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Joined: Jun 2012
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Hello- I am at a place in my life where I am growing weary of disrespectful judgments,fights, and screaming matches...to make a long story short- 5 years ago I had an affair- mainly emotional- and my spouse can't seem to forget it. My infidelity has come up repeatedly in arguments, and I feel like I will be forever judged, unable to move forward and freed from my past sin. There have been disrespectful judgments and name-calling most of my married life....I feel like I have been verbally abused repeatedly..I have been considering divorce...I am so tired of being the "bad" person in our relationship- forever walking on eggshells and avoiding confrontation with my spouse...does anyone have any suggestions?
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Hello- I am at a place in my life where I am growing weary of disrespectful judgments,fights, and screaming matches...to make a long story short- 5 years ago I had an affair- mainly emotional- and my spouse can't seem to forget it. My infidelity has come up repeatedly in arguments, and I feel like I will be forever judged, unable to move forward and freed from my past sin. There have been disrespectful judgments and name-calling most of my married life....I feel like I have been verbally abused repeatedly..I have been considering divorce...I am so tired of being the "bad" person in our relationship- forever walking on eggshells and avoiding confrontation with my spouse...does anyone have any suggestions? Welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds like you haven't followed the path of recovering from you affair. Was your A exposed? Do you have EPs in place? Have you answered allnhis questions
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2012
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We started reading Dr. Harleys materials about 2 years ago..we have about 4 of his books...when it came to the chapters on Love Bisters, my spose stopped reading...doesn't want to take blame for any of MY mistakes...very one-sided...I shared my A with him 8 months after it occurred
Can u remind me what EP's are?
And the allnhis questions?
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Joined: Nov 2010
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2012
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Not sure what OM stands for either...sorry..
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Joined: Apr 2001
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How long married?
Any children?
Who was the affair with? How did it end?
Do you ever see the affair partner again?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Married 23 years. Two children 22 and 19. I called the affair partner and ended it. Have never seen person again...nor have I wanted to...I knwe the whole time I was selfishly getting my needs met in the wrong way- was disgusted with myself for a long time...
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Married 23 years. Two children 22 and 19. I called the affair partner and ended it. Have never seen person again...nor have I wanted to...I knwe the whole time I was selfishly getting my needs met in the wrong way- was disgusted with myself for a long time... And have you given your husband all the facts about the affair? Answered all of his questions truthfully and fully? I am trying to understand what is keeping him so triggered.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes, I have...I think what is keeping him triggered is that he suspects I will have an affair with every man I know...I was biking at our club with a male trainer and my husband walked in. He was very angry..I have tried to explain that nothing inappropriate was going on..other people were in the room... my husband just doesnt trust me.
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Yes, I have...I think what is keeping him triggered is that he suspects I will have an affair with every man I know...I was biking at our club with a male trainer and my husband walked in. He was very angry..I have tried to explain that nothing inappropriate was going on..other people were in the room... my husband just doesnt trust me. Here Recovery After An Affair Also I would notify MODS and have this moved to SAA. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2012
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Thanks for abbreviations.
My husband and I have a very dysfunctional relationship. Ive never been able to share an opinion that is different from his...scared of him.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Thanks for abbreviations.
My husband and I have a very dysfunctional relationship. Ive never been able to share an opinion that is different from his...scared of him. Do you have the book Surviving An Affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 14
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Yes..thanks for the help. I need to go now.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Yes, I have...I think what is keeping him triggered is that he suspects I will have an affair with every man I know...I was biking at our club with a male trainer and my husband walked in. He was very angry..I have tried to explain that nothing inappropriate was going on..other people were in the room... my husband just doesnt trust me. That seems pretty normal to me. The solution is stop putting yourself in positions that cause him anxiety. You could have got a female trainer or not gone at all. If your husband does not trust you, then you can surely understand why getting a male trainer would upset him, can't you? Trust is an instinct that people have and your husband rightly has an instinct not to trust you. If you want him to trust you more, then you have to practice trustworthy behavior and not do things that upset him. Its really not that difficult to figure out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Thanks for abbreviations.
My husband and I have a very dysfunctional relationship. Ive never been able to share an opinion that is different from his...scared of him. smj, we can help you turn your marriage around if he is willing to use this program. Would he be willing to go through this program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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doesn't want to take blame for any of MY mistakes Why should your BH take the blame for YOUR mistakes? I can't remember seeing that suggestion anywhere in the Harley books I've read. From the rest of your messages, I get the impression that perhaps your H is acting that way because you are not taking steps to earn his trust again. In fact, that incident with the male trainer suggests entirely the opposite. This is something my FWW and I struggled with a lot post-A, and it did incredible damage to our recovey. She thought that she was doing what she need to do, and I didn't agree. And to top it all off, we both were not sure what had to be done until I started reading here. The end result was incredible damage was done to our recovery.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Joined: Oct 2009
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Thanks for abbreviations.
My husband and I have a very dysfunctional relationship. Ive never been able to share an opinion that is different from his...scared of him. smj, has your husband physically abused you? Why are you 'scared of him'?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 14
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Hello again,
I need to know whether I should abide by my husbands request... About a month ago I was (very innocently in my mind) biking next to my trainer at an exercise studio and my husband walked in the room (others were also present). My husband immediately became suspicious due to my past EA ( 5 years ago) and he banned me from going to any exercise classes from this trainer.
I feel I am being held in bondage by my past, not forgiven, and held to over the top expectations even though I have promised that I have determined to remain faithful.
I have even invited my husband to attend classes with me- but he is unable due to work schedules.
What should I do?
thank you.
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