Hi there, new here to the site.



I have a big problem trying to decide whether to stay or to leave my wife. Currently my life is a living hell. Our marriage seems to be over. If there is any hope I'd like to hear some opinions on saving our marriage.



Here is some background on us:



We've been married for 7 1/2 years. We have a five year old together and she has a 10 year old and a 15 year old from her first marriage. The house is hers. I pay her rent and I pay some of the bills. We signed a prenup so she keeps everything if we get divorced. It was her house I see no reason for her to have to split it with me if anything was to go bad.



I work 3 12.5 hour shifts overnight. She works a typical 9-5 job. I am home for when the kids come home from school. I am there to take them to any activity they may need a ride to. When I first met her her two kids where in day care, since we've been together I have been able to be there for the kids so it was a savings financially.



Here is the crux of the matter, one of her weapons she uses on me is the silent treatment. It can go on for weeks and/or months. Currently at 4 months. We went to see a marriage counselor at her request, she asked me to set it up and she would attend. We went for six sessions and then she quit going. She felt counseling wasn't working. I went two additional sessions to show her I was willing to work on the marriage hoping she would attend but she never did. The psychologist in the very first session asker her if Bi-polar disorder ran in her family. I'm guessing based on what she told him he surmised there was something there to suggest this disorder ran in her family but I don't know if it did or not. In the third session the psychologist said that my wife was showing signs of depression and that she needed to see an individual counselor and meds. She wouldn't have anything to do with it. Now, I'm no psychologist but to me I don't see signs of depression, she showers every day, she never misses a day of work etc., Things I would think are signs of depression but like everything else I guess there are varying levels of depression. In any regards, she denies she is depressed.



Back to the silent treatment, when it first started happening, I would grovel at her feet asking what is wrong and she would not answer. After three years of this, my defense mechanism was to turn the treatment right back on her, if she was giving me the silent treatment, I wouldn't talk to her until she approached me to discuss whatever was going on. It may have been wrong of me to employ this method but I was at my wits end with groveling. My defense backfired on me because in the end, I was getting blamed for starting the silent treatment... But it did force her to the table to talk. If you have ever suffered from someone giving you the silent treatment you can understand how devastating it can be. For those who have never experienced this, it is an experience you will not forget. You are set back on your heels. You always feel as if you have done something wrong. It makes you feel so unimportant. I can go on and on with all of the bad feeling you get while you are receiving the silent treatment. Now, there is no getting her to the table to talk. She stonewalls me. Gives short curt answers. She doesn't engage in any conversation.



The non-existent sex life. this started about 18 months ago. In that time we have had sex twice. In the last four months it has gotten to the point that when I come to bed she tucks the covers in under her so I can't come near her. If she forgets to do that, she moves as far away as possible in the bed so there is no contact between us. I stopped initiating sex last year when the problem first arose because I was sick of getting rejected which only wound up as resentment towards her. So to keep from being rejected I waited and hoped she would initiate sex but she has not and from what I already wrote does not appear like she intends to with her actions in bed.



She comes and goes as she pleases leaving me home with the kids. She goes out every Friday night with her friends. Doesn't tell me where she is going or what she is doing. We can be sitting there watching tv and she will just get up, hop in her car and be gone for an hour or so and come home with a cup of coffee, like that is what she went out for. Meanwhile I'm sitting there not knowing where the heck she went.



When we go out to party's or other social events, she is more than happy to introduce me as her husband, makes like everything is okay. As soon as we get home, she goes and sits in her chair and right back to the life we have come accustomed to. She will not talk to me and when we go to bed I get the same treatment. It just boggles the mind how someone can go out like that, pretend everything is great between us, then come home and I think she might have changed but I get the usual treatment.



I have asked her on four different occasions if she wants me to leave and she has said no, she wants me to stay. Yet, her actions say otherwise. She makes me feel unwanted in every way. She makes me feel like she doesn't want me in her life anymore.



I called the marriage counselor and asked him to set me up with an individual counselor because I cannot take this anymore. He said he would see me. In short, he feels she has some personality problems, like she holds things in and will not explain what is going on but I have to figure it out. If she gets angry she doesn't know how to express that anger so that we can resolve the problem. He was speaking from what he saw during our marriage sessions. My main goals was to figure out what I am doing wrong in this relationship because I know no one is perfect but I can't get those answers unless she talks, which she won't. The psychologist gave me a question to ask her to define our relationship, Are we just friends living together? Are we roommates sharing expenses etc., She won't answer me. The next thing was for me to set boundaries like I am not going to tolerate the silent treatment anymore. That didn't do any good as this current silent treatment continues.



From what I can see, my wife has emotionally checked out of the relationship.



Is there any advice as to how to right the ship and get this marriage back on track?

Write the radio show, joyce@mbradio.com, and include your whole post.

If I were you, I would try and get your wife to counsel with Dr Harley's daughter, Dr Jennifer Chalmers. She may be able to get through to your wife enough to get her perspective. Marriage Builders is completely different from traditional counseling in that they actually have a step by step program that restores the romantic love to your marriage. Many here have used the program to transform their marriages. The Harley's don't counsel couples together [terrible for marriages] so you would counsel with Dr Chalmers on your first session the time and she would tell you what to say to persuade your wife to get on the phone with you. If she will agree, then thereafter, the sessions would be split 50/50.

I can't tell from your description if she is actually in a state of withdrawal or if she is in a state of conflict and is using silence to punish you. Another thing that concerns me is that she might be having an affair. The fact that she goes out on her own and diappears for long periods of time could be an indicator of an affair. I would not ask her, but start doing some sleuthing and see if you see anything.

If Dr Chalmers can get through to her, she could get you guys on a program that can restore the romantic love in your marriage. It is a very strict, step by step program that almost always works. What has happened is that your lives are not set up to sustain a marriage. You work opposite shifts, have virtually no time alone and engage in an array of lovebusters. IT takes at least 15 hours per week ALONE, meeting each others emotional needs, to maintain the romantic love in your marriage and I am certain you don't do that at all. You can't sustain a marriage like that. Dr Chalmers would help you change your lives to complement your marriage.

But please start snooping to see if she is having an affair. None of this will work at all if she is having an affair. Has she ever had an affair in her past?

The thought of her having an affair has crossed my mind because she went through all of my stuff like I was cheating. Secondly, all of these Friday night things with the girlfriends, I have no idea who these girlfriends are? And with the slient treatment comes secrets because I have no idea what she is doing and she doesn't have to tell me as she isn't talking to me. She used to text me all night at work, now I get nothing. Someone is filling that gap.

But in my honest opinion, she is not cheating.

As for her withdrawal; She is doing it with the entire family, the kids and me. I get the brunt of the silent treatment but she is definetly withdrawn like she doesn't want to be home. Her daughter (the 15 year old) asked her one night why she came home angry every night. That almost got her kicked out of the house.

With my wife quitting counseling, I'm not sure she's willing to work on the marriage so I don't know how I can get her on the phone with Doctor Chalmers?

Put a GPS on her car and a VAR in her car and a keylogger on her computer.

Can you check her phone or online phone records?
Keylogger Programs
VAR
GPS

If she isn't having an affair then you'll know for certain.

She sounds like she is cheating so I would check it out. All you would have to do is hire a PI to tail her one Friday night and you would know for sure real quick. If she is having an affair and you don't know it, then nothing you do will be of any effect and you are in danger. An affair exposes you to STDs and financial and legal ruin. You can't assume she is not; you must check it out and find out for sure.


This is classic behavior of a cheater, by the way. They become estranged from the whole family. The anger is a mechanism to keep distance between everyone else and her.


Dr Chalmers would give you some talking points to induce her get on the phone. She may ask you to ask her to get on the phone to get her perspective so she can better help you. Then once she gets on the phone, Dr Chalmers will sell her on the program. But if your wife is in an affair, she won't want to try, that is why it is so important to find out what she is doing.

Has your wife ever had an affair before? How did her last marriage end?

This will solve the questions.
PI

Bravo, can you slip some spyware on her phone?

To my knowledge no my wife has never had an affair. As for her last marriage ending, in putting together the things she told me and he ex asking me how I enjoy the silent treatments, it sounds very similar to the way this is going to end.

I cannot get near her phone. She takes it everywhere. She has in iphone and she uses that for everything. I have checked her call log, nothing unusual there. Her text messages are all to girlfriends.

It will take me a while to find out if she actually is cheating.

Anyone have any other ideas as to why she would shut me down both emotionally and physically?

She booked a cottage for the week of the 4th of July, no discussion with me about it she had one of the kids tell me, back in February. Saturday night one of her girlfriends told me she and another girlfriend would be coming up for two nights and I already know of two other girlfriends coming up for another couple of nights. She seems to be filling her week up but not to spend it with me.

She makes sure I attend all of the kids functions with her. She makes sure I go to any party one of her friends are throwing. Basically, anywhere you would want your husband for the outside world to see, she makes sure I am there but at home, I don't exist.

Please read these.
How affairs Begin
How To Avoid An Affair #2

Ok, I can see why people are thinking my wife is cheating but let's go back a bit. When the sex started to stop between us 18 months ago, I thought it was menopause. She's 47. Before that our sex life was pretty good. Usually once or twice a week.

After I thought menapause was causing problems we had a big fight in November about sex and she claimed she said she would enjoy sex very much but we had another bout of silent treatment. Then in December we went to her holiday party in which they rented hotels rooms for all of the employees. When the party was over we went up to our room and we actually started to have sex but then she stopped right in the middle and what I could get out of her was that she had an infection. Later I found a medication at home for treating yeast infections.

Another round of the silent treatment which ended in February. I went to a daddy daughter dance and when I came home she practically raped me. The one of two times we did have sex in the last 18 months.

Then we started the marriage counseling but we never had sex again. And she completely shut me down as far as talking and everything else. She just withdrew completely. It's been like that since.

She has never admitted to actually going through menopause, the closest she came to admitting it was when the marriage Counselor asked her and her reply was, "I'm at that age." She has been on five different medications all related to menopause.

When I brought up menopause to the psycologist he said to put that on the back burner because it really didn't explain how she treated me or the kids.

I don't what the heck is going as she will not talk about anything. Even the marriage counselor was stonewalled. How do you get through to someone who will not answer you?

Her ears still work. I will compliment her knowing she will not respond. I take the kids out to give her quiet time at home. I cook. I clean. I do a lot for her but somehow, I'm not doing enough for us to turn a corner and go back to having a real relationship.

Have you seen these?
How To Make Your Wife Happy

The question of the ages: How Can A Husband receive the sex he needs in marraige?

That is not why I think she might be cheating at all! Her emotional detachment, anger towards you and her unexplained absences are suspicious. I can't emphasize to you how critical it is that you investigate and rule this out. If she is having an affair, then anything you do will be a waste of time.

Bravo. It is actually easy to find an affair if you try hard enough.

Often waywards will put the OM's number under a friends name or a girls name in the contact list to fool you. Have you verified the identity of all the numbers?

Have you considered that your wife may be having an affair with another woman?

I have finished verifying all the phone numbers she has called or texted and they are either girlfriends or work related. All of her girlfriends are in my phone as contacts so that was easy to verify.

And no I have not considered another woman since I have been with her and our talks she was dead against ever being with another woman. If it someone it's a man and he has to be work related. I say this because the nights she stays late is always work related.

I don't know anymore. I cannot believe I am that naive not to notice she could be cheating. I have been focusing all of my attention on finding ways to get through to her, show he I still love her and of course "fix" the relationship.

I'm at a loss... I can't understand why she would insist on seeing a marriage counselor and then not even attempt to work at the relationship but meanwhile she's off hopping and bopping with someone else? Makes no sense to me or I am in complete denial? I feel like an idiot after reading all of the responses.

It is CLASSIC for a cheater to seek "marriage counseling" so they can exit the marriage by saying they "tried everything." Most cheaters do not want it known they ended the marriage over an affair. It also puts them at a legal disadvantage in many states so the motivation to keep it top secret is very high. Why else would your wife go to marriage counseling and not sincerely be seeking solutions? She is not serious, obviously, so there is something else going on here.

Most people are shocked to discover that their spouse is in an affair. And maybe it is not an affair, but you have to investigate and rule it out. There are several red flags here that warrant a deeper look.

You are not an idiot Bravo. Far from it. I remember how it feels to think that you are a schmuck. Those days are over for you because you have found MB and your next step will be to rule out an affair.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) and a GPS in her car. Try to get spyware on her phone and put a keylogger on the computer. You really never know where you will find something so look everywhere.

Think like a warrior.

Are you sure? My FWH put OW name under a work colleague's name to fool me. It did fool me ... for quite awhile. Then I got smart.

Please do the above and or hire a PI like we suggested. PI