Thank you Letty. I am very wary about it and he knows that it's going to be an uphill battle to earn my trust back but so far he is trying. He is spending more time with me and the kids, is being very open. I asked him about where he goes every Thursday and Friday night, I am aware he is with the guys but the LOCATION is what I wanted to hear from him. For the past 3 years he told me they hang out at his friend's house but I have known that they actually all rented an apartment to hang out at. Here the men gather at a certain room in a friend's house nightly, drink tea, discuss sports, politics, this is the society and women absolutely do not go. His friends drink and therefore cannot do it at anyone's house so they rented an apartment (not unusual). My DH told me about it when they were first discussing it 3 years ago. I was supportive (most men do not and will not ever tell their wives). �Anyway, he didn't tell me when they actually did and I've known about it. I asked him and he told me the truth. They rented the apt and he didn't tell me before so as time went on he felt it was too late. One of my requirements was for him to tell me exactly where he is. I said he could've told me many times as I have known all along and gave him chances to tell me, he thought I would be angry. Anyway, it may seem like a small thing but it is a huge sign to me that he is willing to do make our marriage better. He has told me repeatedly how relieved he feels that I know now. He said he felt like he would be breaking his friends' trust by telling me but knows now that the only person's trust he wants is mine. He promised to tell me everything from now on, no more secrets, no more omitting anything. I hope this is the case and I know only time will tell.�

I have a question though, at what point does one tell their spouse about MB? I mean, shouldn't I wait for a while to make sure he is indeed wanting recovery and not just trying to make me happy until it all 'blows over'? I know I sound skeptical of him but I can't help it.�

i'm glad to hear you're seeing some changes.


hmm, i'm not an expert there. my H knew about MB from the start, because i wanted to build a MB marriage before i knew there was trouble brewing.

i think you can talk in terms of concepts (openness and honesty, lovebusters, LB$, etc) while you are working on this. the terms simplify (distill) things, are easy to understand, and easy to manage discussion about relationship things. it's a heck of a lot easier (and better) to be able to say that something is a lovebuster making a w/drawal from your LB$, or, conversely, an EN making a deposit! you want to sell him on the programme, and so have to show its benefits to him. i personally don't think springing the whole shebang on him at once would be a way to do that.

you should sound skeptical. i'd be worried if you didn't!

my H went through counselling with SH, and was really put out by it (steve calls a spade a spade!). however, he is onboard with MB now, as he's seeing the results of using the programme. despite his issues with talking with SH, it was money well spent.

once your H is onboard with things going well *using* MB, you can introduce him to the whole programme. but i'd like input from vets on that. committing to using the whole programme is what will recover your marriage, so it's what you're going to need to do. the timeline is the question.

vets?

Hi all,

Just an update. DH is being very open and loving, not going out, calling me from work, spending more time with me and kids. I'm still checking and haven't found anything. I am still wary about showing him MB, is that wrong? I'm not sure if it is too early and would just like some advice as to when it is a good time.

Don't tell him about MB.

Are you telling us that he is still in the house? Wasn't he supposed to be out? Did you not tell him this? He is playing you. He was supposed to be out. You have shown him that you don't mean what you say. This will not help you. Do you want to end his affair or not??

Has he sent the NC letter? Has this affair been exposed? What have you done to expose the affair?

You're waiting for him to do the right thing. HE'S NOT GOING TO. You're going to have to make this happen, BM. But it's not going to happen if you let him play you.

We did send the NC letter. I packed his bags and gave his plan b letter, that's when he said he do anything I want to stay together. He gave me all passwords, agreed to no opposite sex relationships, agreed to transparency and everything I've asked of him. I updated about all of that last week. Am I still supposed to kick him out?

What were all your conditions in your Plan B letter? What EPs has he set up? What conditions led to his affair? Have these been eliminated?

If he doesn't come correct you could be set up for a false recovery.

Have you read these?
False Recovery
False recovery voice of experience

These are the ever looming questions most of us BS�s have. Unfortunately, there is no clear cut answer. It is highly personal. Losing the security of your M is like swimming in the ocean without a life preserver. We know too well how it feels to have your instincts that you have relied upon in your marriage vanish.

What I can tell you is that for me at least, following MB�s to the fullest extent for a full 5 months now with a FWW fully on-board, I am starting to get a sense (albeit small) of security returning. Only with continued ACTIONS over a very long period of time will you know if they are being truthful.

Unfortunately for us, we had a 9mo FR and it was indeed much worse than the A itself. I wish I would have had MB at that time. It would have potentially saved a tremendous amount of heartbreak.

The feelings you have now are temporary. As hard as that is to digest at this time, it is indeed true that you will have a point in time when you will feel relief, however this turns out for you.

The vets here will certainly guide you on the best path. If however, you can find a way to fully incorporate MB�s into your recovery, Feelings do Follow Actions.

MB saved my M. I truly believe we would not be recovering so wonderfully without it and would be Divorced. Time Time Time. It is indeed a marathon not a sprint. Be prepared for many highs and lows.

One additional thought that Dr Harley has proved time and time again.

EP's in my M is what my trust is fully based on. As he says, we are all wired for an A. Actions indeed are the key. Words are cheap. EP's and boundaries with the opposite sex will help you gain a basis of trust.

mama, how's it going? is he still on board? the thing is, often a spouse will agree to everything, behave the way you've always hoped, but once they see it works, they will slide backwards. i hope your WH has seen the light, but you still need to be diligent. do you have an update? please reply to BHs Qs.

Tell us what's been going on since the last time you posted.

Please remind me - was the affair exposed? Has your WH written an NC letter that you approved of and mailed to OW?

I exposed to everyone I could. We sent NC letter. He has agreed to everything I've asked. He gave me passwords to everything, agreed to no opposite sex friendships, is spending more time with us and goes out only on Thursday. He calls me when he gets there, answers my calls while he is there, is so far transparent.

What other EP should I put in place? Should I be doing more?

Look at this Extraordinary Precautions

Listen to this radio clip of what Dr. Harley tells a WH he needs to do to save his marriage.
Radio clip at 3:50 mark

Thank you BrainHurts, I will read and listen now.

You're very welcome.

Good and let us know what you think and any questions.

I'm going to have to have him write a list of EPs that he feels is what's needed for compensation, then I will add whatever is needed by me to the list. So far he has been very open, loving, and the whole nine yards, I just need more time I think before I'll start to feel better.

I will sit down with him tomorrow and ask him to make the list. I'll also discuss his top EN and tell him mine, we may very well think something different than what they are!

Oh, yesterday the kids were out so we spent pretty much the whole day alone, talking about everything from when we first met up until now. Quite a few ENs were met by both of us yesterday and it was a very good day. Today he kept telling me how much fun it was, hugging me, kissing me, and said we have to do it more often. I told him we need to start spending A LOT more time alone together so tomorrow we're planning on going for coffee and breakfast, something we used to do but haven't in a very long time!

I would have both of you fill these out.
EN questionnaire
Lovebusters questionnaire

Thank you once again Brainhurts, will get on it ASAP.

How are things going there?