Okay, I have verified that my wife is not cheating on me. I put a VAR in her car and I put one in our bedroom for when I am at work. Nothing special on the tapes other than her talking to her girlfriends. She said she was going to work late last Wednesday, so I went to her parking lot and she did stay at work and I didn't see anyone leave after she left. Same thing Friday night. She said she was going out with the girls, so I again went to the parking lot, followed her to a Chinese restaurant and saw 2 of her girlfriends there waiting for her. The VAR confirmed what I was seeing.



The one puzzling thing about working late; she's in customer service. the phones go off at 5PM. there is nothing there for her to do once the phones go off.



So I have been supplanted by her girlfriends. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 months, hasn't had sex with me in six months. Today is my birthday and she left a present on the counter for me but didn't say a word to me.



I don't know what's going on? I have read every link that you folks have pointed me to. I have other web sites to try to understand her. She will not tell me what brought her to this point of no talking and no sex so I have to way to gain insight from her. If I can't understand what is going on, how am I supposed to make any changes? This is baffling to me, as I said in a previous post, she has stated in MC and other times, she does not want me to leave but her actions say otherwise, at least the way I interpret them.



This whole passive/aggressive not talking, no sex, completely ignores I exist is mind boggling...

Unfortunately, if your spouse refuses to meet your needs, there is not much more you can do. I would keep watching her to see if anything turns up, and in the meantime, follow the strategy outlined by Dr Harley in this article: When to Call It Quits - Part 1

This, and no SF? She is using you to pay her bills. If you have ruled out an affair, I would suggest that you see if you can get her to counsel with Jennifer Chalmers - you can schedule that on this site. Barring that, I would file for divorce and stop supporting her single life, which is what she is living right now (with your financial support).

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

Bravo - you've described a very tough case. I certainly don't see some easy or obvious solution that you've simply missed. Your wife's lack of communication makes it very difficult to know what is going on or what you can/should do differently. Difficult, but not impossible. I do see some reasons for hope and continued effort.

Let me say in way of support of previous posts - there are quite a few red flags here suggesting some sort of affair. As you said, something is likely filling in the gaps for your wife. Remember, there are different types of affairs now days. If anyone outside your marriage is meeting your wife's most important emotional needs, she will be drawn away from you and your relationship. She won't want to invest in improving your marriage. So, if she is involved in some sort of affair, it MUST be found out and exposed because the mind warping effects of the affair will make recovery impossible. Certainly continue to snoop aggressively but do so for the right reasons - because you want to save your marriage. Everything you do should be motivated by love for your wife and a desire for your mutual happiness. I often warn people not to become totally consumed by the possibility of an affair. Treat the possibility seriously and do your due diligence. But don't lose track of your ultimate goal - a loving, safe and happy marriage to the mother of your child.

Whether or not there is an affair, there are undoubtedly aspects of your relationship that need improvement, and many of those improvements are yours to make. You don't need to feel helpless and baffled. There is much you can and should start doing, regardless of what your wife is/isn't doing. This is good news! Harley's stuff can help you know what changes you should start making. Busting up an affair (if it exists) is not enough. You need to do your part to create the marriage both of you desire.

One of the powerful things about Harley's material is it gives you a structure, a program, something you can wrap your head around and start using. It gives you a sense of power and control. You can't control your wife but you can begin to control yourself. You can make changes in yourself that will dramatically improve the dysfunctional behaviors and habits you and your wife have fallen in to. You have mentioned how baffled and confused you feel (understandably.) Harley's material can help you start to unravel what up until now has been a mysterious meltdown.

How much of Harley's basic concepts have your read? Did you gain any insight in to how/why you and your wife have fallen out of love? Using Harley's material, do you know what her emotional needs are? Do you know what love busters you may have been committing against her? What have you decided to do differently based on what you've come to understand?

Though you may feel like it, you don't have to be a victim here. Regardless of what your wife is doing/not doing, feeling/not feeling - you can control you. Up until now you haven't known what to do. Hopefully that will start to change.

So my suggestions are: If there is an affair, find it and stop it. Consider counseling with the Harleys. Read Harley's books (I suggest Fall In Love, Stay In Love for starters.) This way you can start to understand and meet your wife's emotional needs and avoid love busters. You keep doing this calmly and persistently until she comes back to the table.

What do you think?

Bravo - how are things going for you? Any progress with your situation?