He won't be back until next Thursday.

He will be gone on our anniversary.

I wasn't exactly happy about that, but we haven't been the poster children for POJA.

I didn't want to say no because his parents have literally been waiting for years to bring him on a trip like this, and he finally worked it out in his schedule.

I don't necessarily mind that he's going for a week during our anniversary, but I would have preferred going along.

I spent a little over 2 hrs with DH last night. I went to work out with him for the first time in a couple of months. He was a little playful, and he joked here and there.

We then went for a walk around our neighborhood for 30 minutes.

Then I sat with him for about 30 min learning how to help him with some of his other work.

We went to bed, and I told him I'd really like to meet his need and I'm feeling very disconnected.

He said, "I feel the same way."

I'll try again tonight with the UA time and ask him to assist me in meeting his need for SF. I'd like to do a little dancing and I like it when he touches my face.

Maybe we have a shot tonight. I hate feeling so awkward.

Hi Anointed! I just caught up on your thread.

Don't worry about not coaching...honestly it has to come from inside. You are doing your part, and that's all you can control. I'm proud of you!

He is in control of his part. You can smooth the way, but he'll have to step up to the plate or risk losing you.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. Something Steve said to me today was, "Make sure that you know deep inside that you did your part. Then no matter what happens, you can walk with your head held high, knowing you did everything you could do."

I'm actually documenting word-for-word my interactions with my H and sending them to Steve regularly. That's why I haven't been on the forum - really busy assignment! He told me today that I'm doing great, doing my part & doesn't see any DJs, etc. I'm sure this is true for you, too!

The ball is in someone else's court - keep on keeping on!

Anointed, honey, you sound exhausted. Do you think if you talked to your H and his parents about you joining the trip over your anniversary that you all could make it happen?

I think it was marks who said that when women are depressed it's because the love is missing in their M. rang true to me. So I am thinking just acknowledge to yourself that it's normal to feel this way, but like Zhamila said, you are doing the things to turn it around. It'll become obvious when it's time whether you two will fall in love the same way again. I like how you went in a playful direction, asking your H to help you meet his need, being open that you are interested.

Thanks Zhamila and NED.

I appreciate your encouragement, but I really don't think I'm doing that great at all.

I did work out with him again last night, and this time I was the playful one. When we went for our walk I mentioned that I'd done the questionnaire and I knew what my #1 emotional need was: Admiration.

We started to talk about MB, and I said that I'd learned the most with this program. I said something to the effect of, "I am not feeling connected to you." He said, "So you admit it's all your fault."

Now, if I was thinking straight, I would have recognized that he was kidding. But his humor can be very dry. He doesn't usually smile or laugh when he's joking. I've told him it would help me if he did...

I told him, that is NOT what I said. I did not place the blame on anyone and to take it for EXACTLY what I said. "I do not feel connected."

He said, "I was only kidding."

This is where I was the mopey lump that was probably no fun to be around. I could have just said, "Oh! Sorry!" And then kept it light, but did I do that?

Nope.

I did ask if he takes me seriously, and he said yes.

Then I stopped talking. Entirely.

Partly because I just don't know what to say anymore.

We hardly talked when we got home, but I wasn't angry.

There was no SF which I know is a HUGE problem. How could he WANT to meet my needs if I won't meet his? I just don't feel enthusiastic. It's now been over a week. And he's leaving for a week tomorrow.

I couldn't even bring myself to let him know how to help me have SF because I'm not sure what his response would be. I don't want to be teased.

I'm a mess.

NED,

I know I can't go along. DH's parents have 5 kids, and they have taken them all separately on different trips. Although, I don't believe the others were married when they took them.

Oh well.

I know what went wrong.

No relationship talk on UA time.

I guess I should have asked him when a good time would be to talk later, and then I could have focused on having a good time with him which could have led to SF.

I don't know when we'd have time to talk AFTER UA time, but I can see how relationship talk affects the mood.

I don't know that I enjoy our UA time. I need to work out, so I'm glad we do that together. I like walks, but our conversations are lacking (#2 need). I asked him if he could ask about me during our conversation, and he said, "What are you?"

Do you see my issue? I was asking for what I need and he was giving it to me, I suppose. I could've taken what was given, it just didn't feel good to me.

I answered, "I'm a woman."

Do you see why I asked if he takes me seriously?

This is part of the email I just sent MrAnointed: (may have tmi)

Here is a link to my thread.

I am trying to avoid any disrespectful judgements about you, and I think I'm being respectful. I would like it if you'd look at it sometime to see what advice I'm getting.

I know I turned into a mopey lump last night, and I'm sorry. I want to have fun with you. I guess my feelings are just hurt.

It was very important to me that I meet your need for SF last night, and it is also important that the things I do with you make me feel good too. It didn't feel good to try and meet your need for SF when I'm so seriously lacking, just as I'm sure you feel the same way.

That is why I am emailing you what would help me meet your need, and you can decide how to respond.

I want to make love to you. I always want to when I am feeling connected to you.

It would help me if you would just dance with me a little, to county love songs and just touch my face for a minute before you kiss me. I need gestures like that to show me that I'm special to you. It helps me open up, which in turn opens my body to you.

I wish I didn't need anything. I wish that very much.

But I do. As do you.

And I don't want you to leave for a week without me being able to show you that I love you in a physical way.

I'm very, very sorry I have not met your need. I'm trying to learn how to do it in a mutually fulfilling way, and I'm obviously failing miserably.

I love you.
Anointed

So when DH got home for work, I asked my DS to watch the little one while daddy and I talked.

We were going to talk, but that always messes up SF. So I just went for it, and it was great!

He thanked me a couple of times.

He leaves tomorrow afternoon.

I'm glad I tabled the talk for now, and it didn't kill me.

But I do need him to meet my needs. Somehow.

Have you heard this?

Radio Clip on how to get your spouse on board with MB

Oh man, BrainHurts. It was blank! I read the discription and was glad to listen, but it had nothing to play.

It says 0:00 to 0:00.

See if it repeats if you try it a second time.

Did it work? I tried it and it gave me 10:29.

Here it is again.
Radio clip on how to get your spouse on board with MB

Weird. I keep refreshing and it still says 00:00 to 00:00.

???

Are you able to listen to any of the clips on here?
Could it be your settings on your computer?

Can you try from a different computer?

I figured it out. I found this segment in the archives but cannot listen to it unless I am a member.

Hi Anointed. Hope you're doing ok while your hubby is gone.

I don't have much time to comment on your last conversation with your hubby, but I think that your saying, "I don't feel connected to you," is a perfectly legitimate thing to express. It's like in the article, "when to tell your spouse 'we have a problem.'" The fact that he immediately blamed YOU is a problem. Wow.

Also, if you bottle up your feelings (like saying, "I can't talk relationship during UA time, EVER") this is an indication of how not "on board" he is with MB concepts and how little he cares about your feelings. Your posts always point the finger at yourself, but it is very clear that he is definitely NOT caring for you - his actions and words are speaking loudly.

As I said before, the more honest about your feelings you can be, the better chance you have of either:
1. allowing him to join you in fixing the marriage, or
2. smoking him out of hiding to admit he doesn't care about your marriage

He either cares or he doesn't. His actions aren't convincing me that he cares.

I wonder what Dr. Harley would say on the radio? When's the last time you received his advice on this?

Nope.

Anointed was right to recognize that (especially at this point) bringing up complaints during UA time isn't always a great idea.

UA time is supposed to be pleasant, and be spent meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs.

Now for conversation;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

Also from that article:


Lol, it reminds me of how H and I used to have "conversations" years ago, which finally stopped when I said, "Here's the part where you say x, then I say y, and you respond with z, and then I cry and throw something. Amiright?"

It was ridiculous!

During UA, it is much more effective to go for positive reinforcement of what you do want rather than talking about anything negative. Like if he were to pick up your hand while walking, you'd smile big or flirty or just say how much you like it; skip the part about how he hasn't done that in years.

If you're not feeling connected, make a move toward connection. Pick up his hand. Squeeze his bum. Just move closer. Tell him a story about yourself he's never heard before.

Seriously that was his response? "What are you?" This shows a startling lack of care for your feelings...no wonder you don't enjoy UA time. No wonder it didn't feel good to you!

You are gently asking for what you need. You are spending time with him, you are meeting his needs. And you are getting burned over and over.



I am so curious what Dr. Harley would say to your situation right now. You sound exhausted, you sound like you're doing your part. If you aren't getting your needs met, and you keep getting hurt...then what happens next?