want to help your wife, you will treat her to the tough love she needs and stop being so waffley and weak. That does not help her or your children.

I just got finished E-mailing a version of the exposure letter to the entire town council about the Police Officer's involvement with my wife. The exposure has begun. Tomorrow I send to individual officers including the police chief. (You need to phone request e-mail to police) I took that advice, soundly. As bad as this is portrayed here, the kids know nothing. When we are BOTH home, we go to playgrounds, the beach, and normal day trip stuff with the boys. As far as they're concerned, It's the beginning of summer. Dad's off(teacher) and we all spend lots of time on the beach. I believe we'll emerge stronger from this with counseling and changes being made on both parts. But as I mentioned, the involvement with the other guy needs to end and be in the rearview mirror. Getting further away every second.

Unfortunately, nothing can be done unless and until she stops drinking and addresses her alcoholism. That obviously can't be done if she works in a bar. Counseling is cute and winsome, but is a distraction from your real problems. A counselor cannot help your wife with her alcoholism.


Just understand that your wife cannot be trusted around your children alone and needs to be watched. It seems as if you naively believe she magically has good judgement around your children but has reckless, destructive judgement otherwise. There is nothing preventing your wife from drinking anywhere, anytime. If you think parental obligation will stop her from harming your children, you don't understand alcoholics.

The problems in your marriage cannot even begin to be addressed until she addresses her drinking problem. Dr Harley wouldn't even take such a case until your wife sobers up.

And please tell your kids. Giving kids false explanations for the source of tension in your home just teaches them dishonesty and causes confusion. There is no reason to lie to them.

That is a good start. Did you read the thread in my signature link? The affair should also be exposed to her parents, your parents, close family and friends. The more the better..

Treating your wife as if she is the equivalent of a poor hapless cancer victim is destructive and dangerous. She will only exploit your naivety and increase her abusive behavior. That misguided attitude will ruin any hope you have of saving your marriage. You can't help her if you are an enabler.

I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself. [27 years sobriety] Your approach is misguided, dangerous and naive.

EK - Don't do halfway exposure. Do it all, do it big, and hit everyone. Tell your kids. You're a father and a teacher - you know kids aren't stupid. Tell them in an age appropriate way, but tell them.

Your WW needs to get accountable for ALL her garbage if she's going to get better.

She needs AA and a plan to save your marriage, not a counselor.

Good luck.

Under the name of "protection", people just comfortably lie to their children. You actually protect your children by giving them the truth. Just make it simple and age appropriate.

Too sad that their parents create such an awful truth that they have to swallow.

I modeled my exposure letter from yours. Thank you. A different one will be going out tomorrow. I need to write it. Her parents, especially mom, knows. She is aware of everything. Many of our friends also are aware now as well. More to follow.

enginekid, have you personally spoken to her mother and dad about all this?

Have you told your DS5? Please listen to what Dr. Harley has to say about telling the kids.

Found a radio clip from Dr. Harley telling children even as young as 4.

The Harley's discuss telling the children even as young as 4 about the affair