DITTO x 10

Not ready yet. Still got some fight left in me.

You want to fight a manipulator?

You may want to go back a read your posts from the last couple days.

Hello, I'm b_r

QFT!

No, I don't want to fight him. I want to fight for the marriage...if it's doable.

I know my line. I know I'm not crazy. And I won't be taking anymore abuse.

Yes...this approach is where I'm at. Reason hasn't worked at all. I won't be engaging in any future justifications. I've told him again and again, he has the choice here. He doesn't HAVE to meet my requirements. But they are am will continue to be my requirements to attempt marital recovery.

We'll see.

His anger is a tremendous problem. Anger management counseling starts Thursday.

I hope not...for your and your children's sake.

I have walked in your shoes...married to a serial cheater that I share young children with. We are now divorced.

Your WH is not sincere...keep your guard up. Prayers to you.

Thank you. I'm wary.
Hanging onto the last bit of hope and waiting a little while longer, but very wary. I think he's got a shot...but I'll need to see some action instead of words. A lot of action.

I can't believe it took me so long to get a clue. If I'd found some balls when this all started, we could either be SO MUCH better off by now...or at least done with the bullcrap.

I haven't read thru your WH's entire thread, just have followed along with the last five or so pages and just skimmed thru the first 15 or so.

It is quite disturbing to see that he is essentially doing the same things he was doing close to a month ago. Professing to be completely on-board with recovery and learning about MB, while continuing to trickle truth you. He is a VERY good actor.

If your WH has not come clean and made a commitment to practical radical honesty, the rest of it doesn't matter. My STBX did the MB online program with me, coaching with Steve, read the books, wrote out his EPs but he had never completely revealed his secret second life and remained wayward...and had another affair.

The only way that you will know that he has completely come clean (which I am very sorry to tell you that I do not believe he has) is if he takes the poly.

Schedule one tomorrow, AI. I am very worried he is trying to say and do all the right things and hoping that you will never follow through with it. Ask me how I know.

You nailed it Susie. That is what happened after he revealed the PA a month ago. He told me I was crazy and these measures were excessive and draconian. He said he WOULD do a polygraph, but he guaranteed he would resent me for it and it would make our bad situation worse. He swore up and down, again and again, that he had finally come clean. Slowly, I backed down and dropped the poly.

And he was still hiding the depth of the PA and ANOTHER PA at the start of our marriage.

And now he's acting the same way about it? RED FLAG. I don't think he's come clean yet either. Regardless the poly is NOT an optional step and I won't be staying married without one.

Writing out that conversation from yesterday where he was pitching a fit about my requirements was eye-opening. He was so irrational it was unnerving. So many words and cruel tactics, and it all boiled down to 'You took control away from me so I'm MAD and want to hurt you'.

He may have had a lightbulb moment by the end of the night. I'm hoping he's begun to see the reality of his behaviour toward me...but I'm not holding my breath. Very wary. Waiting to see some actual changes/action this time.

Hi AI, I've been reading your thread. Its great that you will take a stand and will no longer take his abuse. Its not always easy to be thick skinned around a wayward, but try to remember you are not crazy, nor is it crazy to want to fight for your marriage. It takes strength and courage to stand for your marriage.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing we could all benefit from, but don't beat yourself up, you made your decisions based on many factors at the time. Maybe now you are in a better position and armed with knowledge and support of MBers. Try not to focus on what might have been, or what you should have done, focus on what you want now.

Hang in there and stay strong.

His anger worries me.

What in the world does he have to be angry about?
He would be joyful and enthusiastic about this new lease/opportunity if he had any brains.

I think his fall-back reaction is anger when he fears more of his lies are about to be revealed.

A man who has nothing to hide usually welcomes the opportunity to prove to his love that he is now honest with her.
SuzieQ knows. Yes, she knows.

He's going to go to "anger management" and lie about what makes him angry.

No one can POJA safely when their spouse is angry. I think your requirement for honesty angers him. After all, his lies and secrets were 'never a problem before'.

This marriage has a new paradigm.

Wake up, Mister Wilson!

AI- heard you are shopping around for a poly- they cost approx 500, dont cheap out! get an ex FBI/COP that does it. these guys know how to catch a liar. I am telling you! the shear fact that he was in the business of catching liars was enough to scare the crap out of us both.


there are different types of test- i did a single issue- with a broad question, that he said 3 ways. this was in addition to all of the pre test questioning about the meaning of words, so we were clear on the meaning of things.

i will look for the link about polys.

He's currently using his "reptilian brain". Which is why convincing him with logic will not work. He's fear based currently.

Web search "reptilian brain".

Polygraph Testing

bh- you are too quick!

I think she meant to say "Thank you".

Very true.

AI, I encourage you not to take too long to get this polygraph set up. If you want him to meet the new higher standard, you're going to have to hold him to the fire.

I want to give you a belated..... Welcome to MB, AI!

I am late to this party, but have just read your thread and think you're amazing! You've been through hell, poor love.

Just wanted to chime in here. Plan B was DESIGNED for your very situation. Whether you file for a D, or not, you need the sanctuary of Plan B in which to heal. I say this as a one-year very happy Plan Ber who is halfway through a divorce. (Lots of Plan Bers have to file for financial protection, anyway)

Plan B is often misunderstood as 'winning the wayward around'

No, no, no, no.

Plan B is for the betrayed wife's sanity and peace and healing ONLY. In Plan B you do not wait for him, you create a new life and people will not even be allowed to speak his name to you. You create a wayward husband free universe.

The Plan B letter - well I balked at writing it. After all that's happened - and to get lack of remorse to boot - how can you offer another chance? Even if you link that chance to tough conditions and an assessment that they are really repentant? ( I would make a condition that he shows full repentance and apologises to all - or that he can convince Steve H that he's repentant)

I am grateful every day that I wrote that letter, however. There were times during the initial weeks of heartbreak when I wanted to call him and wanted to see if he missed me enough yet to be sorry.

The letter nips that foolish instinct in the bud. You know they have an easy way home, but that they are too stupid and unrepentant to prove themselves through conditions.

It removes all doubts on the matter.

If you don�t want to send the letter, you still need to put up the Plan B wall of silence and install NC any way. He is an angry toddler who will demand continued access to you for cake eating. He will become a harassment nightmare.



You can only 'fight' for the M (Plan A) for a few weeks in total - then you must Plan B.

If you stay in contact for longer he will not take you seriously and it will affect your health.