Hello,

I've been addressing an issue concerning Facebook and one of my wife's former lovers.

A bit of history is warranted. My wife and I married in our late 20s. She had 7-9 premarital men, and I had no premarital women. This was an issue for use as we dated, and began to learn each other. My wife now of 22 years is a Christian person, but apparently felt too much pressure and other things upon her, and engaged in this premarital sex. She is very good looking, and I assume she had much pressure asserted upon her. Anyway, for our 22 years of marriage I do not believe she has adulterated, and I have not either.

Her prior sexual partners, however, has been an item of reoccurrance in our marriage. Several years after our marriage I found a scrap book which had many of these prior men in photographs with her, all general in nature, with nothing sexual. However, this did cause some issue between us as to why she needed to keep these men in her memories in such a fashion. She told me she discarded those photos, and I have never seen them again. Several years later, I learned through a college acquaintance that the number of 'boyfriends' she had was probably higher. This was a happenstance conversation with a person that happened to graduate with her from a small D3 college. When he found out she graduated from the same college as her, in the same year, he asked who she was, and realized that he know her. I asked some general and specific questions and realized that I did not address her college years in any detail before marriage. So was I asked about what other men she had, and I find out the 4 turned to 7-9, some depending I guess. This created a very troubling spot in our marriage too.

Now we are at a year ago. I find out she has Facebook friended one of these former lovers. This is the man that was after college and one that swept her away so to speak within about a week. She had terminated a college relationship suddenly to begin this relationship with a man 28 and she was 22. I have asked a lot of questions concerning these relationship, and this one was quite electrifying, as I understand4ed it. Although it was long distance, she visited him every third weekend to stay at his home, and also vacationed together for extended times.

So now I'm going to get a little more piecemeal so to speak. I just happened to look at her friends list on FB (we are both friends), and saw some men I did not recognize, except this man's name. I asked her for her password one night and she gave it to me. I asked her why she friended him, and she said it was curiosity. I looked as the messages between them, and his was asking if she vacationed in his now state of residence, cause he'd like to see her. Her responses where much less direct, and did not even hint to any suggestive interaction. However, my wife did know my feelings about these prior men in her life, and how they did not fit into our relationship in any fashion. Nevertheless, she apparently needed to reunite with this one to find out what was going on.

After this much heated conversation between us (we don't ever really 'fight'), she did reluctantly agree to defriend him; however, this matter has not ever come to rest for me. We have three kids. Looking back, and we've discussed this, she was moody and otherwise different when this was going on. He apparently contacted her over 5 months, and after the 6th request over 5 months to be a friend she agreed. She says that during this time she thought of me and how I would feel. She told me nothing about this at all, until I found out by simply looking at her fried list which we can do as mutual friends.

I feel the integrity of our marriage has been breached. Over a 5 month period of time she debated whether to reunited with him or respect me, and she chose the former. This is very hurtful and disrespectful, I feel. I cannot seem to get this item out of my mind. All the prior occurrences where forgotten/forgiven or what have you. To bring this man, however, back into her life voluntarily is very troublesome. I feel many things are now different, and will forever be different.

Dec, welcome to marriage builders. I understand your misgivings about her contact with this former lover. This is exactly how affairs begin, so I applaud you for snooping and taking the time to nip it in the bud. You are right to be concerned about your wife's boundaries.

My main concern, after this problem has been resolved, is the state of your marriage. How would you describe the state of your marriage? Are you both in love with each other? How much time alone do have each week?

Thanks for the invite. Our marriage seems strong, in areas but certainly less strong in others. My wife has often put friends, church, neighbors, and kids ahead of me. I know I speak selfishly, but that is what I know or at least feel. Our sex life has been lacking always. This has been another back burner item for me, since i understand that her 'many' other men has maybe marginalized the wonderful experience that a man and woman should have as one.

We do speak about this, but it is a reoccurring matter now in my mind and how such insensitivity could occur.

Welcome to MB. Have you read the materials on the site? The basic concepts? The articles etc? I would get the book "fall in love stay in love" and read it with your wife out loud to each other .. and the His needs Her Needs for parents as well. BOTH are FANTASTIC books and make great UA time for drumming up conversation.

You could also print out the questionaires here located at the top of the navigation. Print out 2x of each of them. Fill them out .. and exchange them. I would do this though AFTER you have read HNHNFP so you can get an idea as to what the emotional needs are in marriage.

MNG

Dec, the point I want to make is that if your wife is completely satisfied and fulfilled in your marriage she will be less likely to look outside of your marriage. The romance in your marriage should trump anything she ever had with this guy. That is where I would focus if I were you. Work on making your marriage a passionate, enjoyable relationship for you both.

Thanks. I was a member here several years back when other items surfaced but couldn't get my user name or password restored. The questionnaire is one I have distributed to others. It is wonderful!! I have read, and so has my wife, many couple books, the most recent being the "Sex Starved Marriage". Thanks

I agree. but maybe she will never be actually 'satisfied'. Maybe I came along at a time when it was more important to find a father and provider versus a husband/lover. This has changed things for us. For example, I now look to other women as 'options' since I am told I'm good looking and I am well to do. I had never really looked at other women before, but if she finds or has the need desire to reunite with a former lover, why should I simply sit back and not interact with other women? These are not sexual interactions, but are women who I would have never struck up an acquaintance with but now say why not?

You will find the the MB books will serve you best. you must become PRO at meeting your wifes top 5 needs ... if anything other than the 4 main ones (sexual fulfillment, affection, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship) are in her top 2 .. shes likely to be in withdrawl.

I myself had a sex starved marriage too for quite some time .. but once we began filling our love banks properly (after we discovered what out top needs are) and eliminated all outside sources of intimate stimulation .. things progressed really well.

MB .. combined with the stuff in my sig has done WONDERS. Especially since i have taken on the stuff in my sig alot more and have greatly improved my manly attitude with it and improved my wifes need for physical attractiveness (she didnt even know it mattered that much until recently when i motivated my self to get a ripped body by working out for almsot a year) She can hardly keep her hands off me now! .. Its amazing! Before she could hardly look at me becasue i looked and acted like such a wimp most of the time with no back bone.

MB will and can make your marriage the best its ever been. Just gotta stick with it and burn all the concepts into your head and your wifes .. and become more manly! (work out, eat right (this part is really important for working out and cutting down body fat and building muscle), and meet emotional needs like a pro!

Get going on plan A with your wife .. and improving yourself physicaly. Find out your wifs TOP 2 needs and be the best at meeting them!

MNG

And I would add. I am bitter. To throw that up into my face after all the other items before it? Very very troublesome.

BEcause its wrong ... if you meet the needs of those women (usually intimate conversation) they can fall in love with you ... and if your vulnerable cuz your needs are being unmet .. you could fall into temptation and begin an affair. Thats called a contrast effect. Stay away from it and encourage your wife to stay away from contrast effects too.

erm, because this is not part of building a satisfying, happy, romantic relationship with your wife? it is, in fact, the exact opposite.

I would DEMAND she delete facebook ...

I like this, you are right. I had gained weight, quite a bit actually 50 lbs. And for the 20 or so first years, took up smoking, took up scotch, and the weight. I admit it. Now, I'm back to doing a triathlon, lost all 50, never really was a 'smoker', and don't do scotch, but wine etc. She has definitely also changed since this all occurred, but that creates its own circumstance. Is her change now just a facade, was I really not her soul mate, her true lover. Did I never fulfill her true needs? Very Very messed up.

They dont have to be sexual interactions to make deposits... all you have to do is talk about feelings .. and family and complain about your marriage or "seek advice from another woman" ..etc and POOF .. you have just had intimate conversation that is making love bank deposits into a woman that your not married to.

She has done just that. She no longer visits her account, even though post our kids and her on her wall. I don't want her to not socialize with other friends (female or male no lovers) that she has on facebook.

I do know that. And I know that I am venturing into some gray water. And I want to. I have feelings now, feelings that I have not had for a long time. It is interesting, I guess: something I have never ever explored.

Heres what I did .. I lost 20lbs in 3 months from a lifestyle change. (i hate the word diet it sounds so temporary). I cut out WHITE rice and WHITE pasta all white carbs ... it only turns to sugar in your body anyhow. INSTEAD.. i now eat flaxseed pasta, and whole wheat pasta and very low sugar foods. I eat a TON of bokchoy (steamed in chicken broth yum) and lots of brocoli and i use mushroom soup to make "alfredo sauces" since its low in sugar. That alone has made a huge difference. Then add in some weight training and in between those days i would do cardio on a treadmil for 30mins (started at 15mins at 6mph and worked my way up to 30mins) and rest on the weekends and enjoy some wine etc.

Then delete your individual accounts and have a joint facebook account.

I'm there. Always did weights and now I am back to a very respected body at age 50.

Its a lie ... if these feelings are towards other women .. its a warning sign. You better tighten up your boundries or you will be heading down a slippery slope into waywardism. YOu will get addicted to the feelings like a drug. WHich is exactly what Dr. Harley says being in an affair is like .. your high on feelings you have not had towards your spouse for a long time ... the NEW feeling .. the rush .. etc ... and once it grabs you its hard to stop unless you have a loving spouse willing to kick your [censored] back to reality.

Have you read the basics here? the POJA? the PORA? Have you read His needs Her needs with your wife and discussed the chapters?