I really can't figure out this color coding crap in this system. i did the best I could to answer your Q's and color code them but I finally gave up...got to spend some time with the H

NG,

I hope you read this!!! My H and I had some AMAZING UA time last night and it all revolves around YOU!!! Yesterday he read the post you left me above and my response to it. Apparently, he has been reading MB a lot more than he has led on.

He highly respects you and says that he looks for threads that you have responded to to get your wisdom and advise.

This is the very first time that he has really opened up and talked about this forum openly and some of the people on it.

Well, this led to a discussion about you and your story. I told him that your story was on here and that when he felt comfortable enough he should read it. With a sick stomach and a little reservation he decided to read your story last night.

He felt uncomfortable having me look over his shoulder but did not want me to leave the room. I sat on the opposite side of our coach and he read and made comments throughout that we talked about.

It was amazing!!! Needless to say, it really opened up a lot of honest (yet comforting) discussion about us and where we are at and what we can do to really trust each other again.

Thanks again for your indirect help,

XVY

That's awesome.

Would he post and then he can get direct NG counsel?

If I type anything beyond,
"I'm honored and humbled that I could help!"
I'm going to tear up.

Sincerely,
The very lucky NG

BH,
That would be great but I am not going to push. My H has never been much of a reader or writer so just the fact that he has been on MB reading is a very big deal.

I totally understand.

Still tell him welcome to the MB family Mr. XVY

Mr XVY,
If you are uncomfortable (semi)publicly posting, JustUss2 has my MB-specific e-address, and I would be pleased to discuss things with you as a bridge to setting a comfort level that would possibly enable your transitioning to posting.

(This offer is open-ended until the Mods decide I'm more trouble than I'm worth!)

Fabulous!

I feel like every few months I keep telling the same sad tale over again. Once again Mr. XVY has left me.

I honestly felt that things were going so well. He was even reading post on this site.

It all started with pictures. I got a new giant picture frame that holds a bunch of pictures. I decided to dig up some old ones of us that were very fond memories. I was thinking this would help but it actually had the oppoite affect.

I have felt that Mr. XVY has been a little distant the past couple of days. So when he got home I asked him if something was bothering him.

He preceeded to tell me that the pictures seem fraudulant to him and that they did not bring up good memories but memories of how happy I "pretended" to be all of those years.

I tried to explain how happy I was and that none of the pics were associated with my A. He just doesn't believe. He can't comprehend how I could do what I did and still love him...I still can't completely comprehend it so how can I even begin to explain it to him.

He can't let it go. He told me tonight that he can't do this anymore. He used the classic line, "I love you but I don't think that I can ever be in love with you again because of what you did."

I know that he keeps thing bottled up a lot and when his feelings explode...they explode but this is scary!

I am truly not sure what to think because he actually left tonight.

I have tried so hard and will continue to live up to my own highest expectations for myself, Mr. XVY, and my kids. But no matter how high I set my standards and boundaries I can never give him the three things that he desires more than anything.

1. An explanation of how I could be with someone else when I still loved him and how he did not see it.

2. Why I did it more than once.

3. Total and complete assurance that I will never do it again (I know in my heart that I wont but his heart refuses to believe)


I just don't know where to go from here or what to do?


Thanks for listening.

NG,

I did ask Mr. XVY to shoot you and email letting you know how he felt and get your opinion. I told him that you may tell him "to hell with her" and that would be fine but that he needed to talk to someone else about the way he is feeling.

Not sure if he will do this or not but just letting you know.

Woke up this morning and felt the need to get on here again. I am so lost. I am just not sure what to do. I am tornn between feeling like my H has officially given up to feeling like he is testing me once again.

I myself am torn between giving up and fighting like hell to save this marriage.

What do I do? Do I go after him? Let him come back to me?


I just thought things were going so well. It is so hard to tell how he is really feeling because he keeps it all in.

He said last night that he WONT allow himself to love me again. So where am I supposed to go with this? He is very stubborn.

In the same thought however he said that 90% of his heart wants me back but 10% says no that it needs protection from me.

So close, yet so far away!!!


Sorry it helps to talk and I again am so lost that I need to do this to clear my thoughts and be strong.

Sounds like he had a major trigger with the pictures. What did you do with the pictures?

Where did he go? Are you 100% sure there's no one else?

I'm sorry, my friend, that this has happened.

For his sake, I hope he contacts me, or one of the other vets here, or (even better) contacts the coaching center or the radio program.

That said, you need to learn from what happened. Please stop taking the wheel of the recovery bus. Consider how this would have played out had it started with a POJA-controlled discussion of what actions would help FBH look past the bad times, and concentrate on your prior lives together. "How about....", or "What would you think of....." would either have revealed his disinclination, or at least had him buying in to the project. If its implementation created unexpected turmoil, he would have had to "own" part of that.

When FBH returns, you're going to want to apply these painfully-gained lessons to your ongoing recovery actions, okay?

Hang in there, XVY!

fifteenyears,

I think it may be the combination of the pictures with the beginning of the school year, I believe you are a school teacher as was OM2. Are you still in the same building?

Your last D-day for your affair was less than a year ago so this behavior is understandable. I also think his RA didn't deliver the relief he expected it would, and feels like an even greater failure as a result.

God Bless
Gamma

How much UA time are you getting? What are you doing during this time? This is ABSOLUTELY the key. You must make new memories. We short cut this for a while with disastrous results. You must get your UA time in.

Please take down the pictures. I know how he feels. I don�t think, talk or associate with the past much at all anymore. I am only living in the now and the future.

I have struggled with the same questions. Your H doesn't trust you right now and he shouldn't. Not saying that to be mean, but that is reality. You are not trustworthy neither is my FWW. It will take a very, very long time with consistent good behavior to prove the changes in you are real and lasting.

You are judging the future by your intentions he is judging the future by your past actions. BIG difference in your perspectives.

When our FR was revealed, I was done right then and there. I thought there was no way she would ever stop lying and hurting myself and the children. It is up to YOU now to carry this torch unwavering of his reactions if you want to win his heart back. Is this hard as heck? You bet ya it is.

If you want this to have a chance at working YOU must SHOW him through your actions that you are in this for the long-haul no matter what. Once clearmind starting stearing the R ship, the tide changed for us. She started SHOWING me every day her commitment and drive to make just compensation. Your H needs to see that your M can not only heal but be better than it has ever been.

It is on you right now.

There were many times I said 'I can't do this anymore'...guess what? I am still here in R.

BH,

I am not 100% sure and that bothers me but we talked a lot about it last night. I believe he went to his parents house. I checked his phone records and there were a lot of calls to his mom, dad, and brother. This however is not the best of news since none of them support us and they pretty much disowned me

I have tried so hard with POJA, he is so closed off that it is really hard to get him to open up and talk to me. I think that is the major problem and why he refuses to recover.

The way he was talking last night, our recovery is a a screeching halt if not dead end.

I took all of the pictures down.

It wasn't that long ago that you were the BS. Maybe you need to up your snooping.

A common wayward tactic is to blameshift onto the other spouse. I'm not saying he is, but you need to know first.

fifteen, you said this in January 2012:

So I see that OM does not work with you any more. However, you still work in a mixed environment, having had two affairs with co-workers. This also seems to be the same school in which you had your last affair, so it is not surprising that your H is triggered by your working there.

I read in your first thread that Neak advised you to find a job in an all-female environment. You never did that, it seems.

Why can't you give up your job until you find one that is suitable and that allows you to practice your EPs? I will tell you that I never felt safe after my H's long-running affair until he took early retirement last year, along with a drop in income (of course).

On an additional issue: I'm with those who think that your H is still in contact with his affair partner.

((((fifteenyears))))

I am sorry to hear this latest news. You know how my sitch is, so I feel totally unqualified to give you any advice...I fought for our M as long as I was capable of fighting, and after that, I fought some more. That's a decision you'll have to make. I'd encourage you to give it more time, as it hasn't even been a year since d-day, and you've got the added complication of his RA, which I didn't have to deal with.

I know you had good intentions with the pictures - but now he is questioning your entire relationship. I'm like you, I can look at a picture of H and I together, pre-A, and wish with all my heart I could turn back the clock and go back in time. But as we've proven ourselves false, to have been able to lie so well and so convincingly, our H's look at those old pictures and memories not through rose-colored glasses, but with glasses that have been shattered and cracked, glasses that distort the memories of the past. Our adultery distorts and warps their view of everything that we've been through together...if we could lie so well during an affair, then what's to say we weren't lying then? Pasting on a smile to cover up blackness in our hearts? The problem is, yes, one of perspective...*we* know what was in our hearts the day that picture was taken...our H's *thought* they knew, thought we were happy, thought that we loved them...but they also thought that while we were committing adultery.

Just hang in there. Continue to be the best XVY you can be. As long as you can be. This is really the only place I found encouragement while I fought for our M, b/c most everyone IRL told me to cut my losses.

Not much advice, I know...just thinking of you, b/c I know how it feels to want something so badly, to want to fix what we've broken.