My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years now. Lately I have been feeling disconnected and generally unhappy. So I approached him about it. Saying that I feel like we have lost our connection and how I would like to get that connection back. He said that he felt the same way. I have read HNHN which has greatly helped in my communication to him. Saying we and I and not so much the 'you's'. I have been aware of what times to better talk to my husband and what tones of voice to use and not use.

We have both been very busy at work and him at school. I made the mistake of not being supportive and understanding of his busy schedule earlier in the year. I apologized for my behavior and continue to work on being understanding while he has alot on his plate. I have been super stressed from work and he has been not so supportive which has just made things worse.

He then went on to tell me that he dreads coming home from work b/c the second he walks int he door he feels as if I am going to yell at him for not doing something or pull him away from something that he wants to do be himself. I believe that I am pretty lenient when it comes to him spend time by himself. We literally spend time together eating dinner (not always talking), and sometimes watching a movie. The only time we really spend together is when we are with other people like family events, etc. I have suggested going on walks and other activities but he usually declines and does not offer an alternative.

I feel so alone in my marriage. I just want to feel like a team, a couple, a sense of oneness. I feel as if I am the only one trying to make this work by reading books and attempting to have conversations with my DH about our relationship and feelings but I am usually met with anger. What can I do to feel like a team again?

How did things go while implementing the advice you got in November?

Being lenient and understanding when he puts your marriage last is not going to help you. You need to be firm that the marriage comes first.

It is not a mistake to not support an idea that bothers you or that you do not think is a good idea. In fact, supporting something you are not enthusiastic about is dishonesty, and it is a serious mistake for your marriage. You should not unconditionally support everything your spouse does.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

The advise I got in November has been going well. I have been trying to spend more time with him and making things more about us. Rather than me or him.

I have been getting resistance from him about his IB and it hurts me. I want this marriage to come first and have reinterated that several times in many of the conversations we have had. He says he wants our marriage to come first but his other words and actions speak otherwise. He will spend hours by himself or talking with his friends but when it comes to talking together or spending time together, we get maybe 20min during the work week and most of that is spent eating dinner. I am just at a loss as to what to do. How can I put my foot down without seeming bossy or make him resent me?? Any advise would be GREATLY appreciated!!

I have read the basic concepts. My husband is a very sensative person, I know I shouldn't make excuses I just don't want our conversations about our marriage to always make him upset when I am genuinely trying to come to a solution. I am enthusiastic of him going to school, just not of how he divides his time.

hellobubbles, welcome to Marriage Builders. It takes 15 hours of undivided attention to maintain the romantic love in a marriage. Since you are not spending any time together, you are both falling out of love and you feel neglected. It is ok for your husband to spend time by himself, but that should be done after you have spent 15 hours together. You didn't get married to be alone, after all.

The point I would focus on is getting in 15 hours of undivided attention per week. That time should be spent away from others and away from the TV or movies. The best way to spend this time is to schedule 4 - 4 hour dates a week, to be spent at a time when you are most energetic, preferably away from the home. This time should be focused on meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

I would get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and tear out the UA worksheet in the back and make copies. Set down and write out your schedule together once a week. Time that is scheduled is harder to put off.

At first, this will seem like a duty to you both, but after a few weeks, it will become your most favored time of the day and you will both look forward to it.

As far as being supportive of his busy schedule, I would suggest not being supportive of anything that is bad for your marriage. It sounds like he is putting everything else ahead of your marriage and that is not good!

The Policy of Undivided Attention

sigh.. I see I already told you all this. You didn't follow my advice before.

When you were here in January, I asked "How are you spending your time alone together each week? And how are you measuring how much it is?" Can you answer those questions?

Thanks for the advise Melody. I have suggested that we spend more time together but he is choosing to do things by himself instead and if I say anything about it then, I am not giving him his space. We do have the workbooks and I have suggested us giving it a try but I am met with unwillingness to try it. Is there any way to bring up the workbooks with out making it seem like a chore?? I was VERY enthusiastic and excited about it when I suggested it the first time.

We are spending our time eating, sometimes talking, and watching movies or TV. I would like to do other things but when I ask I get no for an answer. I really look forward to spending time with my hubby and know that we are spending alot more time on IB than together.

Yes. Go back and reread your earlier threads. You need to talk to him about what he is going to get out of this agreement. For example, you won't make decisions without considering him any more, like the dinner with your sister you posted about. He will probably love to know that you are willing to reform and eliminate independent behavior, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and would love to have the chance to inform you about these in a way that you are going to act on, and in return he would probably be willing to do the same for you.

After you go back and reread your earlier thread and heed the advice that everyone has given you.

Here's a good radio clip that might help.

Radio Clip on how to get your spouse on board with MB

Great idea Markos!!! I will try that and fill out the EN and LB questionares.

Don't know if you saw this.

Oh yes. That is a helpful clip. Thanks so much BrainHurts. I am going to email my DH and suggest we fill out and reread a few of the sections of the PJA and the EN and LB questionares.

Well, I did all that I said that I would and now he is even more angry and withdrawn. We both read and filled the out EN questionares and the only things he took from them were the negative things not the positive. I read his and just had a few questions and he pretty much blew up at me. He has left I don't know if it's for good or to just go get something for himself to eat. I don't know what else to do.

Exchanging questionnaires can be difficult. It is very common, especially the first time, to word everything disrespectfully or as demands. And also, it's very difficult to hear the idea put forward that change might be needed.

Give him some time to process this, and then bring it up again. Keep the problems on the front burner until they are solved.

What problems did he write about on his questionnaires?

That's the thing he didn't really totally fill it out and that's why I had some questions. There were some sexual issues as well as some affection issues that he said that I smother him and don't pay attention to what he is saying while we are being affectionate.

He also had an issue with a financial issue that we then cleared up. BUt with hesitation from me. We have our bank accounts set as each having an individual account and then we have a joint account. We each have 30% of our paychecks in the individual accounts to purchase items that we want. We don;t need to ask each other if we can buy these items, which I now see issue with. DH has saved up his money to make a fairly large purchase of these HUGE speakers for the entertainment center (none of which I had ANY say on) and our basement is really not large enough to accomodate these speakers. When I brought up the concern he then said that I didn't have any say as to what he did with his personal money. But I explained that if it is going to affect our living situation that yes I would like some input. But he said that if he waited to get these items until I agreed that he would never get them and that made him angry and it hurt me to know that he is choosing to not act more as a unit with purchases.

He also says that he also wants to spend more time with me and when I brought up the 15 hours a week of spending time together he REALLY freaked out. He then went on to say that we have 2 differing descriptions of what time together means. He sees eating and watching movies while cuddling is spending time together. While I explain to him that I didn't quite see it the same way as we are not giving each other our undivided attention when our attention is on the TV. He saw HUGE issue with that and thought that 15 hours a week was too much time for us to spend together. I also suggested that we try a schedule for he week and he was not keen on that idea either.

At one point I did have to go in another room as I felt my emotions were starting to boil and told him that I needed a break and that I would be back in a few minutes. After calming down, I came back into the room to find him on his computer on some blue ray movie website. I sat there for about 10 minutes waiting for him to finish. But he was not acknowledging that I was even sitting a few feet from him. So I asked him if he was going to continue with our conversation or remain on the website. I also told him that it hurt me that he wasn't giving all his thought and energy into solving this. He then reluctantly turned around to finish the conversation.

He is now at home but we have been sleeping in different rooms. He says that I am not giving him enough time to think about his options - what options these are I do not know. But I would like this resolved.

Hi Bubbles - I hear your frustration and discouragement. Creating a strong, safe and mutually satisfying marriage is not easy. It is worth it, but it's not easy. Many of us think the hard part of marriage is finding the right person to marry then everything should mostly fall in to place. Starting out with a good person is certainly important. But even between good people, all good marriage are the product of time and effort.

My W and I have been married for 17 years. I remember struggling with the sorts of things you guys are struggling with at the 5 year mark. My W was working, I was in school full time. It was challenging adjusting to the pressures of 'real life' in a relationship. I think you guys are normal and what you are going through is normal. Not fun, but normal.

A couple things I'm getting from your post.

Your ENs are not being met. You feel disconnected and alone and like you're the only one interested in working on making things better. You feel like your H says he's interested in a strong marriage but his actions say otherwise as he engages in a lot of IB that really leaves you feeling hurt.

I'm also hearing that your husband is feeling pressured and criticized and is asking for space as he feels smothered.

What are your H's ENs?

How well are you meeting them?

I wonder if one of his ENs is admiration, which is why he does not respond well to what he senses as criticism from you and why he spends more time with friends etc, who appreciate him without asking that he do anything that is uncomfortable for him.

Have you tried just focusing on your H's ENs exclusively - becoming an expert at meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs, especially criticism? What do you think would happen if you focused on this for a few months w/out asking for too much if anything in return? Doing so may create a safe atmosphere where your H is more open and willing to receive direction and make changes.

Of course to have a strong fulfilling relationship both of your ENs need to be met well and consistently, but right now he's not really on board. One way to get him on board is to fill his love bank - not with the intent to control or manipulate him, but to demonstrate (for both of you) what it looks like and feels like to have one's ENs met exceedingly well.

If you do this, you need to make sure you're not 'laying a trap' or trying to manipulate him. This can be a delicate balance.

If you just don't have the emotional resources to do this since you are near withdrawal yourself then I have some other suggestions.

BWS =)

Thank you BWS for your encouragement and advise. Before I even read this post I went to the MB website and watched the REALLY good videos about HN. I do know that admiration is one of his top EN and I was not fulfilling that important emotional need for him.

We were both able to calm down and really had a great and productive conversation about what we need from each other. I am implementing the 'How would you feel about..' statement when asking him about ANYTHING. That really seems to have sparked more motivation about things and I will continue to fill his LB as much as possible and hope that by doing so will help him to fill mine in return.

After a week or so I would like to sit down and watch those MB videos with him and he may get out alot out of them as I have. Here's praying that we are able to become a team and be very much in love again. Thanks again for the encouragement and advise, it really does mean alot to me and our marriage

My wife's top EN is admiration. It has been tricky learning how to communicate my unmet needs and make requests for change in a way that is safe and comfortable for her, that doesn't sound like criticism. Also, once I realized that admiration was her top need, it put in to perspective how poorly I was doing at meeting it. I realized that I was not the only one not getting what they needed, that I was failing to meet her needs just as much as she was mine. Then I was able to be less emotional and feel less of a victim.

I like how your are implementing the "How would you feel..." phrase. Some other phrases that have worked well for us are "I would really enjoy/appreciate it if you did X. Is there a way that would work for you?" Periodically we also do 'check-ins' at night before bed where we tell each other things we've appreciated about the other person recently and things we are proud of about ourselves that day. This has really helped my wife. In that safe setting she is much more receptive to the occasional request for a change in her behavior.

Just remember for people who crave admiration, hearing or feeling they are disappointing someone or not good enough can be really de-motvating and a love buster. Over the years I've gotten better at keeping judgements out of my request. I no longer think things like "a good wife would..." or "if she loved me she would..." Those are wrong headed and disrespectful. I learned to keep my requests specific to the "behaviors" I wanted/needed to feel cared for and stopped expecting her feelings, desires and preferences to change. I realized she'll likely never emotinoally need or value what I need and that is ok. We are just wired differently. Her ENs are just as important as mine, even if they are totally opposite. If I want her feelings to change, that is up to me and how well I fill her ENs. As her feelings change her willingness to make changes for me also changes.

Finally, he may never approach MB the way you do, watching videos, filling out forms etc. That's ok. You can implement MB principles in a less direct way. Expect slow progress but progress. The MB principles are not easy and not habitual for most of us - if they were we wouldn't be on this forum =).

Good luck =) I wish my W and I had understood MB principles earlier. It would have saved us a lot of trouble.

We are slowly working on things as his busy schedule allows which has been a challenge. I am however worried that he has lost his want to be in love with me or to even try to work things out. he has been saying things such as I just want us to be happy even if it's not together and whatever the decision, I don't to either of us to get hurt.

These have really hurt me. I have told him that I want to be madly in love with him and have the same feelings of love toward him like when we first met. I am wondering of it is too late to try and get those feelings back mutually. He says he needs more time to think about things. I understand that. I don't also believe that those feelings are going to come back over night and without some change from the both of us. I know that there are some LB I need to work on, like Angry Outbursts, and I there are some that he needs to work on, mainly IB. I think that if we work on those and our EN that things will turn around.

I told him that I love him but that I am not IN love with him at the moment. I wanted that to change and I want us to be in love with each other. But I can't force love upon anyone, it doesn't work that way. Are we too late to make a change??