Hi, My husband and I have been married 16 years. We have 4 children. I have been deeply religious my whole life. My husband was raised nonreligiously, not atheist, just observing nothing, although his parents say they believe in God. Before we married, my husband converted to my belief, knowing I wanted to marry someone of my own religion. Now after 16 years, he says he is not religious and never really believed in the first place. I am devastated and feel like I have been duped. My religion is very important to me and not something I feel I should have to give up. He knew this when he married me. I never lied to him, but feel he was dishonest with me in this regards. He says he had to be dishonest or I wouldn't have married him. He has a very negative attitude. I read scriptures with my children at night and pray with them and this is very important to me. I know it's his choice on what he believes, but how can I get him to support me and the kids in our beliefs? How do I stop feeling so hurt and betrayed? Our family has always been very active in our religion. Help! I found this website and am ordering His Needs, Her Needs. Him supporting me religiously is probably my most important need and feel like it has never really been met. Help!

Welcome to Marriage Builders. It has great information about how to fall in love and to stay in love.

I believe you and your husband need to start with Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). The POJA says to never do anything without the enthusiastic support of your spouse. You can read about it in the basic concepts and in further detail in the book, "Lovebusters".

Currently, you are not in agreement about practicing religion. You and your husband need to learn how to negotiate to get to a solution where you are both happy.

AM

How do we do that when we don't agree?

Dr. Harley explains it really well in the "Lovebuster" chapter about selfish demands. He also covers it in the basic concepts on this website. Click on basic concepts and then look at the Policy of Joint Agreement as well as Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation.

AM

I really have read the entire website for days now, before I made the jump to post here (am really nervous to post like this), and looked carefully at all the conflict of religion parts. I still don't understand how to resolve an issue where my need won't be met and I won't be happy, but it's selfish for me to ask him to meet it and then he not be happy? It seems like this conflict of supporting me and the kids religiously is hopeless. I don't know how to find a happy medium in this? Either I am happy or he is...

Why do you think it is either your happiness of his? You have not learned how to negotiate so that you can BOTH be happy. Did you read the Four Guidelines to Negotiation? Have you and your husband tried using them?

Start with, "How would you feel about ...?" What exactly would you like your husband to do? What kind of support are you looking for? What do you mean by "supporting me and the kids religiously"?


AM

Sosadwife,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Your husband was 100% in the wrong for lying about this in the first place. I was in his situation once, and the relationship ended - one cannot fake a religious belief or conversion.

What is your need at this point - is it for him to accept your religion for you, accept that you made the joint decision to raise your children in this manner with his support, or is it for him to convert to your beliefs.

As a non-religious person, it is impossible to go from non-believer to believer without your own personal desire. And one's beliefs are one's beliefs, it would be the same as you trying to convert to atheism.

What is he expecting to happen now, and what are you expecting. Is he demanding you stop teaching your children.

I do ask him, and he will say he is willing to say... go to church with me. He agrees to go to church, but then when we go, he is so negative and rude to everyone that and sits there like a brick wall, it makes us all uncomfortable. He will say he is willing to have a short devotional time with the kids and I in the evening, but when he does he is so blunt and short with us it is hurtful. Every time he says he is willing to do something it is never "enthusiastically." It is always with a chip on his shoulder. I have told him we will go alone, but he doesn't want that either...

No he is not demanding I do not teach the kids. I do not expect him to believe, just positively support me and the kids. But he is never positive, he just makes everything I feel like I need to do difficult. Like sabotaging any efforts I have... Thank you for all the discussion. I so desperately want this to not be a conflict anymore, but feel like I cannot not be religious. He knows that.

Guess I am still confused about the conflict. Is your husband asking you to not be religious? It appears as though he is not enthusiastic about attending church. He agrees to go, but isn't really enthusiastic when he agrees to go and then is grumpy once he gets there. Why doesn't he want you and the children to go without him?

Have you thought about emailing the radio show? Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce give advice about how to deal with these kinds of situations. They will read the email and answer the question on the radio show. They also give the option of being a caller or not on the radio show. The email address is MBradio@marriagebuilders.com

AM

I guess it is a question of lifestyle. He says he can be positive about something, but then his actions are always overtly negative. I have told him he doesn't have to fake belief, just actively support the kids in I in our belief. For instance he knows that I do not believe in partaking of alcohol, and do not want to be married to a drinker. Not only is it against my religion, but I have several close family members who are severe alcoholics. drug addicts and have had to watch as their lives have fallen apart. He knows what I went through growing up watching this... We went away for the weekend last weekend, just the two of us. In 16 years, he has never drank in front of me or even asked to, but the first night we were on our getaway he asked if I would mind if he drank. I wasn't sure how to answer that... If I said yes to go ahead, then he would proceed to start drinking in front of me and that would upset me and go against what I believe and what I try to teach our children. If I say no, he'd be angry and think I am telling him what to do. Now I am afraid he will start drinking when he is away from me, just to spite me. He has never been a drinking man before. It upset me that he knows my position and still wants to do it even though he knows how badly it will upset me. He didn't end up drinking and told me he didn't care, but I could tell he did. Was I wrong to tell him this would upset me?

I can try emailing. I am overseas, so it'd be hard probably to be a caller on the show due to time differences.

Have you read these?
Conflicts of Faith #1
There are multiple letters in the series so make sure you go to the bottom and click next letter.

sosadwife, the problem is that he is agreeing to things he is not enthusiastic about. When he agrees to things he does not really want to do, he acts in a grudging, spiteful way. I would make it clear to him this is a bad idea. It is obvious he doesn't want to go to church so that is where I would begin. People don't act that way when they are doing things about which they are enthusiastic.

Listen to this radio clip on different religions.
Radio clip on conflict of religion

No, you were correct to tell him that his drinking would bother you. He asked under POJA and you told him your feelings. He, correctly, considered your feelings and did not drink.

Have you told your husband about your fear that he will drink secretly when he is away from you? Do both you and your husband understand the policy of radical honesty (PORH)? It is another one of the basic concepts.

It is important not to impart disrespetful judgements or selfish demands when practicing PORH and POJA. These are all covered in the "Lovebuster" book.

Dr. Harley has said something along the lines that if a couple follow the PORH and POJA, they will be happy. They won't keep secrets from each other and won't do anything that will hurt the other guy.

I really think you could benefit from emailing the radio show as well as reading "Lovebusters". After an email is covered on the radio show, the Harley's send out a free book to the emailer. They do this in the US and outside the US to an APO/FPO address.

AM

June 19th's radio show deals with the POJA and resolving conflicts. Click on the listen now button at the top right corner and you can listen over your computer.

AM

This radio clip addresses her situation exactly.

Yes, I read both letters and the other ones on conflict of faith. Thanks BrainHurts. Not sure how to apply this? My husband seems to have no desire to meet my needs. I don't know what to do that would motivate him to understand I am not happy and do not feel he makes any deposits. He says he has no problems or needs that are unmet. I feel like I cannot go on in a marriage that feels so superficial and empty. I feel like I am withdrawing but he doesn't seem to care that we are growing apart. He doesn't wish to be supportive of a lifestyle we committed to anymore. I am ok with him not wishing to be of my religion but not ok with the negative attitude and him controlling how I need to to live my religion. He always says one thing but shows another with his actions. You are right, MelodyLane, he is not enthusiastic about anything he agrees to do when we try to negotiate, and then acts out. It is always the "I'll do it, but everyone is going to know I am not happy about it." Do I tell him to stay home from church then and go by myself, even when he says he wants to come but then still throws a fit and sits in the car and makes it a point to spoil the experience for me and the children, or he just sits there so negatively and makes sure I know he isn't happy to do anything to make deposits for me? He is never cheerful to do anything to meet my needs unless it is fulfilling one of his own. How do I handle the situations where he is backpeddling and doing things I don't agree with (and we have already agreed not to do before or early on in marriage) and doesn't care that I don't agree? I just feel like excluding him will make us grow further apart, while including him just makes us also grow apart. I am frustrated and tired of living like this.

Ok, listening to clips now. Thank you so much for taking time to listen to someone else's troubles. I truly appreciate your time.