Thanks Neak, that really puts things into perspective. It is bothering me but Im conflicted on whether or not telling him is helpful or hurtful. I am leaning more towards hurtful and as you said just a way to rub in his face who she really was. Another part if me says that if we don't talk about it, it will build up in me and bother me. Either way, I will not just blurt it out and will really think before I make my choice. Your words really helped.


I liked your word stupidhead . Also, I do feel like a hypocrite in the way I am feeling about this news.

I have a different thought for you, XVY.

Do you NEED this?

If so, do it. If not, refrain.

Remember, every time power is used, it is diminished and/or compromised. (Kinda like taking one-half the course of antibiotics contributes to making "super-bugs.) The likely result will be your establishing yet again (or more certainly) that your FWH was an [censored], to your increased or renewed satisfaction, AND TO HIS!

If you don't need the "UP", why hit him with a new "DOWN"?

God works in mysterious ways. I will leave it at that for now

Re: NeverGuessed - God works in mysterious ways. I will leave it at that for now

Hey, I'm not so mysterious! But as God's anointed messenger, I'll let Him know you're with the program!

Ha ha NG! Yes, I do have to give both you and Neak some of the credit. Without your guidance I probably would have done what I have done so many times in the past. Just blurted out how I was feeling without thinking about the consequences.

Instead I kept quiet and really tried to reflect on the info I received yesterday. Deciding if it was necessary to share with H or if I just wanted to rub in his face that I knew what a skankola he was with. I decided to bite my tongue.

This is where I believe divine intervention took place. We decided to get a movie. We chose [/b]Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.[b]. I of course fell asleep(my typical movie routine) but my H woke me up before the end of the movie with tears in his eyes. He looked and me and said the three most wonderful words, I Love You!!!! It is amazing how magnificent those words sound when you have not heard them in so long, when you still do not think you have earned them, and when they are sincere and from a heart that you have broken.

Right then and there everything I heard that day about OW melted away and I decided that she is our past and that us where I want to keep her.

Good girl, 15.
You may have to be promoted to 16 soon.

Not until next June 21st Pep, that is when my H and I will be married 16 years.

Then I can change my name to 16. I am excited that we are actually going to make it to 15 this year after all I did. That is why I gave myself the name fifteen here. Because when I started posting I felt it would be a miracle if we made it that long.

Things have been going better than ever but my H still refuses to really open up to me. I never know how he is really feeling and I don't want to push him.

Last week we were talking about triggers so I printed up a list of my triggers and a list of things that do and don't make me feel safe in our marriage. I gave him a blank sheet of paper and encouraged him to do the same. He has yet to do this

Today however, he did confess to me two things that continue to bother him; the fact that I have had two affairs that the fact that I got caught instead of confessing.

These two particular things seem to continue to trip him up and the most unfortunate thing about it is there is nothing I can say or do to make it better.

I can't change my past and that fact plagues me to no end. All I can give him is the present and future but I am so scared that that might not be enough.

In addition, as another holiday approaches I am again conflicted by the right thing to do about my In-Laws and there hatred towards me.

Just to touch base on the current situation:
1. I did write them another apology email and explained that I understand their pain and I don't expect them to forgive me right away but that I missed them and want to begin to heal. NO RESPONSE

2. My H however is still conflicted about the entire thing and does not feel comfortable confronting them.

3. I really want to be part of the fathers day BBQ on Sunday. I feel like my H is still in trial mode though. Even though things are going wonderful it was just a month ago when he talked about leaving (my horrible mothers day). So I feel like he is not ready for me to be part of the family again.


I have re-read some of the things that have been posted on to me on all of my forums. Here is where I am confused.

1. Some of you say that as a WW I should not push my H too far that he is still very fragile and that in order to recover I have to take things slow and not push too hard for things that I want.

2. On the other hand a number of you said that he needs to stand up for me and protect me against his parents. That if they don't support us then we should cut them off.


I am just not sure what to do. Pep, I keep thinking about your Conflict avoidance and feel like I should at least say something to him because if I don't then I am truly avoiding conflict. But another part of me keeps thinking it is still too soon and I don't want to push him.

Any advice??

These two particular things seem to continue to trip him up and the most unfortunate thing about it is there is nothing I can say or do to make it better.

Sorry, amiga, you do not get off that easy.

Lemons :: Lemonade

Cattle Dung :: Fertilizer

Okay, how about these:

- How about thanking him for caring enough about your marriage to confront you about your wayward behavior instead of abandoning all chance of recovery?
- How about telling him that the failures of your past have cemented all the more certainly your commitment to burying him in compensatory experiences in the future?
- And I sure as hell hope you had the insight to tell him how much you appreciate his sharing his pain with you, and asking him to do it often and freely.

There ain't no "rewind" or "erase" buttons in life. Thank God there are infinite sequels that we get to write. (I think I've just composed my new epilogue line! Thanx for the inspiration!)

As a matter of fact NG, I did exactly that, I thanked my H for his honesty and told him that I could not change the past but was sure as He!! going to use the present to secure our future. I did this before I read this so u an proud of myself for taking this step on my own and now knowing that it is something you would have suggested.

This Amiga is not throwing in the towel!

15, you cannot MAKE your in-laws to feel differently. And to tell you the truth, I don't understand why would you want to communicate with them at all since they have proved to be very pro-affair type of people anyway. I think that you've done all you can right now.

I would just cut the contact and focus on your plan and what you can DO around your husband. These people can wait. I'm sure that once your H has made up his mind about the future with you, these issues with in-laws will get resolved as well.

The only reason is because my H and my children are still very close to them. I know a number of people on here have stated that we should just kick them out of our lives if they do not support our recovery but I know my H is not willing to do this, at least not yet. So I am trying to be the bigger person and show both my H and them that I want to try to heal the wounds.

I know I can't MAKE then do anything and maybe it is my optimistic and slightly naive self that believes that if I keep trying then I can MAKE them see the new me.

His brother and his parents have all stated that they support any decision that he makes. Well for the moment he has chosen to work on us. That means it is time for his parents to back their words with actions. I think I may say this to H today.

As a matter of fact NG, I did exactly that...I did this before I read this so u an proud of myself for taking this step on my own and now knowing that it is something you would have suggested.

Wow! So my advice here has been so consistent (predictable? tedious?) that I don't even have to make it anymore? Kinda like a "W-W-NG-D" mantra for marital issues?

Woof!

I NEVER said that I no longer need actual NG verbage! Still need lots of guidance along the way. Probably will forever, thank goodness for MB and this forum. I am however learning how to give advice where I see fit and feel that I can truly help.

I have also noticed my H reading the forum. Tonight he took my phone and actually read this thread. It felt so good knowing he could take my phone and I had nothing to hide in fact I was excited for him to be part of this, my innermost thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

BTW, your welcome for the inspiration on your signature line, glad I could help

fifteen congrats on the 15!

Thanks BH! I was not sure if we were going to make it to this date. I am excited! My H was a little distant this morning but he has come around and we are going to just spend some low key time together tonight.

We had an amazing clarify conversation on Fathers day that really put everything into perspective for me. My H was so open and honest and we both got a lot out of the conversation.

I am loving the new marriage that we are just starting to create.

You feel ready to move to recovery?

Yes, I have been ready for recovery for awhile. It has been my H that has been reluctant but he is starting to get with the program. He verbal told me that he is starting to let me in again and is actually thinking about us and our future together.

In our conversation the other day he honestly told me that until recently he did not know if he was going to be able to let go and trust me enough to stay with me.

Now he is actually looking at us with optimism and sees our future. He knows all about MB and frequents the forum. I don't think he will ever post because writing is just not his thing but he does read a lot of them (including mine) and we talk about it.

I feel like we are now on the road to recovery.