Princess.

You were very lucky, I was nursing my 6 months old baby when d day hit, within a week due to the stress and not eating or sleeping my milk had dried up nothing I could do. He was my 4 th baby and all my others nursed till they were 18 months no problem at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is that Al needs to try her best to eat and rest because she could be lucky and still produce milk like you did or it could go the same way my nursing went.

Thanks for all the kind words, everybody.

I feel very messed up. I guess this is shock. It feels worse than I could ever have imagined.

My baby is 16 months old, so she should be all right even if my milk supply drops.

My husband is working awfully hard at this. I think that's a good sign.

Okay, here's a question. What am *I* supposed to be doing right now? Other than trying not to throw up or cry randomly, what's the goal here? I know what HE'S supposed to be doing, and he's doing it. After that first day of self-pity, he's really on the ball (and cursing the mailman for not getting Surviving An Affair here before the weekend, lol)

But what about me? What am I supposed to do to start making this mess better?

I feel kind of useless.

Do you have the book SAA yet?

Need to watch your taker and keep it under control. Ask all the questions you need in one shot about all his affairs.

Eat
Sleep
And exercise
Pray

Al what decisions have you both made regarding his job and work exposure??

I would also reccomend exposing the OW to her FB friends and family as an insurance that the A will not restart etc.
The road to recovery is hard and it has good and bad days, you need to ensure that should there be a bad day your WH won't run back to the OW. Exposure helps with this.

I am glad your WH is doing what he is supposed to do but stay wary because you don't want to end up in a false recovery.

I encourage you to read in the recovery forum. Start at the beginning of the threads to read about how others got started moving through this. SAA will also be a road map for you.

In the meantime ... you are kind of thrown into a position of "Hall Monitor".

1)You will want to make sure 100% transparency is happening.

2)You will be on guard to any breaches in contact with any OW.... verify | verify | verify

3)You will want to make sure you are getting 25+ hours of undivided attention each week meeting each others most important emotional needs

Have you both filled out the emotional needs questionnaires? I encourage you to complete that this weekend in order to know how to meet your most important emotional needs.

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Lovebusters Questionnaire

Because your WH is a notorious liar ... you will need to really work the dishonesty part of Lovebusters.

Radical Honesty Questionnaire

Hi, Almost,

Glad to hear your husband seems to be doing the work, so far. I'll echo the comments of people here to read Surviving an Affair yourself when it arrives. You might also take a look at Dr. Harley's video on infidelity, here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Beyond that, read and listen. Give Dr. Harley's radio show archives a listen (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/), dig around on the articles on this site (the Q&A columns section is the biggest group of articles), read through other people's threads.

Beyond that, as others have said, be taking care of yourself. Eat and sleep healthily, and if you can't, get some medical help to get you through for now.

It's counter-intuitive to some, especially while under the effects of anger to do this part, but it is CRITICAL, AI.

In fact, one recommendation that Dr. Harley has made is for couples to go off on their own for a couple of WEEKS early in recovery to jump-start the recovery.


While you are working on getting EP's and transparency set up, you two should also be setting aside 3+ hours a day to... have some fun.


While you are waiting for the books, I suggest that you start printing articles and questionnaires from the site and filling them out.


My FWW and I spent lots of nights telling each other our life stories... again... even though we've been together since we were 17.

Massive LB$ deposits and quality UA time - intimate conversation, recreational activity, affection, and sexual fulfillment - will help take the edge off for you.

Since WH is home from work for a bit can you and he schedule a few days away for just you two?

Hi, AlmostInvictus,

I heard you were reading Surviving an Affair the other day. That's great!

I also heard that your husband was arguing with you and having angry outbursts. I just want to mention that angry outbursts can't be tolerated in your marriage. A person having an angry outburst is insane. There is no telling what such a person might do, but one thing is for sure: whatever they are doing, it is going to make the problem WORSE, because it is irrational.

Dr. Harley is a real expert on eliminating angry outbursts, so I am hoping your husband will get educated on Dr. Harley's plan and follow it.

Will you let us know if your husband's angry outbursts continue?

He's actually doing really well. We've been talking a lot. An almost unbelievable amount, and about excruciatingly painful subjects, and we've both been calm 98% of the time.

He has been very prone to angry outbursts in the past, but it's pretty clear to me they were to deflect attention from his lies/guilt. He's got very good control of himself bow that he's being honest.

I think when he mentioned angry outbursts, he was referring to expressing frustration, which I don't think is the same. We only argued once, and he got control of it quickly.

He needs to learn to "express his frustrations" in a healthy way. IF he is raising his voice then that, my dear, is an angry outburst.

You must not stand for it. I know he's learning and so it will take some time for him to get used to the new habit.

Next time he even starts to raise his voice you need to have a signal to show you won't tolerate it and set your firm boundaries.

For example put your hand up and say "I do not like your voice escalating and we will talk later when you're calm" and then walk out of the room.

If he has a history of AO it's going to take some time for him to change that.

There is good and bad in this, AI.

For one thing, these painful subjects are probably rather intimate to the both of you, and this can help foster some trust between you. But, you must also remember that the bad feelings that come with discussing painful subjects will be reflected onto each of your LB$ balances.

Take a look at this article from Dr. Harley about conversation;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

He is either insane, majorly fogged out, or still wayward.

I can't believe how badly this is going. I'll try to post more details later...I need help.

We are here for you, AlmostInvictus. Please give us details as soon as possible.

therightthing said he was having some trouble with extraordinary precautions. What is he doing?

Since I posted that he was doing better, he's had many angry outbursts. When they happen, he negates everything good we've done. He devalues my efforts and says I'm not doing enough to make this happen. He tells me I'm not 'getting over it' fast enough, and that I'm hindering our forward progress.

He's broken multiple EP's that HE set out. Small stuff, like taking his phone to the bathroom, but nonetheless. Then he'll say that those EP's are crazy, and he shouldn't have to limit his actions in those ways.

He says things like he can't make efforts to meet my needs or comfort me, because I'm not receptive enough. He lovebusts all over the place and then casually apologizes and expects me to immediately stop feeling hurt or scared.

When I wrote my additions to the EP list (listed on his thread this morning if you're interested) he made it very clear he doesn't like them and thinks they're excessive. He seems shocked by the idea that EPs are a lifelong deal, not just something he needs to do until this all blows over. No female friends was a big problem for him. The guy who's had MANY EAs and a PA, who flirts shamelessly with 97% of the adult female population, thinks no personal friends of the opposite sex is a nutty idea. He said he thinks it's strange that we don't POJA the EPs.

Then today. He says he's 'willing' to follow all my EPs. But that he wants to set out EPs for me (and I made it clear when he wrote his, AND when I added my own to his list, that I was willing to do any and all of the same things if he wanted). And then he said IN RETURN for the EPs, that he wants to look into a post-nup...to protect HIS financial interests if this doesn't work out. As a guarantee that I'm willing to make this work and
make HIM feel safe.

He also engaged in independent behaviour this morning and ordered a new battery for his laptop. On a credit card we just paid off and agreed not to use anymore. Without telling me until afterwards. Then he was totally baffled that this wasn't perfectly fine with me.

Last night he also said he's no longer willing to 'allow me to meet his need' for SF (top emotional need), because he doesn't want to do so with someone who doesn't trust him. And that thinking about SF with me while I feel this way about him makes him feel physically ill.

He keeps saying he wants to make me feel safe and meet my needs...IF I guarantee his safety here. IF I show him something that make it feel 'worth it'.

He talks about how much easier it would be to walk. When people ask him how we're doing, he talks about how hard this is for HIM, and how much it sucks. He never expresses to anyone that he's happy to have another chance, or that he regrets tearing my life apart.

I know I have to make this marriage appealing and I have a lot of work to do. But I feel like I'm getting emotionally punched in the face every time I turn around, and I'm reeling. I feel like I'm being manipulated. And I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Sorry that this is so disjointed. I have no idea what to do. And I feel even worseabout things in this moment than I did on D-day.

Am I freaking crazy? He's doing a really good job convincing me our lack of progress is all my fault.

I'm sorry, AI.

But I am not surprised, as I originally determined from your husband's first post.

It is one thing to think of a once-faithful partner as "foggy", it is another when a person IS just "that kind of person". Your husband is very eager to talk the talk and try to smooth things over but is not willing to do what it takes.

Why.

Because he has been such a liar and adulterer, I'm not convinced he even thinks he is doing anything wrong. He is incapable of seeing how this hurts you. You ARE being manipulated, because he is just that, a manipulator. He doesn't know different. You're looking to change who he is as a person.

His remarks to "show him something that makes it feel 'worth it'" is an attempt to have you remove EP's that he does not wish to follow, it really is that simple. He wants to go back to his regular ways and is manipulating you into letting down your guard.

I'm saying this to let you know that no, you are not crazy. But that is part of your husband's tactic, to have you question this.

Almost,

Your husband needs anger management therapy, or your marriage has no hope.

I encourage you to read through Dr. Harley's Q&A columns on this site about anger:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
. Read Controlling Husband #1 & #2,
. Angry Outbursts #1 & #2,
. Domestic Violence #1, #2, #3,
. Abusive Marriage #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6

Your husband is abusive and controlling. Unless he changes this, your marriage cannot recover, and there will be no point to staying with him.

Dr. Harley's advice to my wife last year:


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2495463#Post2495463