Betrayed spouses are often described on these forums as 'bleeding on the floor' when they arrive here.

One topic I feel must be addressed is that very often, there are also vultures circling overhead.

Any woman who approaches a betrayed married man, whose heart is wounded and whose marriage is hanging on by a thread, is a vulture.

Any man who approaches a betrayed married woman, whose heart is wounded and whose marriage is hanging on by a thread, is a vulture.

I thought I would share my own experiences with vultures and invite others to do the same. Lets help stop betrayeds from turning wayward themselves with our experiences.

I've only been in Plan B for one year and already have encountered a couple of vultures.

I practiced low boundaries when I was first married, and had men become interested in me all the time. I soon saw that I needed higher boundaries.

Practicing high boundaries meant no man ever expressed a marked interest in me for about eight years of my marriage.

I thought that practicing high boundaries in Plan B would have the same effect, but vultures are very predatory, even when you have high boundaries. They know that underneath your 'shields' you are wounded and will try to get around the shield.

Vulture number 1
My SiL's dad, also my niece and nephew's grandfather. I had always viewed him as a kindly older man, a roofer who had done some work for me and my husband and given us a great price. I didn't even consider he might be a vulture as he was more than 20 years older than me.

He asked me out on a date and I was so stunned I was rude, which I was pleased about.

Afterwards I learned he'd been married three times and cheated each time. I also discovered he'd conned us on the roofing job.

Vulture Number 2
Vulture Number 2 worked with me, and I had always considered him to be funny, cool and very interesting.

He just started holding my hand when he was stood near me. Very odd. Then sendng me crazy FB messages. When I told him I was married and not interested in dating him he denied ever liking me. Courageous.

I then found out he'd been working the exact same 'moves' on other girls in our circle,and particularly during a heartbreak. And spread rumours about men who seemed to be competition.


Vulture No 3
Vulture No 3 was another colleague. Going through a divorce himself, he portrayed himself as a betrayed husband who was trying to make it work with his wife. While making moves on others

His speciality was sending me late night FB messages. Thanks to him my FB security is now much better. First he tried the 'I like talking to understanding women about my pain' approach then he tried the 'Oh I agree with you, men and women cant be friends' approach.

I then found out he'd been an adulterer in his past marriage and his present one was an affairage in which they were both cheating.

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Please, please, please avoid the vultures!!!!!

If you are practicing high boundaries, then a normal person wont try to break through them.

A normal person DOESNT DATE SOMEONE WHO IS MARRIED, and separated is still married.

And they dont ask about the train wreck of the affair, because they know it's not their business.

Vultures are people who may or not be married but always have their radar on, looking for something better. They circle overhead, watching and waiting. When they find their perfect subject, they immediately approach and feel out the subject. A smile, some basic conversation. Seeing if there is any opening that they can exploit.

For my husband, the vulture was at first a sales person who called on his office ever so often. Then she was at an all day seminar that he was at and she gave him her cell number so he could contact her with any questions he may have about whatever program she was selling. (red flag). He made the first text contact, most likely a business question. Then the we're in Vegas for a business seminar together and she was buying all the guys expensive dinners and drinks as a large group, sitting near my H. She had his number, so she texted him while
He was in the meetings helping him "kill time". They "talked shop". She knew the business and he never discussed it with me. In the end he rewrote our history saying I told him I didn't want to talk about his business. He even flew me out to Vegas that weekend after the first day for a couples trip and I found out later she sent him texts while we were together there. She knew I was there.

Before long she jumped at an opportunity to change to becoming his mentor. Under a guise of work, she began getting him to open up to her more and more about his personal life. She knew about me, our kids, my medical problems, my surgery, my son's problems. Texting once a week turned into an hour a day. Because he had no boundaries, he stepped out on a slippery slope and went downhill fast. Luckily I noticed his pulling away and our intimacy was lost, and he sent him a text that I intercepted.

It has taken over six months to get him back, and it hasn't even gotten sexual yet. I have no doubts it would have if I hadn't discovered what was going on. The vultures are circling. There will be down times in your relationship when needs aren't met adequately. It is during these times that boundaries and precautions that you made together will keep your marriage safe.

I am torn as to whether best compare these people to vampires, or heroin addicts. Vampires I think.

Im pretty sure they are all former cheats.

In their past, they were changed by the A and then got a taste of something they couldnt live without. They followed the A full force into destruction.

Within 2 years, the A has fallen apart and the wayward isnt getting his/her thrill any more.

Having become a blood-thirsty addict however, they need a new thrill.

They dont have their own relationship to suck dry. They need to drain dry somebody elses.

They need that intoxicating mix of guilt and fear and pleasure. To be chosen over someone else. To be adored under the contrast effect.

So they find an innocent. But one who is weak, and corruptable.

How to change him/her over to the dark side? They think. They remember how it was done to them.

Or rather, they dont think. They just follow the inborn instincts of the vampire. Thinking is a bit dangerous as it leads to sane and logical choices.

This is one of the reasons BS are vulnerable for RA(revenge affairs). The Harleys explain that it is our job to protect our lovebanks from others making deposits in our lovebank. We should protect our LB to allow only our spouse to make deposits.

Everyone we interact with is going to make some kind of deposit or withdrawal. So it's our job to protect the wrong people making those deposits.

Boundaries and EPs are how we accomplish this.

Massive bummer! While midst the turmoil post d-night, not one female - married, single, divorced,
old, young, attractive, not-so-much, NOBODY - thought I was worth trying to take advantage
of. Most of them were anxious to facilitate my reconciliation with my (then) WW.

OUCH! I'll carry the burden of being unworthy of being treated like "fresh meat" forever!

LOL.

NeverGuessed.....I am sure someone would have tried. Someone out there, given the right situation.


Indie, at least your very married, once respected gardener didn't find out you were separated from your H and make moves on you. Then, you'd have to find someone else to tend to your lawn and trees................

lmao, me too!

there are several predatory males at my (90% male) workplace, including one winner who spends the day chatting online on dating sites (printing out several copies of women's profiles to our mainly female department printer - NOT his department!), and one who has left his sickly wife, special needs child, and 3 other children, who i KNOW has fooled around with a couple of the, er, freer, women at work. i recken they know i would cut them a new one in a heartbeat, though, as i'm known in the workplace for being no-nonsense. hmm, it's not that i'm not attractive, just too scary! the marine corps sword in my room must put them off...

haha i keep wanting to 'like' posts on here. loved that one Letty

thanks BV :o) i see we've the only 2 still up! getting ready to watch the movie on the napier siege, which we went through. hope they treat the topic properly with respect to the snee family.

Initially my pain from betrayal was too intense for me to even notice the vultures. Thanks to MB, I realised I had always had pretty good boundaries around OS, and set about improving them given my vulnerability to a RA.

Once I picked myself back up off the floor, I noticed the vultures. Having read up on how A's start, I saw how they were circling, with the occasional swoop to see if they could get their prey.

I have noticed that whilst one of them made one swoop in an effort to get the prey, the others are repeat swoopers, definitely trying to confuse and wear down the prey's resistance.

Vulture No 1.
An older colleague of mine who would always conveniently follow me in to the photocopy room. Cliched huh? He certainly is a circler, wherever I am in the office, he is sure to be nearby. No matter where I sit at lunch, he is sure to be opposite me, all the better to try to get glimpses down my shirt if I bend over lol! Flattery and "accidental" touches are his preferred mode.

He is married. Another colleague told me he had an A in the past with a colleague. Gossip? I doubt it.

Vulture No 2:
A mutual friend of Gollum and I. As soon as I messaged him that we had separated, he started messaging me frequently. When I told him Gollum was having an A... of course he had just been betrayed as well. He then asked to meet me for coffee and gave me his phone number.

I remember him telling me once before Gollum's A, that a married woman was chasing him. He said he would not get involved, however he was staying with her whilst her H was away on business

Vulture No 3:
A colleague's H whom I had met ONCE sent me a FB friend request. Months later, out of the blue, he PM's me... "Hi". Fishing. Definitely fishing.

I shot him down by asking how his wife was. And did not answer after he responded.

Vulture No 4:
My supervisor at work is showing poor boundaries. He has told me about his marriage breakdown (recently separated) and gives me frequent compliments about my work and even on some occasions, my appearance. Definitely using flattery.

It amazes me IRL how many BS's become wayward themselves. Actually, of the many BS's I have known, I only know one other than myself who did not become wayward. She is now in a happy relationship, having taken about three years to actively heal and better herself.

ALL of the BS's I know who became wayward are now in unhealthy and unhappy relationships. Even if it is not with the original vulture, it seems to set a pattern for easily succumbing to the next.

I've seen this too. The original vulture wears them down so much, they make even easier prey for the next.

Little did I know until my WH's adultery that my MIL is this woman. She hunts wealthy men (always wanting something better), and at one time when my WH was 19 and she was 42, she jumped in the sack with his 19 year old friend. She has at least 3 adulterous affairs under her belt and my WH (OC BTW).

She is such a selfish woman, and now after this nightmare, I can see how destructive she is as a human. The key to remember as these woman age, and when they get old if they haven't sucked their teeth into a warm body, they end up alone. It is like they have a few good years (attractiveness) to go in and do as much damage as possible in hopes of hooking some good fresh meat.

It is the characteristic of the serial cheat. They have no moral compass and remain wayward their entire lives. They master gaslighting, and I believe they are pathological liars...Master manipulators.

They need massive amounts of admiration, and in my MILs case she wanted money or something better.

She is the biggest influence in my WH's life today. All I can do is protect my children from her. That is one of my only missions in life is to make sure her slimy adulterous hands never lay a finger on my children.

Actually the roofer had done some gardening for me too. And I thought those free plants were cause he was he was family!



I think you run with a nicer crowd, NG. Or you're super scary like Letty!

Hey Letty,

Just saw this post... i missed that doco, must see if it's online cause apparently my H featured in it! He is part of the bomb squad and got helicoptered up for it. I was very nervous considering the guy had just shot another cop!

So i've told you guys on my thread that there are some vultures hanging around my husband atm...

And then this thread got me thinking about who might be circling around me.

I'm very glad i'm on this forum and have tightened my boundaries.

Vulture #1: A workmate. He is about the same age as me and has a wife and DD about 10 months old. I made the mistake of accepting a lunch invite from him about a month after H & I seperated. I was still deep in the fog so of course had no boundaries at all! I don't know what his intentions are but he often talks to me around the office. I do my best to ignore him (politely) and not encourage any conversation! Won't be doing lunch again thats for sure!

Vulture #2: Old workmate/friend from hometown. Has been wanting to catch up for last couple of months. Lots of PM's on facebook that i for the most part ignore! He also very inappropriately asked what the situation was with H and I and whether it was becasue i'd had an affair. I told him i did not wish to discuss those sorts of things with another male! And it's great now because even if i do converse w him on FB my H has access to it so can see everything.

BV, how scary! it was horrible. you can see it on tvnz on demand. i checked this morning, as i fell asleep! there is a IRL follow up tomorrow night with interviews w/those involved. going to tape that one.

after 20 years in los angeles, with no issues, since moving to NZ i've lived 3 doors down from a p-lab, seen the horrible result of drunken teens with the "broomstick" incident, then experienced the siege (we live just up the street). this is worse than anything i ever experienced in LA!

sorry for the t/j!

Yikes, BV. Unfriend this guy. Everytime he messages you he's meeting an admiration need. Your H watching the conversation stops the conversation getting inappropriate, but he's already met the admiration need by then. It's an easy thing to block. I've had to do this.