I'm posting this for everybody who is hesitant to use an IM, DON'T BE!

A little background. Plan B is for you, for your healing and is godsent! Without it, it is so much harder to come to a good place for yourself and your children.

I have a fairly intense case, I'm applying for international relocation. I went into plan B with the most wonderful IM. The best I could wish for. Of course WH balked at the use of an IM and got the courts involved. Because of the difficulty of my case, my atty strongly recommended that I stop using the IM. As relocation, and especially international relocation is difficult, I chose to stop using my IM. The road to healing has been much more difficult, but thanks to the support of many here, I am doing exceptionally well, so THANK YOU!

We are now going through custody evaluations and I had an interesting conversation with the evaluator. He had gone through a nasty divorce many years ago, and he told me that he had friends read all communications from his ex and tell him whether there was anything he needed to respond to. He almost never read his ex's communications and said it was a great path to healing for him. They also helped him take the sting out of his responses.

Now, not all evaluators go through nasty divorces themselves, so not all understand the importance of it. So it is important you take the initiative to explain the why's.

When there are children involved communication between parents is crucial, so make sure you have a good IM. Being there for the children as an excellent parent is crucial as well, therefore you need to heal yourself. Being continuously assaulted by an ex or wayward, is interfering with being a good parent and helping your children going through the divorce. They need at least 1 sane parent.

To show that your flow of communication is not hampered by an IM, the IM should keep records of all emails sent, preferable have a 'read-receipt' through Outlook, or other programs. There are programs specifically for legal professionals that store all information with regards to emails sent and read with date and time stamp specifically for use in legal cases.

If you use a non-MB IM, I suggest your IM reads the topics here about being an IM, but also to read the book by Billy Eddy called 'B.I.F.F.'. This book specifically addresses communicating with high conflict people (as all waywards are). His approach is

B Brief, no more then a few paragraphs
I Informative, address the issues and actions
F Friendly
F Firm


So, use the IM, it truly is for your benefit. Prepare information for legal professionals why it is in the best interest of your children, to have a healthy parent to help them get through rough times, but most of all, document all communications to show it did not hamper effective parenting.

Thanks MFJ.

I hope posters will heed your excellent advice.?

You should tack this onto the IM training thread.

Great advice, MF! Attorneys do not like IMs because they worry about it interfering in their goal, the easiest, amicable divorce possible. They are not concerned with your mental health.. In most cases, where a BS has insisted the attorney make it work, the attorney makes it work! The moral of the story is don't sacrifice your peace of mind!

Guard your serenity, don't serve it to others on a silver platter.