take care scotty. see you when you return :O)

Hi Scotty, hope you are able to sort everything and get plenty of rest. Enjoy focusing on you and your boys.

Take care, talk to you on your return.

ScottY:
Neither of you have filed yet, right? Just make sure you are documenting what you can about your finances. You might need it down the line. Just saying since I'm in the midst of a trial and his spending on "non-communal" expenses will matter.

And keep up the good work in Plan B. He might wake up. It happens. It's not happened to me but to another long time MBer. She will post -- eventually.

Scotty, wondering how you are, reading your thread and another thread relating to your sitch. I can really relate to how you feel, my heart went out to you b/c it was me. No matter how dark, no matter how WH behaves I still love him with all my heart. I am here for you, if you need someone to talk to I am happy to exchange email addresses if you want to contact the mods. I know how hard this is for you but you are not alone, you have done an amazing job so far and you can get through the anniverary hurdle. My thoughts are with you.

Just checking in on you, Scotland. Hope you are well, taking good care of yourself in Plan B.

RS, I would say that "I'm okay" but honestly, that would be my public image. When I am really upset, I sort of cocoon myself. And it's not like I come out like a monarch after the cocoon is gone, more like a moth, but it is what I need.

I was actually going to update my thread, in hopes that it may help someone else out there know that they aren't alone, although with this crazy muppet brain of mine, it could just be me.

I'm about to be 100% completely open and honest with you all, and that makes me quite scared, because I'll be vulnerable. Also, I don't quite know where this is heading.

I alluded earlier in my thread that I had been experiencing some health problems. Well, the problems aren't a big issue, it's just some pain in the center of my chest, as well as an inability to breath without pain or pressure, especially while I am boxing(which I have been doing for 2 years now, and I LOVE it). It started in October, and I just fluffed it off. At first, it felt like a strained muscle, or some such. In January, however, I was hitting the handpads and I actually blacked out. I stopped for a few minutes, and when I tried again, my vision started to go gray. I decided that was it for the night, and the next day, I went to the doctor's. She asked me about my symptoms, and I told her. When I mentioned the blacking out, she said, "Don't do boxing anymore." I looked at her and said, "What? I've been boxing for a year and a half and only recently started to experience problems, so it's not that." Also, I had to laff because I am quite over weight and the thought that a doctor would tell someone NOT to exercise was ridiculous. And it reminded me of a joke that my dad told me when I was a child, where a man when to the doctor, and said, "Doc it hurts when I do this," as he raised his arm above his head and the Doctor's answer was "Then stop doing that." That's supposed to be a joke, not real life.

Anywho, the doctor was immediately concerned with my heart, so she sent me for an ECG, a chest xray and had me set up to have a heart monitor for 2 weeks. Also, I mentioned that I believed it may have been asthma which was the cause, so she set me up for a specialist appt with an Asthma and Allergy specialist. I had the heart monitor on in February, and it wasn't fun, especially since I am allergic to adhesives, and had to wear the monitor for 2 weeks straight. The findings from the heart monitor, ECG, chest xrays? I have a bit of a racing heart, but nothing to worry about.

Fast forward to last month, and I get the specialist appt. Lung tests, allergy tests, stress tests, etc. Today, I go for my final test, and I am told that my asthma isn't that bad, so that's not the cause for my pain. Well wooohooo. On to the next thing.

During this health scare(because I was honestly quite worried that there was something seriously wrong), i was ANGRY because I had to deal with this all on my own. I started to realize exactly how alone I am right now. I know I'm not truly alone, but I don't have a partner, and I haven't for some time, and it SUCKS.

So, we add to this the fact that I work part time at a retail job, and I apply at a tonne of other places with not even a call for an interview. It sucks. And full time employment, forget about it. So of course, money's quite tight, and my house is falling down around my ears, literally. I had a tarp on my front porch roof that has been there for about a year. But, I need to plug along, and take care of what I need to, because that's all I can do. Then, my DS11 needs braces because one of his teeth didn't come in, and this isn't covered by Bampot's benefits. Of course. Oh, and then Bampot decides to remove me from his benefits, so I no longer have dental or prescription coverage. Oh yea, rolling in the dough at Casa Scotty.

Needless to say, I have quite the load of external and uncontrollable issues that I am dealing with, and at the same time, it's me.

I have read enough on MB to know about Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, and I remember reading something about Plan B and how it changes a Buyer into a Renter, and it made perfect sense to me. Too bad that it isn't easy to get done. While Bampot was home, I didn't look at other men. I didn't find the need, at all. For 18 YEARS, Bampot was the center of my world as far as men were concerned. Now, I could tell you if a man was good looking, but it was in the same way I could judge a woman. There was never any interest or curiosity in regards to SF with any other man. I'm being completely serious. And many of my friends thought that I was weird, heck I was beginning to think that wasn't normal. Now, I realize that it was more because I was a Buyer, and here, it would have been considered normal.

Anyways, I have some conflicting emotions, as I have begun to feel attracted to men. There was a real war going on in me, because I felt like morally, still being married, I shouldn't be attracted to anyone. It's not anyone I really know. Some actors, strangers that I check out, etc. My boundaries are up high enough that I don't really have any relationships with members of the opposite sex. I'm not that worried about having a RA, since I don't present the opportunities for one. I am quite aware though that had I not found MB, I would have actually probably already had my own A. SHUDDER.

So, the funny thing is that my inner war is that if I am to even fantasize about a guy, and he isn't Bampot, I feel like I am "cheating" on him. Ridiculous? I dunno, but it's what I'm at war with. I need to reconcile my feelings about everything going on with me. I had always found pride in the fact that I had only had SF with Bampot. Now, the reality is that that is going to be taken away from me. I don't want to be alone forever, and I don't think that I should be. I have a lot to offer someone in the future. Just sucks that I have to wait about 10 MORE YEARS. ARGH. That makes me angry too. Bampot gets to go around trying to fill his ENs and mine go unfilled. BOOGERS. I hate that. It's not fair. He was the one who chose to commit adultery, and I'm the one that needs to sit home, alone and take care of the kids. I want to feel protected. I want to be loved the way only a mate can. I want to have that partner. That rock to lean on. That person who cares for me. It's not all fantasy, I had it. And now he has gone and given it to someone else. And he has probably fixed any of the things that I used to complain about, and now he does them for her. That gals me.

I am clearly on a down of the Plan B coaster, and I expect that a lot of changes will occur. As with a lot of people dealing with change, you gotta get to a real low point before you effect change.

I honestly thought I would be much further along in all of this by now. I thought that my career path would have been clear. In the beginning of Plan B, I felt like I could achieve anything, and now, I have gotten into the normalcy of life, and I want something different.

So, I think you all can understand where I'm at with posting on MB for a bit. I just need to get my stuff together so I can help others. It's like what they tell you on planes. I need to put the Oxygen mask on myself before I can help anyone else.

On the Bampot front. Last week, I was walking down my stairs about 630pm, and I heard the special ring for Bampot on the landline. Then, he left a message. It was for the boys, but I deleted, and they didn't even know he left it. It was something about him taking them hiking the next day, I didn't really listen to it. Just enough to know that it wasn't for me, but I was shocked because he hadn't left a message on the answering machine since Plan B first started, and I had to unplug the machine.

Then, yesterday, being Father's Day, the boys had a visit with Bampot. DS9 made him a card and a paper with words to describe Bampot. He came home from the visit and told me that Bampot liked it so much that he cried. That tugged at me a bit. But it doesn't change the fact that Bampot is still a wayward, and so far gone that he probably doesn't know what light looks like anymore.

So, today, I come home from my last specialist appt and there is a message on the machine. I press play, and I hear someone talking, funny, I didn't recognize his voice, until I heard the context of the message and realized he was leaving it for ME. Something about changing his work schedule, and wanting to give me notice when he got it, I don't know what else was said, since I hit delete as soon as I realized what it was, and who it was from. WTH? I don't need anything else plopped on top of my steaming pile right now. ARGH.

I need strength. Those prayers for Walls and Doors sure has turned out much differently than I had expected.

Did anyone actually make it to the end of this long post? Tehehehe. I'm always around, popping in and out, and when I see something I can help with, I will. You guys are amazing, and I'll be back around again in no time. Take care everyone. I'm living La Vida Loca over here but it will get better. I'm gonna make sure of that.

Hugs to you Scotty!! Glad your medical tests are coming back ok. Finger crossed you get normal results on the latest one too. I think you are being too hard on yourself about the feelings you are having towards men. You aren't a robot. What you also refer to as an RA is very different to me too.

I am not sure why you say you have to wait 10 years to have a relationship again....what is that about?

You've been in Plan B for more almost 2.5 yrs now...are you planning to D or not?

Don't mean to pry and you don't have to answer my questions but I hope you don't hold yourself to a standard that robs you of future happiness. Anyway...will hush up...for now. I wish you well!

BR, you may have missed the discussion on here about DrH suggesting that BWs not date until their children are grown. My DS9 won't graduate from HS for 9 more years. I don't plan on remaining married for that long, oh goodness no.

The main reason that I can not D ATM is that I can not get a mortgage on my own. I need to keep this house, and unfortunately, I need to keep Bampot on the deed to keep it. My mortgage is much cheaper than rent of even an apt. And I want to keep the children in the same life as much as possible. Same friends, etc. Also, I am within walking distance of my parent's house, and close to all bus routes. It's ideal to stay here.

And don't worry about asking me questions, that is what makes this place GREAT. I get challenged on my POV and I get to state with more clarity for someone else who may be following along.

Glad you checked in. You have been on my mind.

And how are your nails?

Understood. I don't agree with Dr. H's suggestion that BWs not date, have a relationship or remarry until the children are grown. With an MB relationship or marriage, I think the success rate is higher than the percentages that are stated. Knowing better of what a healthy relationship requires vs being naive as we all once were makes a big difference IMO. It's a personal choice. I don't agree but I understand the concern.

Understand about the house and wanting your children to have the same life as much as possible. I wasn't sure if Canadian laws were an influence in your decision. The financial downside sucks.

Scotty,
Thanks for sharing all that you are going through right now. Going through medical stuff by yourself is really difficult... I wish I had some wise advice, but can only say that your strength and character show through everything you do. Wishes for an easier time soon.
Be well!

to you Scotty. I can relate to how you have felt during Plan B ... I read an earlier thread started by Pep.

I too faced a health issue alone - a potential melanoma and surgery. I was sad having to face this alone and knowing I couldn't rely on Isildur's support.

Its a sad realisation that we are alone and have to face many hurdles without the support of our waywards. The loss of companionship, support and security are hard to face, for me I still struggle with his denigrated views of me and his foggy wayward behaviour ... it hurts.

I understand your need for time out, to regather before helping others. The last couple of weeks have been tough for me and very emotional, I haven't posted on many other threads as I didn't feel I was in the right space to help others and I needed to give myself time.

I'm not up on the topic about waiting till children are grown to start a new relationship, but that seems very extreme. You have allowed yourself time to heal so that any future relationships have a healthy foundation. If you choose a new relationship after D that is your decision. You deserve to be happy, you deserve a healthy happy relationship when you are ready. I do not see any negative impact on your children. They know you fought for your marriage and family, they will see a happy mother moving forward with her life. You will remain a positive role model in their life even if you choose a new partner.

Take care. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I believe there is no set time line for recovery. We have to take each day, week, month at a time and allow ourselves to feel all the emotions. Yes it sucks that it takes so long, but that says alot about you ... you are a loving, caring loyal person, someone with amazing strength and courage.

Actually, DS9 still holds out hope for Bampot to come home. I'm serious. I have said to him, very recently, "I don't think Daddy is ever coming home, but we will be okay." He wouldn't be ready for me to date either.

Dr. Harley explains the concerns with blended families in this clip. It's also our poster optimism and his fiance's call.

Dr. Harley explains daughters would have the most trouble with stepmom and sons will have the most trouble with stepdad.

Scotty is on the right thinking. Please Tell me what you think. Dr. H also says it can be done if the marriage is first and kids are second. That is why they usually fail because the parents put the kids first.

Radio clip of opt's call
Segment #2
Segment #3

When I reread my statement, I didn't quite express myself very well. What I meant to say was that, there will be factors to consider about entering any new relationship, but with the MB principles any negative impact can be minimised.

I understand completely where you are coming from. My DS6 asked me if I would marry again and I said no I am still married, he replied good you are not breaking your promise. If Isildur remains wayward and we don't reconcile, I don't know if I would ever consider another relationship in the future ... seems to go against the grain.

HF, if you read the beginnings of my thread, you will see that I didn't think I would EVER date again. Well, now that I have been looking around, I KNOW that I COULD, just not anytime soon, unfortunately. I don't want to get a divorce just so I can date. That's ridiculous. And until I can get myself into a position to financially be free from Bampot, so I may consider a D, I will do what I need to.

(((Scotty))) I am so happy you checked in and shared with us. My heart goes out to you friend and I wish I had it within my power to make this all better for you. Your day will come. I cannot tell you how much I admire you for your strength and willpower in the face of all this adversity. This is your life dear and you get to decide what to do with it.

I understand your reasonings for staying in Plan B and for not pushing for divorce. You are an awesome mom who clearly puts her children above your own needs. In the big scheme of things, those kids will be grown before you know it. Guess who they're going to honor and respect for the rest of their lives? You.

Please dont let anyone deter you from your path. I know you're lonely but I believe that your rewards for what you've endured and how strong you've stood are going to be great. I think you will be surprised when things start turning for you. I'm praying that you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. Hang in there hon and don't EVER be afraid to reach out when you need help. We know you're Super Scotty, but even Super Scotty can use a boost every now and then.

Take care of yourself and I hope you get to feeling better soon. You've still got a lot of good living to do!

Didn't know if you saw this.

Thanx PM.

Yes, BH. I saw those, and I listened. Having 2 boys, and being the BW, I see how the choice I am making, ATM, is what is right.

My sister is dating a man, and my DS12 has stated that he doesn't want me to date someone, because I may end up with someone like my sister's bf. They're not ready, and I'm still married. It doesn't need to be the choice for someone else. And I won't judge someone else, who has made the decision to date, well after their divorce, while they have small children. But, for me, I'm sticking to the course to lead me down the BEST path.

Scotty I'm not suggesting you start a new relationship, nor that you should D to commence one. My only reference to D, was that if after D (if you choose to D) it was your decision if you wanted a relationship and you deserved a chance of happiness. I do understand your concern for your children, that is my position too. I did read you entire thread quite some time ago.

To be honest I have never considered any future relationship with anyone other than Isildur. I have no plan of D and if at the end of 2 yrs he is still wayward I know I will struggle with D.

I'm not up on Dr H view on children and new relationships/marriages, to be honest I haven't looked at this b/c for me it is not an option now and at this point I can't see it being one in the near future.