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The good old MB phrase is "This is what it will take to keep me in the marriage"

Unless you still want to be up all night 20 years from now. Or in a psych ward.

I would go to her with a plan to sober her up. Get on the phone to AA and find a list of local meetings. Ask for the phone # of a female sponsor. When you confront your wife, I would have a list of the meetings and insist she start going today.

I would also call the female sponsor beforehand and find out if there are any female only meetings because your wife is a serial cheater. Mixed AA meetings could be a disaster for your wife.

And why in the world would you lie to your kids about your wife? To whitewash her crimes? WHY? They will find out!

Look, my friend, in under TEN MINUTES, you got independent notes from three veteran peer-counselors here telling you EXACTLY the same things.

The only things we want to hear from you is "Thank you", "Got it", and "Will do".

Do not bore us with "You don't understand..." or "But, she's special...", or our least favorite, "But I think...."

We DO understand, she AIN'T special, and your supposed "THINKING" it was fine for a cheating alcoholic to work serving alcohol got you here. Rely on us to get you out.

Why don't you go fish her panties out of the hamper and put them aside for now. In the meantime, go order this semen testing kit: http://img.brickhousesecurity.com/catch-a-cheater/popups/pop-up-checkmate.html You can just see for yourself if she spent the night with her girlfriend crying. That is not even a creative line of bs. I am disappointed. Most alcoholics have more snap than that. I guess she thinks you will buy that story or she would have come up with a better line of bull.

Love the testing kit idea. That would be an amazing piece of evidence for your exposure and documentation for the courts.

When are you going to sit the kids down and let them know they still have one sane, honest parent?

That they can tell you all the crazy stuff they've seen?

If you're tough enough, you may be able to give your wife a reason to apologise to them and show them how she will get better, further on.

But your job is to do your part first.

Also while you're looking up AA meetings for your WW get yourself into an al-non group for yourself.

Hey guys, I'm thinking about taking her car away from work and telling her that I'll pick her up when she gets done. To be home. I have coverage for the boys. Good idea?

Are you even reading our posts?

I'm sorry bad idea. Moment of weakness. It's late. . . It's when the insecurities are at their worst.

So what is your plan?

Here's my plan. WIfe left for work at 3pm. It's now 7 AM and she texts me telling me she'll be home in an hour to celebrate our ANNIVERSARY. Yeah, that's today. Last night she texted me claiming that she'd be home "I'd never do anything on our anniversary day" I text her "WHere are you. Truths." No answer.

Here's my plan. Her Mom. who is no stranger to dealing with alcoholism and interventions, she successfully had one not too long ago that seems to have rescued one of her sons from the pits of alcoholism. Along with that and treatment, He is now in recovery.
I'm telling her that she needs to go and stay with her mom to start making some serious choices and make some decisions. They live 3+ hours away. I want her Mom to come pick her up and do exactly what she did for her son to her daughter, my wife. Her unwillingness to 1. admit a problem with drinking and 2. stay away from other guy is stymying any chance we have to work on things.
She needs to get away for a few days. No car. Leave the phone. She's away from here, the bar and HIM and may be able to start getting the help she needs. This cycle of destructive addictions (Him and alcohol) is destroying us. I'll be telling her this. Whenever she decides to walk into where she lives. . . Enough is enough.

Have you put a GPS on the car WW drives?
I highly recommend you do this.
Even if she is not going to be driving for awhile.
Do it anyway.

The GPS is going into the car this week. Need to get the right one from a family member who uses them on delivery trucks where she works. She's getting one for me.

Your wife will probably be happy to go away for a few days as an empty gesture if it gets you off her back and she can resume her A when she gets back.

There's also the 'you're controlling me' card. Has she played that one yet? Prepare for it.

Still, its worth a shot. While she's gone you can get snooping tools installed to get evidence together which you will doubtless need.

You put your tippy toe in the water but did not go far enough. Staying with her mom and asking a falling down drunk to make "serious choices" is insane. What if she makes a "serious choice" to continue her affair and stay drunk? You need to give her CONDITIONS. Here are the conditions you give her:

1. do not ever drink again
2. enter a program of recovery for alcoholics [if it is AA, then she should only go to female only meetings and have a female sponsor]
3. never set foot in a bar again
4. affair proof the marriage

Asking a falling down drunk to "make decisions" is crazy. You need to lead your falling down drunk out of the ditch and meaningless language will not achieve that goal.

Be SPECIFIC and be FIRM.

Am I missing something here?

She currently has her license revoked for a drunken DUI crash...

She needs to get away for a few days. No car.

So your way of dealing with a round-heeled drunk, forbidden to drive by your state, is to hand her the car keys, and eagerly await her return at 7:00am from a job shift that began the previous afternoon? And have the stupidity to accept, and ask us to believe, that she has been with her girlfriend, crying?

Your title is so devastatingly appropriate it's shocking. You have to stop being a pansy, my friend, scared of her disapproval of your initiatives.

Your marriage and family will stand ZERO chance until your replace abject fear with stern control and controlled anger.

I'm having some trouble with the controlled anger at this point. SO much has gone on, so quickly that I'm just about at the point of not being scared of what she does or what happens to her. That doesn't change the fact that the long-range plan here is to be married stronger than before.

So what are you saying? What is your plan?

I just don't know what my plan is anymore.