yes i have exposed to the husband but he has not confronted her so OW doesn't know that her husband knows. i have no documentation of the affair so OWH and i are trying to determine if there is any contact so he has documentation before revealing that he knows. i think he plans to divorce her once he can document if possible. anyway, OW knows I know about A but doesn't know that her H knows.

i believe the PA ended as soon as i discovered it might exist although WH didn't confess i was right until 7 months later. i hope this makes sense. i believe that when i first confronted my WH with proof of affair with OW#1 and suspicion of affair with OW#2, he ended both. neither of us knew about MB at the time and didn't handle NC correctly. he denied A with OW#2 until 7 months after ending the A. he said she continued to call him at work occasionally for about 4 months after he ended A.

Does your husband admit he had an affair with OW #2?

he finally admitted 7 months after i confronted with proof of #1 and suspicion of #2.

update on alcohol: it had been about 3-4 weeks he had been going to AA and i had seen no evidence of drinking. last night when he came in from AA meeting about 9:15, he was having trouble focusing on making coffee (which he does every night). he was also slurring his words, had dry mouth, etc. i asked/accused him of drinking. of course he denied. this morning i decided to check his car. guess what! an almost empty vodka bottle in front seat. i came in and went ballistic, gave him two choices -- move out or go into inpatient rehab and commit to quit. i don't expect him to do either voluntarily. i'm sure he thinks i'll back off.

OWH has been respecting my wishes about not confronting OW#2 yet. i think i'll tell him today to go ahead and do whatever he feels like. OWH admitted to me he has cheated a few times so he's probably concerned about splitting assets in divorce.

i have to leave house in 15 minutes and won't be back to check this for replies for 6-7 hours. will check asap. thanks for any suggestions!

Yes tell OWH2 to expose on his end.

Are you in ALanon for you?

What did he say about getting into rehab? Should you inform his sponsor?

Your husband's confession is the "proof" of the affair and of course the OWH should confront his wife. I am not sure why you asked him not to tell her since that defeats the whole purpose of exposure. Your husband should know you told him too. I am hopeful the OWH contacts your husband and runs him off.


Good idea! He won't quit unless you force him to.

he went to a rehab place this morning (highly recommended) and talked to them. they scheduled him to come in for evaluation next week. he's begging me to give him this chance.

if he is lying about contact with OW#2, i am not putting up with any more. my plan now is to confront OW#2 to see if her story matches his about last contact, physical and phone. if i find out he talked to her after november, i'm just kicking him out and filing for D. at this point, i almost hope he's lied to me about that so i don't have to go through any more.

rop, but didn't your husband admit to you in the past that he had an affair with OW#2? My point is that his confession is proof of an affair so it makes no sense for the OWH to avoid confronting his wife because has no evidence.

I agree it is a good idea to call the OW#2, but I would also let her know that you have exposed the affair to her husband.

I would have him stay somewhere else until he completes treatment. An alcoholic will say anything to get their way and get you off his back. If you make this a condition of him coming home, you will retain the much needed leverage to force him into treatment.

Make him go through treatment and back up his words. Talk is CHEAP with an alcoholic. Tell him he can't come home until he completes treatment and takes a polygraph to prove his story about the OW#2. Make him work for it, rop!

i don't want OW#2 to know her husband knows so i have leverage to make her talk to me and show me her phone records. figured i would tell her if she doesn't show phone records i will tell her husband. once i get the info i want, her husb will kick her out. i'm to the point of hoping she's still in contact with WH so i can just kick him out and not worry whether he goes to rehab or not. i don't feel the love now ...

One way you might get it out of her is to tell her that you know everything now and want to hear her side of the story.

Every parent knows this is a good approach.
Be sure to use the "robot-stare" and silent nod after you tell her it's time to tell you her version of events.

good idea. i want to know if she knows about OW#1 too. i'm betting she doesn't so i can stick a knife in her with that little tidbit.

Please listen to this.
Radio clip on an alcoholic

i went to OW's office and she wasn't there. i found out she also has an 8 to 5 job in a high rise building and that's where she was. the building was locked so i couldn't get in. i waited over an hour hoping she would come out and go to her personal office but she never did. i gave up for tonight and came home. disappointing evening, now that i decided to confront her. i may try the high rise again tomorrow.

i listened to the radio clip. glad he said demands were appropriate because i am certainly making them. i'm just not sure any more that i want to stay.

She wasn't at either office this morning. Could see her car in garage and sat outside her house for over an hour. She wouldn't come to door or answer cellphone. Her H wasn't surprised -- he said she didn't get home till about 5am and sleeps very soundly.

Finally i lost patience and left VM on her cell that we could talk now in private or i would come to her office next week. didn't leave my name. she called me several hours later; it definitely seemed she didn't know who i was. when she understood who i was she said she hadn't talked to WH in ages and hadn't had an affair with him. we had bad connection and she said she'd call back later. much to my surprise, she called back a couple hours later. denied affair but i started telling her all the places my husband admitted to having sex with her. i asked if her H knew and if she wanted him to know. no and NO. she asked what i wanted. i told her i wanted detail phone logs for last twelve months and i want them by tomorrow. she said she would get them. progress! now i just wait to see what the logs show.

Then what will you do with your information?

You are going to expose, correct? Especially to her BH? He needs to know.

Did you listen to the radio clips on alcoholics? What did you think?

Here's another one.
Radio clip on alcohol in a marriage

i listened to radio clip and thought the written agreement was a good idea. however, knowing my H, my agreement will require the medication that makes you sick if you drink. H is agreeing to that. he's starting out-patient rehab now and the med on monday.

what will i do with the info? if it confirms no contact since november, i will stand by H as long as he's not drinking and maintains NC. if it shows any contact this year, i will kick him out now. at any rate i will give whatever i have to OWH. i've already shown OWH the records i have.

Glad to see your WH is getting help for his drinking. Are you in Alanon for you?

Has your WH wrote a NC letter? Is he meeting all your conditions for recovery? What about calling the MB coaching center?

i went to alanon when we were first dating and married long ago. i actually enjoy AA much better, less depressing. i feel hopeful now about our plan about the drinking.

the NC letter was sent in Feb or March. i received a packet from OW#2 today containing her cell phone log for last 12 months. WH said he hadn't talked to her since November. according to log it was actually december 10, but i think that's close enough.

i would say he's meeting all conditions -- i have complete access to email and phone. although i can see work email and voice mail, i cannot see work phone because it's a big office. he seems to be open & honest about everything except alcohol. now that we have a solid plan for that i feel pretty comfortable with things.

we're doing better at meeting each other's needs. with the deceit about alcohol and my AO about that and affairs, we're certainly not perfect. but we recognize our problems and are working on them.