Did you read this one? HerPapaBear's Thread

Al I don't think you are an idiot at all, this is a difficult time for anyone to have to endure and unfortunately your WH is especially good at manipulating and lying, now you have more details about his betrayals where do you want to go from here?

I don't think your WH can't reform I just don't believe he has started taking the necessary steps to work towards recovery. Had he put in half the effort he put into trying to get reassurances and babbling on about pre ups into your marriage and recovery instead you would have already been in a better place.

I've read through a lot of those two threads. I'll revisit them.

I AM an idiot. I keep trying to believe him. And he's ALWAYS lying. What's wrong with me?!

It's like he thinks this is a game. How many times can he go "Oh, that was a lie. OOOPS! Now THIS is the whole truth. Really this time."

Why would somebody who wants to fix things do this to me?
Why can't he see that he's making it so, so much worse?

Why the HELL do I keep trying to believe him?

ai, you are NOT an idiot. honest. you are trying to be a good, loving wife hoping to get her marriage into recovery, but you are having a hard time with a reluctant spouse.

you really need to think about your line in the sand. it doesn't matter what you were like *before,* because you too can change (clean up your side of the street - the enabling behaviour). are you considering plan b?

The lies just keep coming.

We're up to two PAs and a HOST of other violations.

I feel sick.

AI, I'm sorry you are going through this.

TRT needs to schedule a polygraph, he is still lying through his teeth, and appears to be the kind of habitual liar that can't even sort his own lies straight or sort fact from fiction because he's done it for so long.

You cannot recover without the entire truth and TRT is still lying. Immediate polygraph needs to be a condition of even considering recovery.

After I pointed out several errors in his story today, he admitted to much more in the PA than he originally confessed (and has since been INSISTING is the WHOLE TRUTH).

I am so done with being jerked around.

Here's what I just told him:
To consider continuing with recovery with someone who has obviously not been committed to it or to protecting me, I require:
For him to change the ownership on our car to my name or a joint ownership, so he can't leave me with three little kids and no transportation.
To look into a post-nup that will protect my financial interests in the event of any future infidelity on his part.
A separate bank account with a couple hundred dollars so I have a cushion to feed my kids with if it turns out he's still jerking me around (this would be a temporary measure that I will end as soon as he passes a polygraph).
Looking into keyloggers/controls for all the computers so I can be sure he's not hiding anything from me
I will walk away from and not tolerate any lovebusting whatsoever
If he continues to AO, DJ and manipulate me to the point that I'm questioning my own sanity, we're through (slip-ups are understandable...I will be understanding. Continued abuse, though, is not an option).
He will give me full disclosure on any and all emotional or physical infidelity of any degree, in detail
He will take a polygraph with questions I decide. If it turns out he's held back, lied, or broken no contact, we're done.

When I told him the part about being done if he fails the poly, he dropped the next bomb. The first supposed EA, with my 'friend' was a PA. He snuck out while I was sleeping and had sex with her.

Since dropping this bomb, another gut wrenching betrayal...he's shown zero compassion and quibbled about the terms and their fairness.

Guys, if I'm being unreasonable here, tell me the truth. I'm open to advice.

The way I see it, if he cared about how I felt and the damage I've suffered, if he was committed and telling the truth, he'd JUMP at the chance. And if he's not committed...I can't keep this up. I cannot go through this again a few weeks, months, years down the road. I can't soldier on with a spouse whose more committed to himself and his secrets and lies than he is to me or the marriage.

I can't be this manipulated idiot anymore.

I'd love any thoughts.

You're not unreasonable AI. The only unreasonable person here is TRT expecting you to believe him.

He is likely still withholding more. Sneaking out of the house with his wife and children sleeping, that is disturbing for a wayward even. Did you get your STD check yet.

And please include questions on your polygraph about prostitutes (street, escort, strippers, whatever). I'm afraid you are dealing with a very deep level of PA's then he is still letting on.

Thank you alis. I think I'm being very reasonable, all things considered.

He is already showing extreme reluctance and resentment about these requirements.

I can't get my head around how he can believe that me having a limit, after the EXTREME and long-lived betrayal and abuse, is me being vindictive.

AI,

What were the conditions that allowed his affairs to take place? Phone, Internet, traveling job? Whatever it was those are the conditions that must change.

Do you live near this friend of yours that he slept with? Does her BH know of their affair?

It's because he thinks it is normal and okay for you to sit at home, be pregnant, raise babies, while he goes out and has sex with whoever he wants, whenever he wants. He is self-absorbed, entitled, and a manipulator.

You have decided to finally take a stand against this abuse, and your abuser is reeling back and stomping his feet at this. He is a toddler having a temper tantrum because you took away his chocolate and TV

I notice you guys said "polygraph... even if it takes months" (re: funds).

AI, you won't make it a few months without the truth. You're heading into destroying your mental health here. Do whatever it takes tomorrow to find & book this poly, even if it means a credit card or borrowing. You simply CANNOT move forward until you know the truth, and you don't know it.

Your WH is the idiot.

Your WH is a lying coward.
You are NOT NOT NOT unreasonable.

DITTO!!!

And to be fair,

I think you need the poly for your own sense of closure.

TRT is a broken person with no morality. He has been doing this your entire marriage and here a month later from his orignal sob-woe-is-me post, he is still gaslighting you and lying about PA's.

I would recommend Plan B before you go into a nervous breakdown or some untreatable STD. Sorry.

Borrow the money, take out a credit card, sell some stuff, whatever it takes....because you are heading for divorce and the cost of a poly is peanuts compared to a D.

Don't put it off. Not for another minute. These trickle truth games are going to completely destroy your love and respect for this man and once it gets that far, it is near impossible to turn it around.

Al your requests are very fair and necessary.

I totally agree with everyone regarding the polygraph.

I went through trickle truth and I spent months having to live with a feeling that there was more to my WH A. That feeling consumed me and made it impossible for me to stop bringing up the A and to move on in any way.

I would also amend the EPs list and add firm consequences should any of the EPs get broken.

Was your friend Married at the time of the PA? Because if she was you will need to expose to her BH.

Ask TRT to sit down and make a clear timeline in writing of all the A he had so you can see what happened when and jog his memory regarding any other A he has had.

Is your WH a sex addict? If he is that needs to be adressed too.