I will also respect Steve's advice if he says not to expose to OW's BH.

I appreciate all the opinions and interpretations of all the principles. I know deep down I should send the letter. That's why I did the Facebook letter to him after she texted my H. I am very non confrontational so really this all goes down to fear. I learn so much from all you vets and drink up every piece of information I can so I can change our marriage, affair proof it, and build romantic love.

I know my situation isn't as bad as most out there, so I appreciate every single post you have made to me. If I didn't have you all, I wouldn't have made it through. So thanks, and please, keep your feedback coming!'

Just another update:

Appt with Steve Harley went well this morning. H is working on a Weakness Protection plan that he will send to me that will match is weaknesses with specific actions to protect himself from another EA.

I asked SH about whether or not I should expose affair to OW's BH. He says that because her last contact showed the indication that she would no longer be contacting my H that at this time it is not a necessary part of our recovery. All my focus should instead be on our marriage and affair proofing it with protections and strengthening our marriage. If she needs encouragement to leave him alone in the future (because she goes around the blocks we put into place) then we will notify her family. "Is it the right thing to do further down the road? For now let's just focus on making sure parameters are in place. "

We are moving from the injury treatment phase to the "exercise program". Learning and encorporatong the MB principles. We will be learning next about how connectiveness occurs. Sounds exciting. May be close to time to move the thread to the recovery board!

Thanks!

Another update (if anyone is listening):

We each met with SH Monday for our own individual sessions for about an hour going over the basic MB program.

I have been on AD meds about a week and it has helped me to stop crying and start focusing on meeting H's needs better. H has sent an email to the Scoutmaster to reduce his activity but will be taking a week long camping trip with them in 3 weeks. During this time I have told him I will need him to find a way to talk to me on the phone for at least an hour a day. He says he doesn't know if that's possible. Conversation is my top EN, so I am really not looking forward to him going away. Any suggestions for us would be appreciated.

Our biggest problem remains UA time and his love busters. He has undiagnosed ADD and just has a hard time focusing on all the aspects of MB at the same time while running a business. I am a stay at home mom, so I have more time to read the forum and listen to the radios show, which helps me stay on track.

Has anyone else had a big fear that at any time things will go back to the way they were?

Thanks,
TinT

You need to POJA this camping trip.

Can you go with him?

I will talk about POJA-ing the trip. Especially regarding him contacting me during the week. I have to stay home with my 3 year old, so don't see how I can go unless I bring him and my 15 year old, but the trip isn't for families so not too sure how that would work out since I couldn't stay with the troop.

I just want it to be over with. Wish I could spend the week at a beach with my other two!!! Once he gets back I'm going to start working for my husband in his office two days a week. Should be interesting and I'm looking forward to it. I miss working and the conversations I get with other people.

Thanks for always posting, Brainhurts. It means a lot.

Haha I understand because when I was first here I wouldn't get responses for days so I try and pay attention to those posters and see where I can help.

Is this troop with one of your children? Yes POJA the trip and contact.

Unless you're both enthusiastic about it then it doesn't happen.

Yes my DS13 is in the troop and going on the trip. It is 15 boys and 4 scout masters/assts. it is in preparation to go to Philmont next summer. For the past 2 years he has been an asst scoutmaster with increasing involvement, but also forcing my son to participate. DS13 only likes the camp outs and not the rest, so H has been forcing him to go to the weekly planning meetings.

After the trip, we've decided to let DS13 decide for himself if he wants to get his Eagle and H will slowly pull back involvement. I don't think it is right to force DS13 to do scouts if he doesn't want to. H thinks it is for his own good to make him complete it. Another area for POJA.

When we were Girl Scouts and my mother, a leader of our troop, had to be with us during camping trips, my dad always came with our younger sister. They camped nearby and it turned out no one minded at all. He hated being separated from my mother and found ways to be close without being in the way.

TinT -- Is your husband going to Philmont? If he is, there will be zero contact with you for 10 days.

I think this is something we will do in the future. Since they are leaving in under two weeks, I'm pretty much left to sacrifice once again. We just can't come to a mutually agreeable solution.

I do believe his plan is to go to Philmont. Have you been and will there be no cell phone reception there?

Question of the day regarding POUA:

Would you consider a group fitness class such as Body Pump as UA time, RA, or both?

Since you will be in a group, it's not UA time at all, even though you could be having lots of fun. These kinds of activities can be scheduled AFTER ensuring the minimum 15 hours a week.

Thanks for your reply. I was afraid this was true. We are working through the MB program and still we have trouble finding enough time for UA. We need to work harder and get more creative. This is what drove us apart and this is what will bring us back even better than ever.

My husband is having a hard time meeting my need for conversation. Some times our conversations seem superficial and I just don't get a sense that his head is all there. Many times I'll be talking and then I'll realize he has picked up his phone and is reading facebook posts or email. It really sends me a signal that he doesn't want to listen to me and he can't really talk in an intimate way. He does many of the other things to hit my top emotional needs, but conversation is my top need and I just don't feel close to him like I once was so our conversation isn't intimate. The conversations we share could be one I could have with any friend.

So my question is how do I address my issue with conversation without love busting him as his top EN is admiration and anything he perceives as criticism doesn't help him make changes? So much of what I say seems to come off as criticism of him.

Time for Undivided Attention means putting away all electronic devices, all distractions, and focusing on the conversation. Have you read this article about conversation? (not that I'm saying at all that your conversation is boring and unpleasant.) Conversation

The thing about ENs is that meeting them needs to be enjoyable for both spouses.

IC is likely not your H's top need and therefore you will need to be sure this time is pleasant and rewarding for him as well as for you.

First you both need to come to an agreement that UA time is time spent meeting the top four emotional needs, without distraction. No kids, no friends, no electronics.

Schedule your time religiously! Plan the activities during those UA times. Five steps to Romantic Love has a copy of the UA time chart. Here's the link about UA: Undivided Attention

What are your H's top ENs? If SF is one of them, Dr. Harley recommends plenty of IC before SF. Why? Because this is one way for a wife to feel bonded to her H. But it has to be enjoyable for the H, too.

Are your conversations pleasant and enjoyable, balanced, full of the friends of conversation while avoiding the enemies of conversation? Do the conversations include topics he enjoys?

One of our new habits is to have some of our UA time in bed, naked, just chatting and being affectionate. Many times, it does lead to SF, but sometimes it doesn't. Either way, H loves this time together. We never did this before, and now it's our habit. Certainly works to make our conversation enjoyable for him.

Here are some good ones on Intimate conversation. Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on intimate conversation
Segment #2
Segment #3

Are you trying to talk marriage talk all the time?

Brainhurts,

The segments were great. Thanks for sharing them. We listened to them together and then I began trying to express my problem with our IC. I explained what I wrote earlier today about how I use conversation to investigate and that is why he is able to talk openly, however, when I leave a pause of time (30 seconds to as long as several agonizing minutes), he does not reciprocate. I told him how this makes me feel: like he isn't interested in me. After that he said nothing. I waited 5 minutes for him to say anything and he said nothing. Finally I said I'm going to brush my teeth and I did. When I came back into our room he was gone. I got into bed. Waited 10 minutes, he never returned. I snuck into the kitchen and there he is standing there reading his phone. I asked him what he was doing. He says reading. I just got so upset I said 'whatever' and went to bed.

No we really haven't been spending all our time talkig about our relationship. I really try to focus my investigative questions on his topics of interest. If he doesn't know what mine are after over two decades together, then it just seems hopeless to me. I am so so sad right now and alone, once again.