Let me guess: this wasn't included in the original 43 pages of FULL confession.

Excellent guess.

Al, I am sorry for your heartache and pain. I do not think your WH is CAPABLE of changing without running you into the ground, acting like a drama queen and throwing pity parties for himself. Please think of your three sweet babies that need a healthy mom. Protect yourself and your children. If he ever gets his head out his butt...you might have something to work with but he has a lifestyle and long history of cheating and lying. He is a habitual liar and serial cheater.

If you need an IM down the road, give me a shout. Prayers to you.

I am so sorry. Hugs.

AM

Without announcing anything to anyone ... I hold the opinion you need to know what your limit is. Decide for yourself how much is too much? How many is too many? How many "second chances"? How many more lies? How many more manipulations.? Last person to know what you have determined your limit to be? ... TRT.

This is not love, Al.
43 pages was not enough.
Are 100 pages enough?
A thousand pages?
This is obsession.

Quote

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Thanks again everybody.

At the risk of sounding slightly insane, I've had Kenny Rogers singing in my head for days.

"You have to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sitting at the table
There'll be time enough for counting, when the dealing's done."

About 36 more hours.
And the dealing's done.

You'd have to be crazy not to feel insane under these circumstances.

AI, don't be surprised if more comes out from here until the test, and also, don't be surprised if some variant of, "Well, I've come clean, so I don't need to do the test anymore." Insist on the test. It's needed in TRT's case.

And hang tough. After the results of the poly, we'll help you through.

Well, because your WH already knows everything about everything and does not need/want our help .... I decided to post this here.

We who have gone before you know some things you cannot know.
Some of us have been fortunate enough to enter the recovery period of marriage after infidelity. We who have achieved marital recovery know how darn difficult it is.
It's hard.
Really, really HARD. Even under favorable circumstances, recovery is hard.
Recovery is demanding in ways that are unexpected.
Couples in your position sometimes think that after stopping the affair(s), and full transparent disclosure is achieved, then from there on out it gets easier.

Unfortunately, it gets MORE DIFFICULT.

From my vantage point, I see no evidence that your WH is even close to having the fortitude to make a real recovery.
His lack of insight does not bode well for recovery.
His quickness to anger is a very, very bad omen.

Recovery is hard and requires more integrity/energy/faith/endurance/patience than I can explain in one post.

Even if you ever are privy to knowing "all" his misdeeds, that alone does not make him ready for recovery. His attitude is stuck in a position that is incompatible with recovery. His bad habits are very firmly fixed. "People Of The Lie" value the appearance of goodness over actual goodness.

An important part of recovery for the BS, is a re-establishing trust in your own judgment. You will second guess yourself for a very long time. Make THAT your priority, starting now. Start to trust yourself. Little by little. That alone helps ward off the worst of the depression. Forget about re-establishing trust in your WH. That's something that should never be your personal goal. Trust in yourself, not trust in WH, will protect you.

Now, my personal part of this .....
My initial recovery journey was additionally burdened with my H's alcoholism.
After D-day, after all the affair facts were revealed, after remorse and confessions to our families .... at the end of the day he was still an alcoholic.
Immature. Irritable. Unreliable. Irresponsible. Typical.

I have since learned exactly where my line is drawn in the sand.
My H gets ZERO more chances at sobriety. He's going on 16 and 1/2 years.
He does not need to become adulterous again for me to divorce him. My mind is made up that if he drinks, he's gone. Living with an active alcoholic is something I will never permit myself, ever again. Never again. Never, ever again. I respect myself too much.

I want you to trust yourself.
I want you to respect yourself.
You do that, you're in a good place no matter what nonsense your silly husband does/says.

Oh AL just saw the latest update and once again I am so sorry your having to go through this over and over and over again.

what support have you got outside of this forum right now? Although the MBers are here for you and will be for as long as you need us I feel that you will need some extra help to get through the next 24-48 hours especially if these blows keep coming.

How I wish I had Marriage Builders way back when, because I would have held a much higher bar.

My FWH was in "lurve" with his AP and was going to divorce me, AFTER enthusiastically allowing me to move to a very remote island a year and a half ago. (Long deployment first.) About three weeks after our arrival here, I discovered the steamy email going back and forth between skank and H. Blew my world to smithereens.

This wasn't the first time. It was the first time it had gone that far, but he'd been flirtatious with other women, talked with them about personal stuff, lied horribly, spent money on things and lied about it, forged my name to checks withdrawing about $10K, porn & masturbation that destroyed our sex life.

If I had set the bar high back then, and held him accountable to it, it would have been good for ME. And ultimately, reaching that bar and keeping accountable to it would have been for HIM, too, making him a better person...IF he decided to meet that high bar.

Recovery IS hard. I never knew what it would take. And this was with a terribly remorseful man who did not become angry or get defensive when he got to the other side of his withdrawal from OW. We went through misery and sadness and my own incredible outrage at what he did to me, to our long marriage, what I suffered at his hands. The regret I felt at marrying this man was unbearable at times.

So I want to strongly encourage you to hold your bar HIGH for TRT. If you have to separate and go into Plan B, that's okay. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage. It's what I should have done all those years ago. Then H could have decided for himself what kind of a man he would be, what kind of life he would lead.

This kind of horrible thing causes us to go through a sort of shock period, where we have to believe it, because all the evidence is there, but it's so hard for our mind and heart to actually accept it. It's searing hurt and numbness simultaneously. And TRT will have to bear you up during what is sure to be very difficult emotions.

My poor sweet comrade on this battlefield of lies, your strength amazes me.

I am so sorry you continue to endure trickle truth.

It's becoming painfully obvious, that he is working to HIS agenda relating to HIS pain and guilt, and not YOURS.

It's easier for him to eke out facts. Less guilt.

He is not comprehending that this is torturous to you. He still thinks that your pain is something to ignore and go around. Your pain is an enemy to be vanquished, not a friend to be healed.

I have a strong feeling Plan B will be required. I am not saying recovery is impossible, but he's a long way from rock bottom.

Rock bottom is where most waywards find their humility and acceptance that your pain is priority number one.

I also expect to see your strength flourish in Plan B and for your bar to raise as high as the sky.

He has a slim opportunity to avoid Plan B, but I don't know. I think it's too much emotional muscle to grow in such a small space of time.

Just wanted to share a clip on Dr. Harley talking about polygraphs.
Radio Clip on polygraphs

A 3rd PA.

Hmm. I wonder if that has anything to do with TRT saying I was obnoxious and badgering (my words to YOU in YOUR thread) when I told him that his words were as fact as Harry Potter.

He has his eye on people in YOUR thread who are telling you that he is not going to change. Oh yes TRT, I *know* you are reading this.

You see a pattern here, AI, right. I seem to recall that TRT is the kind of person who will attempt to demean and insult those who call him out on his BS and not praise him for his half truths.

He hasn't changed. This is the kind of person he is. You deserve the polygraph for your own sanity at this point, but you cannot turn this man into an honest and faithful husband. He is someone with severe moral defect.

AI please remember to include a question about paid sex trade workers in your polygraph, and that one is critical for your safety.

So sorry to hear that your WH is continuing his trickle truthing despite knowing how cruel this is... To be honest, I am not surprised

I do not believe your WH has a moral defect. I just believe he is a master manipulator and deceiver and that this is so ingrained into him that it will be very difficult to turn around. His posts from the start have exhibited gas lighting & dishonesty & fishing for superficial admiration, and I don't see ANY improvement after 40+ pages and one month of posting...

Along the lines of what Pep posted, we are just not seeing what you would expect to see from a poster who is serious about protecting and healing his BW.

Also so sorry to say that I don't believe you have the full truth yet and even if you did get the full truth, it is going to be daily hard work for your WH to become an honest person. In other words, even if he does some of this hard work, it will be easy for him to slip back into these bad habits. i.e., this is the type of man you are going to need to watch and maybe poly 1-2 times a year for a few years to keep him "straight" IMHO, in addition to completely affair proofing your M with super duper extraordinary precautions.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear but the worst thing that could happen is to be tricked into a false recovery and to come back here in a year or two or three...having been blindsided with another dday. Take it from me.

{{{{Almost}}}}

AI, I would suggest you steer clear of TRT's thread. I feel and have always felt like his blubbering on about his good deeds and amazing wife was for the benefit of manipulating YOU as much as US into thinking he was a man full of remorse and willing to do anything. Of course, he isn't getting away with it here, but I still think you should steer clear of it.

Agreed. If he knows you are reading it, he will write things for YOUR "benefit" and not his.

Can you please elaborate on on this? What specifically is your experience as to what is more difficult?

I will gladly do this.
Just not today & not on this thread.
I've actually written about this before...... I just don't know where.