EK, I'm impressed by your start on exposure. Emailing police colleagues and council is brilliant. Now, I'm unsure where you live... but in my neck of the woods, most police stations have a complaints procedure. I suggest you find out this complaints procedure, and put in a complaint about the officer in question's code of conduct. This way, they HAVE to respond and act. It is a complaint that must be investigated. Too often, big departments try to rug sweep. They can't if it is an official complaint.

Don't slack off. Exposure should be a tsunami effect, so hard and fast that the waywards have nowhere to run and have to face the brunt.

Ensure you contact ALL people who MIGHT have an effect on your WW. Not those you think have more influence, but EVERYONE. You never know who may have been betrayed before, or what they may say to WW. Contact them ALL. Especially her parents, yours, siblings, and your kids.

After the letter goes out, contact people. Ask for help in saving your marriage.

Also, listen to Melody. She certainly has an upfront approach but she knows her stuff.

Does POSOM have a FB account?

Can you access his FB friends?

After reading the aforementioned links... read this.

Facebook Exposure Letters

Yes. I have personally spoken to both her mom and dad about this. More to mom, but both are FULLY aware. Full disclosure, including the sexual abuse she suffered at age 11 which was a total shock to them, to say the least. They know.

Enginekid,

Please understand the spiraling nature of alcoholism. Your youngest is 3, she has plenty of time to get deeper and deeper into this pit. At 3, my dad drank a few at a bar and drove home, no biggie right. By 8, driving with us in the car. By 15, he was stealing my money, taking out loans in my mom's name to finance hard whiskey bottles hidden in the house.

This is where alcoholics go when they do not address their alcoholism. I recall one night as a police dispatcher, a 10 year old flying through a car windshield when her father was driving drunk, my coworkers had to restrain themselves from beating this man.

The bar job must quit NOW. The school for addicted youth must stop NOW. How utterly dangerous it is for this woman to put herself in a position of authority over addicted youth, you are looking at a future of some 17 year old kid coming forward with sexual contact with his counselor. She is the last person who should be around these youth.

You cannot save a marriage with an active alcoholic, you need to make immediate treatment and sobriety (including quitting her job today) as condition of your continued marriage.

"Giving up" means letting her go at her own comfortable pace of continuing these dangerous behaviours. "Fighting for her" means taking a stand against it and saving your children.

As much as I hate my alcoholic dad who I cut out of my life, I can't help but hate my mother more for not protecting us as children. You do not put clinging onto a marriage ahead of protecting your children. That is not what MB means by "putting marriage first". It is not marriage at all costs.

It is not possible to save your marriage if she is an active alcoholic. The other things can all be worked on, but alcoholism is not compatible with MB and saving your marriage.

Melody is dead on about what you need to do. She has to hit bottom to change her ways, which in your case needs to involve throwing her out, filing for D, and taking custody of the kids.

This is spot on. the therapist's job is not to solve problems, but explain them away.

Your W doesnt want that, and will hate you for your weakness, while abusing it and while not taking responsibility for her own.

If you were addicted to heroin and given money and dropped off outside a heroin dealers den, what would you do?

Then imagine a police officer came by and told you that you wouldnt face any legal penalties for going in.

Enabling her by telling her all her bad behaviour will be excused is just as much of a temptation. You're giving her the green light to behave badly by telling her all will be excused.

It's not a good idea to enable waywards. Or alcoholics. Both are addictions. Their addiction gives them great pleasure. Much greater than anything in real life. If they can do it without upsetting anyone, or losing anything ..they'll do it forever. teling her she wont lose anything is a huge mistake

Mel knows what she is talking about!

I also think you don't understand the addictive nature of affairs if you think the abuse and rape claim is relevant in any way. I also dont understand how you can believe this claim so trustingly.

Im not saying she's lying. Im just saying you must make very sure the story adds up.

She told you this after she got caught cheating. This is someone who is addicted to having BOTH you and a variety of other men in her life. It's the perfect lie to keep you hanging around without having to change.

Plus it has nothing to do with her decision to have an affair. Anyone, no matter how kind and nice, enjoys attention and admiration. If they unwisely choose to indulge in it, then they've just had their first taste of emotional cocaine, and it will spiral into a full PA if they are not careful.

I'm guessing your wife is an excellent bartender because she's fun and attractive and is a people pleaser. She loves attention, am I right?

She desperately needs to keep you at home while she chases her addictions and she needs her actions to be consequence-free.

If she doesnt learn how to become an accomplished liar - then she cant have her fix.

In the same way that if you feed someone good heroin repeatedly, they will eventually steal; ALL cheaters become exceptional liars.

Read this thread:

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

This is a very wise post on the nature of addiction.

**EDIT**

Note from moderators: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders advice, and do not post on threads of those seeking help with personal opinions that contradict Dr. Harley's standard positions.

Frenchie, kids are harmed by adultery. And by lying to them. Lies and illusions don't make children happy or secure. Your children would have been more damaged if you had lied to them. You would have only been teaching them to be dishonest.

That might be your opinion to lie to children but it is bad advice that has no place on this thread. This poster did not come here to get personal opinions. The sign on the door is Marriage Builders, after all.

This is exactly why people should not lie children.

You need to familiarise yourself with MB concepts, Frenchie.

In this case it is imperitive the children know, because as an alchoholic she is a real danger to their safety and they need to know she cant drive them, for example and why.

Please read the material. It makes a lot of sense.

Dr H was himself a young child when he discovered his grandfathers affair.

Kids are smart. Lets not patronise them.

But most waywards dont love their children and dont care that they are breaking up the family. They only love their addiction. Telling the child the wayward parent loves them is confusing and misleading. The child is then hurt when they see that the parent doesn't love them. Its better not to tell them that. Tell them the truth

With all due respect Frenchie, your opinion directly contradicts one of the fundamental concepts of MB affair recovery which is complete openness and exposure.

Do you know what my reaction was to my mother finally telling us the "truth" at 26 I was terribly insulted that she thought I was a complete idiot in the dark for 20 years. Kids know something is wrong, but learn to hide from the truth, make up their versions of what's happening, and in general, carry these poorly-learned skills into their own adult relationships.

I get it, I'm a mom, I'd jump in front of a bus to save my children. But I'm not going to insult them and lie to them, leaving them to make up their own truth and distort reality.

Frenchie, you've hiding from the truth your whole marriage, you've lived through 2 decades worth of lies, 'forgive and forget', 'sweep under the rug', perhaps you should open your mind to Harley's other ideas and not just the ones that agree with your opinion. Same for this OP.

Here is what MB says about telling the kids:

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn


It applies to drinking problems as well.

Note from the moderators: on threads asking for help, please post with Marriage Builders advice and principles, not personal opinions.

So today began the exposure. The backlash already was tremendous. Spouse told me that cop boyfriend was getting a lawyer for slander. I calmly told her slander is when you lie about something. I exposed the truth. She then told me that he'd have my license plates "flagged" and I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere thru town. I told her I'll do the speed limit, follow all rules and if I still get pulled over, it's corruption, because he already threatened it. Much more was said, I was irrational. . .

How typical of her.

No, he won't do this. I worked in policing myself. He will likely drop her like a stone, he has already made a fool of himself and doing further illegal activities (ie. manipulating NCIC for the plate) can & will cost him his job. As a cop, he knows that a civil slander case (even a founded one) will cost him thousands of dollars to pursue and put his name in the papers more.

You can chalk this up to her trying to scare you to back off.

I can assure you this young man has already been dragged into the office and told to knock it off immediately and end all contact.

It's real funny when cheaters threaten lawsuits over telling the truth. You are right when you say that the truth is a defense to slander. But if they even attempted to file such an action, they would be the one hoisted on their petard because it would give you a chance to subpoena all their emails and phone records which would further prove your case. We have had untold numbers of threats but never have had one follow through. I am hoping for the day one does!!

Please call the Chief of Police and report this! This should not bode well for that RAT!

You are going to become a hero and inspiration to others on this board very quickly with your bravery while blowing this A out of the water and giving yourself a fighting chance to save your marriage. Great job. I do believe you hit bone with that strike.

Can anyone say Nuclear Exposure?