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I had an affair with OM, and am now 18 weeks pregnant. My BH knows Im pregnant to the OM, and is willing to raise the child as his own. My entire family think my husband is the father, and he doesnt object. We have one child together who is 11 years old, and we have been together for 12 years. The OM knows I am pregnant, however I told my BH that the OM doesnt know of the pregnancy. Im very worried as my pregnancy progresses because the OM wants to be in childs life, however I just want to run off with my family including my BH and never letting OM see the baby, so my BH doesnt get anymore hurt then what he is right now, I still have feelings for this OM and I cant stand to do this to him, but it is killing my husband and I am willing to do anything for him to stay in the marriage. I dont know if I should tell my husband that OM knows of the pregnancy, so OM can see child, or keep the child away from OM. OMs family know that I am pregnant. I am willing to do anything for my BH, he has proved he is the best dad, provider etc ever. I want to hear from WW and how you and your BH coped during the pregnancy and after, because I feel quite alone in this pregnancy, and Im not sure how my husband will react if it is a boy I am carrying, my BH and OM are the same race. I dont even know if Im going to put my husbands name or OM name on the birth certificate, or who the babys last names gunna be. Im lost and really stuck on what to do. How did you cope as your pregnancy progressed? How did your BH cope? And how was everything after the birth of the baby.
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I had an affair with OM, and am now 18 weeks pregnant. My BH knows Im pregnant to the OM, and is willing to raise the child as his own. My entire family think my husband is the father, and he doesnt object. We have one child together who is 11 years old, and we have been together for 12 years. The OM knows I am pregnant, however I told my BH that the OM doesnt know of the pregnancy. Im very worried as my pregnancy progresses because the OM wants to be in childs life, however I just want to run off with my family including my BH and never letting OM see the baby, so my BH doesnt get anymore hurt then what he is right now, I still have feelings for this OM and I cant stand to do this to him, but it is killing my husband and I am willing to do anything for him to stay in the marriage. I dont know if I should tell my husband that OM knows of the pregnancy, so OM can see child, or keep the child away from OM. OMs family know that I am pregnant. I am willing to do anything for my BH, he has proved he is the best dad, provider etc ever. I want to hear from WW and how you and your BH coped during the pregnancy and after, because I feel quite alone in this pregnancy, and Im not sure how my husband will react if it is a boy I am carrying, my BH and OM are the same race. I dont even know if Im going to put my husbands name or OM name on the birth certificate, or who the babys last names gunna be. Im lost and really stuck on what to do. How did you cope as your pregnancy progressed? How did your BH cope? And how was everything after the birth of the baby. Welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's Concepts? You need to be honest with your BH and tell him everything. How does the OM know of your pregnancy? Are you still in contact with your OM? Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harely telling what you should do in OC situations. Dr. Harley advises a BW and WH on OC situation
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I had an affair with OM, and am now 18 weeks pregnant. My BH knows Im pregnant to the OM, and is willing to raise the child as his own. My entire family think my husband is the father, and he doesnt object. We have one child together who is 11 years old, and we have been together for 12 years. The OM knows I am pregnant, however I told my BH that the OM doesnt know of the pregnancy. Im very worried as my pregnancy progresses because the OM wants to be in childs life, however I just want to run off with my family including my BH and never letting OM see the baby, so my BH doesnt get anymore hurt then what he is right now, I still have feelings for this OM and I cant stand to do this to him, but it is killing my husband and I am willing to do anything for him to stay in the marriage. I dont know if I should tell my husband that OM knows of the pregnancy, so OM can see child, or keep the child away from OM. OMs family know that I am pregnant. I am willing to do anything for my BH, he has proved he is the best dad, provider etc ever. I want to hear from WW and how you and your BH coped during the pregnancy and after, because I feel quite alone in this pregnancy, and Im not sure how my husband will react if it is a boy I am carrying, my BH and OM are the same race. I dont even know if Im going to put my husbands name or OM name on the birth certificate, or who the babys last names gunna be. Im lost and really stuck on what to do. How did you cope as your pregnancy progressed? How did your BH cope? And how was everything after the birth of the baby. Danvich, I've learned that these situations get handled differently each time it seems. None are easy and there are no easy answers, but Dr. Harley has the best approach to maintaining the most positive for the most people in my view. Basically, he would advocate to do what you can to keep the family together and give your marriage the best chance to thrive. The plan is centered here and spins out from there, but at least there is a plan and a focus for the important parties involved. You have a lot of reading to do to grasp the concepts of MB ; without doing so you may not undesatnd fully the advice you are hearing. You are likely to get a lot of different information from various sources if you choose to seek info, but remember that unless one has been in this particular scenario, I truly believe they really can't advise with full understanding. Your situation mirrors my own, but I'm from the other side - the BS. I didn't do everything right and some things we did correctly by accident; other things we just got luck about. I now have a beautiful OC/daughter who I could not love any more, no way; she's the absolute gem in my life and in may ways my spiritual rock, even in her pure innocence. But it was hard to get to this place, and there is a lot of pain that goes along with it. I can't post any more right now, but I will follow you if you continue to avail yourself to the information here and try real hard to implement the strategies. You can look up my thread "Another OC story" as it may give you some insight into what has happened in a similar circumstance. ONe thing I must say, however, is that your life is only going to get better if you decide once and for all to live openly and honsestly like you never knew possible. You have to live the truth. You just do. Without the full honest, 100% absolute truth in your life at all times with all subjects and all people (including yourself) about your past present and future, you will never be whole. You are riding a razor thin line of life now and truth and honesty with give you the balance to stay upright. opt
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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Danvich, you don't need to seek WWs, but those who understand Dr Harley's concepts. The first step is to tell your husband the full truth. This is vital information about his life that he has a right and a need to know. This is no longer just about you. Here is Dr Harley's very specific advice in cases like yours: I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. [/quote] I remember reading that post a few weeks ago, and the above statement always stuck with me. The cause of my husbands greatest sadness, that is so true.
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Hi everybody and thanks for the links. I have been reading up on Doctors Harley' concepts, and have decided to incorperate it into our lives. I have told my husband about the policy of joint agreement, which he didnt seem to keen on but I think he will come to accept, as time goes on, I sense he is depressed, and I think he cant see any good coming out of it, until I can get him in front of the computer to read what Doctor Harley has to say. I tried talking to him about THE TRUTH, about this affair using the policy of radical honesty, but he ended up hurt, so I left it at that, I really need to let it out and tell him. Ive been trying to get him in a good mood to tell him about the affair. Ive been putting together a NC letter to OM (even though there has been NC for 2 months) because there is still feelings for this OM, and I feel it would be the best way of letting him know, to stay away, and that I am only interested in my husband and saving my marriage. Just reading up on Doctor Harleys concepts, I am not so depressed, and I can see alot of good coming from it. Also I know this child is not my husbands. OM lives in the same city as me, but in different suburbs, about 15mins drive away.
I also want to say if it wasnt for me reading up on affairs and pregnancy and coming across a Yahoo answers website, and finding a link to this website, my marriage would be in serious trouble by now. This website has saved my marriage, and Ive learnt alot, Ive spent alot of hours browsing this site, and I would suggest it to anyone in similiar circumstances. This site is a livesaver
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[quote=faithful follower]danvich,
Welcome to MB. First, I recommend you change your thread title. Asking WW's for advice is not what I would recommend. Asking Former WW's with OC experience or BH's with OC experience would be better.
Im not too sure on how I change the topic title, I cant seem to see a edit button anywhere. Sorry
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Dani I'm glad you came back. First your husband. He will need time to heal. Radical Honesty doesn't mean telling him everything if he doesn't ask about it. Just answer ANY questions fully, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed you are. He doesn't have to go to the computer for information, he could read "surviving an affair". It's a good place to start. You should read it too. You: do everything in your power to appease him at this stage. without taking any abuse, of course. There is a term for this and a procedure in MB principles but I can't remember what it's called. Take care of him, he is wounded beyond belief. The NC letter. Let us help you with it. It needs to be right. It needs to be done with your BH -- not delivered by you. NC is crucial. Your BH can contact him - it will further deter and discourage OM. He is a major danger to your marriage and you will have to adopt that attitude toward him or everything will fall apart. I would definitely recommend getting ready to move. Be as far away from this OM as possible. Make it as difficult as possible for him to be involved in your life. I got a court order and by some miracle he signed it. He could go to jail for getting near my daughter. That's what has helped me stay sane. He is scum of the earth and I have no sympathy for him (or anyone who messes with a married woman) (that's a BH's perspective, fyi). The "truth" will include radical honesty going forward, but Extraordinary Precautions will have to be implemented. He won't trust you to run to the store. Let him know where you are. Call him when you're out of the driveway and 5 times per hour if you have to. Don't be alone if you can avoid it. He needs all your passwords for everything. You need to totally eliminate the circumstances under which the affair was allowed to happen -- you'll read about that if you start checking some threads in the SAA forum. Meet his EN's like never before, and avoid LB's like the plague. Do what you can to make him be in love with you- it's your responsibility. I dont even know if Im going to put my husbands name or OM name on the birth certificate, Your husband is presumed the father without a blood test. If OM challenges, fight it with a lawyer. If you want your husband to raise this child with you and for your family to stay intact, there is NO WAY you put OM's name on anything. You have a long recovery in front of you Dani, but you have come to the right place. As I said, my exww and I did a lot of things right and were able to piece together a continued marriage for 8 years without MB (hadn't heard of it). But without a REAL plan for the recovery of the infidelity, we reverted back to the previous ways of life and limped along in pre-affair state until those circumstances fostered another extramarital relationship. Not to mention I had a Physical affair when the baby was 6 months old (I call it a Revenge Affair, but it's just as detestable as any other infidelity, so I hesitate to even use the term). You can recover and you can raise an OC. It's a marathon and will take time and effort and due diligence to the plan; in fact you can have a better marriage than ever before, even with the OC. However, if you don't follow the narrow plan, I can say that trouble awaits. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually it will catch up with you. And I'm sorry to say this but please keep in mind that your BS has every right to walk. If you can get him to come here, I would advise it. You can show him this thread -- especially since he might be wondering what you're doing on the computer. I can't always post so keep up your work and I will get back to you eventually. There are many good folks here to help you as well. opt
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why don't you write some more details about your situation? How are you implementing the strategies you've read about so far?
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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I really need to let it out and tell him. Ive been trying to get him in a good mood to tell him about the affair. danvich, with all due respect, this is a classic conflict avoiders tactic to avoid taking hard steps. Don't put this off one more day. Your husband has to know NOW the truth of this situation. He has to have all of the facts in order to make an informed decision about his life. This may be his deal breaker. Every day that goes by without telling him the truth will be viewed as another day you lied to him and had secrets wtih the RAT OM to which he is not privy. Don't let that stand another day. Focusing on the POJA and other things needs to be put aside while you and your husband take steps to protect HIM and to protect yourselves legally. Tell him the truth. TODAY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would also bring your husband here, show him your thread and ask him to start up a new thread so we can help him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ive been trying to get him in a good mood to tell him about the affair. LOL He needs to be in a "good mood" to be told his wife betrayed him & is pregnant? You really must try harder not to post such nonsense.
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Just compensation. Thats the term i was looking for. Read up on that.
Opt
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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Another excellent radio clip on Dr. Harley explaining forgiveness compared to just compensation. Radio Clip explaining Just Compensation
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I really need to let it out and tell him. Ive been trying to get him in a good mood to tell him about the affair. danvich, with all due respect, this is a classic conflict avoiders tactic to avoid taking hard steps. Don't put this off one more day. Your husband has to know NOW the truth of this situation. He has to have all of the facts in order to make an informed decision about his life. This may be his deal breaker. Every day that goes by without telling him the truth will be viewed as another day you lied to him and had secrets wtih the RAT OM to which he is not privy. Don't let that stand another day. Focusing on the POJA and other things needs to be put aside while you and your husband take steps to protect HIM and to protect yourselves legally. Tell him the truth. TODAY. Without tellimg your BH why your are using MB is still lying to your BH.
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Danvich, you don't need to seek WWs, but those who understand Dr Harley's concepts. The first step is to tell your husband the full truth. This is vital information about his life that he has a right and a need to know. This is no longer just about you. Here is Dr Harley's very specific advice in cases like yours: I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. Where is Pop's? His was a case of where NC was not maintained due to the OM being told about the OC and the OM going to court to get shared custody or was it visitation. He has not posted here in a while. But many a times his posts included how telling the OM and letting him have visitation has caused the scab to repeatedly picked off the wound. He has given reasons why at the time he justified not fighting to keep the OM out of their lives. Yet he has said that he has regretted doing so as well. To me, Pops used money, child support payments, as a way to get revenge on the OM. Which has only continued contact with the OM which only continues to bring more pain. Pop's, if you still lurk update us please. Is anyone in touch with pop's?
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Ive been trying to get him in a good mood to tell him about the affair. LOL He needs to be in a "good mood" to be told his wife betrayed him & is pregnant? You really must try harder not to post such nonsense. She actually said in her first post this My BH knows Im pregnant to the OM, and is willing to raise the child as his own. I think the getting BH in a good mood statement was being honest about OM knowing about the pregnancy. I dont know if I should tell my husband that OM knows of the pregnancy, so OM can see child, or keep the child away from OM. OMs family know that I am pregnant. I am willing to do anything for my BH, he has proved he is the best dad, provider etc ever. I want to hear from WW and how you and your BH coped during the pregnancy and after, because I feel quite alone in this pregnancy, and Im not sure how my husband will react if it is a boy I am carrying, my BH and OM are the same race. I dont even know if Im going to put my husbands name or OM name on the birth certificate, or who the babys last names gunna be. Im lost and really stuck on what to do. How did you cope as your pregnancy progressed? How did your BH cope? And how was everything after the birth of the baby.
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me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
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[I think the getting BH in a good mood statement was being honest about OM knowing about the pregnancy. Which is a conflict avoidance tactic on her part. She needs to tell him ASAP. I don't accept the reason for her delay. Waiting for a good mood does not solve the problem and the longer she waits, the worse this situation gets because her H will find out soon enough that the OM knows. He needs to hear that news from her and not from some other source.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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