First, a bit of background...my husband and I have been married for ten years, together for fourteen, and have an eight year old daughter and a five year old son.

Well, after a few years of what I now know was not meeting each other's emotional needs, our marriage was a mess. I engaged in an emotional affair (email and text only...never physically saw each other. We did talk on the phone twice) with and old friend. It started innocently enough, but before two long, our emails became a full on emotional affair. On my end, anyway.

Went on for about two months, until husband discovered it on 1/15/12. He was very, very angry and hurt, as you would imagine. I gave him all my passwords and broke of all contact with the other guy. My husband was, and still is, much more important to me than the other guy ever was. I fully intended on trying to repair our relationship.

On 3/13/12, I discovered that now HE was having an EA with a woman that was his girlfriend in the EIGHTH GRADE (although I suspected earlier than that, that was the day that I went into his email account and saw some of their emails.) He hadn't seen her in over 30 years, she moved away when she was 15 or so, he saw her once when she was 17, but other than that they hadn't seen each other all that time. She lives several thousand miles away, in another state. His EA was very different than mine in many ways. These two were pledging their undying love to each other and even planning a life together that included my two children! He told me then that he would break it off with her, that my cheating on him caused him to fall out of love with me and that what was going on with this other woman was a fantasy that he was caught up in.

About a week later, we were at my daughters soccer game when I noticed my husband standing way back to the side by himself texting away. I went over to him and asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was emailing her! I walked away and didn't bring it up again until after we were home and having wine after dinner. He told me that he "wasn't feeling it" for me anymore and that he tried to stay away from her but he couldn't. I told him, that she would never ever be anywhere near the children, and he looked me straight in the eye, smirked, and said "she probably will and there is nothing you can do about it." I then called her and she and I spent the next two hours talking! Among other things, she told me that she was in love with my husband, always had been, and was going to fight for him! And that she and I would have to be friends because there were children involved. She kept on telling me over and over that I had broken my marriage contract and been a horrible wife and that this was all my fault.

After several weeks where he continued this affair, basically out in the open (he'd go out and walk the dog for two hours after the kids were in bed, and I sat in our bedroom alone, with his cell phone and talk to her, hundreds of emails, hours and hours on the phone at all times a day, including while they were both at work.) he came to me on April 6, told me that he had been to an attorney, and that he planned to file for divorce. He told me that I would have to get a job, they we would have to sell our house immediately, that he would have the kids every other weekend and Wed nights, and that was that. I was completely shell shocked. He said all this to me without any expression on his face or emotion in his voice. I asked him to take the kids out for awhile so I could be alone.

I then contacted her husband (I knew she was married, but was seperated. I had been told by both her and my husband that he had abused her and cheated on her.) I was able to find him on linked in. Found out that he had dozens and dozens of emails, full of pretty love words, and full of words of how terrible their marriages and spouses were, that dated back to just a couple of weeks after he found about my EA. (Oh, for the record, I never did tell the guy I loved him, or that I wanted to see him, or leave my husband for him. Although I know now that what I was doing truly was an EA, at the time I thought we were just having fun.) Also they were communicating several months before this, and he was hiding it from me. There wasn't anything that indicated that it was actually an EA at that time, although the seeds were being planted as he told her when he could and couldn't call and that he didn't want his wife to know.

The next week, her husband and I were able to surmise that she was planning on flying to our state and that they were planning to get together in a hotel. We discovered this because they were sloppy and evidence was basically popping up everywhere! They did get together, and of course had sex several times over the next three days. He denied this, of course, but told me a few days later that they did.

I dont think I have to tell any of you what this time was like for me. I spent a few days in bed after getting the kids off to school, begged and pleaded for him to keep our family together, had extreme physical pain caused by the stress and a few full on panic attacks. I had a number of angry outbursts, as did he, and he was constantly berating me for cheating on him and saying I have never been a good wife and he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.

If you are still with me, after a few weeks of false reconciliations and false promises that he would have no more contact with her (I should say that during this time, I did reach out to the other via email and was caught.) he filed for divorce on May 13. But he was still living in our home, and refused to leave "his house."
At some point...not sure why, strange enough I can't remember what triggered it he seemed to become serious about keeping our family together. We went to a marriage counselor, where he spent fifteen minutes discussing what I had done (I don't think he wouldn't have mentioned his affair if I didn't bring it up!) The first thing the marriage counselor said after my husband finally stopped talking was that ALL OUTSIDERS HAD TO GO. He also directed us to this site. I was in agreement, and thought he was too. We decided to take our children on a family vacation to Disney World the following week. He also agreed to withdraw the divorce.
Well, of course the third morning of our vacation I found an email on his open Ipad to HER. It was from a few days prior, letting her know that we had made it safely, that he was always thinking of her, how to get in touch with him if she had an emergency during the week, and signed it Love, always.
So, here we are. We had been home for a week, and I had asked him several times if he was going to give her up. He wouldn't answer. Tuesday night, I told him that he he had to leave, and he has spent the last two nights in a hotel (he has been here both nights to see the kids and get clothes.) I am also ashamed to admit that the night before I asked him to leave, I had been up most of the night emailiing the OW back and forth. Basically she threatened to sue me, and said that if I had "taken care" of my husband, none of this would be happening. She said that she will always be in the picture, and always in my huband's heart, and that there was nothing I could do about it. I acted terrible and called her some bad names...
Anyway, I don't know what is going to happen now. Thanks for listening...

HL, I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here. You did the right thing in asking your husband to leave.

Now, I want to help you kill this affair. The only way you can save your marriage is to kill the affair. The best, most effective way to kill an affair is to expose it wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, so exposing it in a strategic, methodical way can have a devastating effect on the affair. It has to be done right, though.

It is the very best weapon you have in saving your marriage. You can very possibly run this brazen skank off. We will help you try. Those of us here in fully recovered marriages attribute it to exposure.

Please go read the thread that is linked in my signature and come back and lets talk.