Here is our story: we married very young and in love. I (husband) had promised to be a mormon and make my wife happy with her spiritual needs that emcompass being a mormon husband. I would have done anything for the love of my life. However, as the years went on, I decided I could not be mormon as I did not fully believe in it, but I did not want to upset my wife. I have been a faithful husband in all aspects except I have enjoyed an occassional drink when I am on business trips. I have always felt the need to hide this from her because I know it would hurt her. I have lied to her for 16 years regarding this issue and we tried radical honesty last night and she sees no recovering from the fact that I lied to her for 16 years. She feels deeply betrayed and wants to leave. I am not an alcoholic, I have never drank in front of her or the children and have never been in trouble with alcohol. I only drank in social situations with fellow friends. She feels that I will continue to lie to her when I am away as I have no accountability. I want to regain her trust as I realize this is an important need she has (knowing that I do not drink).

I feel being honesty has cost me my marriage and I do not know what to do to regain her trust. I am willing to listen to any ideas on the subject. Please help.

Welcome Mr. sosadwife.

Please register your own name and then post. It's very difficult to understand when you're using your wife's handler.

You will get lots of wonderful help here.

Sosadwife's Husband,
I read some of your wife's thread. This is too confusing, so you should register as yourself.
She stated that she has been familiar with MB for "days" which means you are probably even less versed.

You have run into a problem that took many years to develop and this is not going to go away overnight. I believe you have plenty of work to do to learn the concepts here, practice them, get good at them and then expect some resolution.

Sosad's Husband: keep in mind that to you, the drinking is something you knew about all along. To your wife it's like it all happened yesterday. Expect the news to take some time to sink in. It's like being hit with a ton of bricks to her. In the book she ordered, you'll learn just how devastating Dishonesty, and Independent Behavior is to a marriage.

Another thing you'll hear Dr. Harley talk about on the radio program (and read on this site), is that it is easier for someone to change their behavior than for someone to change their beliefs about something. Like drinking for instance. Since you're married, Dr. Harley would recommend you refrain from doing anything that causes your wife discomfort.

As for the trust issue, we talk here about how trust has to be earned, that it's not just a natural assumption (in parenting, or marriage, or anywhere else, for instance). If you decide to stay married, and that probably means that you will also decide to quit drinking, you will have to come up with some creative ways to prove to your wife that you are not drinking; which may mean no more business trips, or taking her with you...whatever you two come up with together.

I think the two most important concepts for you guys to start with would be to strive toward 20-25 hours/week of UA (look it up). And start practicing POJA (you probably have heard that one already). BTW those are the 2 most important for most us, IMO.

And ohbytheway you're not going to get away with statements like this around here:
Being honest hasn't cost you anything. Lying to your wife (lies of omission), drinking behind her back when you knew it would hurt her if she knew.... those things have cost you dearly. Your current troubles have nothing to do with being honest. In fact, with that dishonesty lurking in the background, your relationship was probably never at the level it could have been. You have now eradicated that block from your marriage. With adherence to a plan better than the one you had before which has lead you to this point, you may find that you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

Now, start your own thread please and tell us what you think.

~optimism

She doesn't trust you and why should she? Your best bet is to not travel anymore so she's not in a position of having to trust you. In the alternative, get creative and FIND ways to be accountable. In just a few google searches I came up with this alternative:

Droidalyzer - portable android alcohol detector

Pretty cool app that let's you share your test results on facebook or twitter. Of course, you may need to combine this with using facetime on your phone so she can visibly see it's YOU blowing into the testing device or maybe you just step into your room and videotape yourself with your laptop at a certain time performing the test with your phone and then tweet the results that can be inspected later. This may allow you to test yourself several times in a night without have to constantly get a hold of your wife. She can check the results or not at any time. YOU are holding yourself accountable....it's not her job to demand a test or constantly be monitoring you (though she can if she wants to).

I saw other alternatives like keychain BAC testing devices but an app seems the most inconspicuous. Plethora of Blood Alcohol Testing devices

Demonstrate trustability over time.

Mr. Wondering

Nice post Opt.

Why, thank you Mr. W. That means a lot.
Hope all's well with you.

opt