seeking advice on how or ways to regain trust with a spouse (diamond 5143) after being deceptive with money, credit cards, inappropriate emails with another woman but truthfully not being adultress from a physical standpoint. I love diamond 5143 with all my heart and want to earn her trust back, please help.

Welcome to MB.

Have you finally come clean to her about everything?

PORH
Honesty and Openness

i realize and understand as members read my issue that i will be critized, however i want people to understand that i love my wife very much, i also realize that love is only a word and actions to show your love are two different things. i know time hopefully will prove to my wife the loyality and respect that i have for her, at least i hope so anyway.

So what actions have you taken?

Have you come clean on everything?

i have come totally clean with diamond, however once again when trust is damaged how is she to know that, time will tell. at least when i look in the mirror every day i can tell myself that i am totally honest and clean with her but at the end of the day she has to realize that. actions you ask......i love her to death and will continue to do the things that makes her happy and to be very transpereant wth her.

It will take more than time.

That doesn't say much. WHAT are you doing?

WHAT AM I DOING.......telling the truth, no hidden secrets from me. I have learned a valuable lesson over the past months, honesty is the only way even if the subject matter isnt very good. My problem in the past was to just tell her what I felt she wanted to hear, lesson learned. Again, WHAT AM I DOING....living the truth each and every day but diamond will have to decide if that is the truth. Time will for sure tell. I know I am on thin ice but I also know I am not going to fall thru the ice and sink.

That's a good start on what you are doing.


Notice how FAST you moved from "what I am doing" to "what have I learned, what have my problems been," etc.


What does that mean? Can you be more concrete/specific? "Living the truth" doesn't really sound like a specific thing you are doing. It sounds more like a platitude or religious faith or something. I don't mean to mock religious faith and words of wisdom, but can you be more specific about what you are doing?


Wow, see how fast you went from yourself to your wife? Trying to put the burden on HER. What you are telling us is that you are doing everything right and that now she needs to accept it. That may not be what you MEAN, but that is what you are saying.

A thinking suggestion: since you have caused a lot of damage to your marriage, there is a big burden on you to clean it up.

A doing suggestion: have you read through the Basic Concepts on this site?

She's been doing that for years, and look where it got her. No, it's not up to her to 'decide' truth from fiction. It is up to you to be 100% on board with recovery, be 100% transparent (so that she can 'verify' when she needs to), and for you to tell her the truth - you're the one who is left standing with the bloody knife, you're the one who needs to prove yourself as being truthful. Have you scheduled a polygraph to answer her questions.

Excellent radio clip on lying.
Radio clip on liars

Transparency is one way to rebuild trust. So HOW are you going about BEING transparent?

Some ideas:

1. Install a keylogger on your computer(s) and show your wife how to use it. Once she knows allow her to set up her own password so she can check up on you or not at her own leisure. Also be sure to leave the computers sitting around so that she can check them anytime she wants.

2. Keylog your phone as well

3. Put your cell phone bill in her name and give her password access to the online billing system

4. Since you've been financially deceptive as well...all bills and bank statements should be paper bills (no more paperless) and your wife should be the one getting the mail and all bills should be put in an open bin sitting on a open counter somewhere in the house available for her inspection at any time.

5. Your paycheck should be direct deposited into your joint checking account....which your wife also has online access to at any time

6. Your phone should GPS you so she can see at least where your phone is 24/7

7. Your phone should always remain on and you should make a habit of checking in with your wife by call/text many times a day

8. insert your own ideas here


When you live an open and transparent life as though you were being videotaped 24/7 ....then trust returns...in time. Neither my wife nor I check up on each very often...but we can at any time.

Mr. Wondering

thanks for the comments and suggestions mr. wondering. we are actually currently doing a lot of the suggestions you made. i know i just need to continue to take baby steps to win her trust back and i know i can in time. i know their may be hiccups down the road but i want to always moving forward by taking two big steps at a time and if i end up taking one backwards we will still be ahead of the game. for all those reading this, dont think i will be seeking to take steps backwards, i just want to be clear on that.

Did you listen to this?