(((Holyheart)))

You have the fight in you. Good for you.

Hoping for the best for you.

Thanks, BH. Yes, I have fight left in me and I, too, am hoping for the best. I'm way, way less focused on the affair than in the first few years and now it's come down to dollars and cents. And what my kids and I don't get, ends up with Bimbo anyway so I might as well ask for the whole enchilada. I'll keep reminding myself that I'm where I'm suppose to be -- doing what I'm suppose to be doing. Not that I ever wanted this. No way. But D!ck continues to be the WORSE WH on the boards and perhaps a trial with witnesses is what has to happen for him to "get it." And I can't feel sorry for him. He caused this man-made situation and it's time for consequenses AND resolution.

Good luck HH!!!

HH, I'll be thinking of you. Your strength and resolve inspire me, you refuse to let a wayward wear you down.

I read this recently and repeat it to myself often.

"The most noble thing you can do is stand up for what is right, no matter the cost".

Regardless of Court (and I wish the best for you) you are the victor.

I thought Bimbo was long gone ...

Glad to hear that you are looking at the end of the trail.

This court date is for the divorce, right?
Or is it for finacial resolutions?

Do you have the same judge?
Who is going to question the defendants?

Why is not your attorney being helpful to you? What are they advising you to do?

Wow.

Just curious. I have never heard of such a legal mess with a divorce.

Trial has begun. Just about an hour in -- and it's been continued for 3 weeks.

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." From The Art of War.

I don't have to do much since D!ck is digging his own grave.

He is? Wow.

Prayers going out to you.

And D!ck. Let's hope he realizes the error of his ways.

I'm so sorry you must go through this.
Take care of yourself.

Update? Why the continuation?

Continued because the judge was needed in another case. At the end, D!ck said out loud that he needed legal help. That he would borrow the money to get an attorney for the next date -- which is this week.

My attny called with a message from D!ck asking what I'd take to settle. Give him a figure. But I know D!ck. If I say $10, he'll offer $8. So I said "have [censored] give ME an offer." I've heard nothing except D!ck called and text me asking me to call "if I have a minute."

Crickets from me. I have counsel. D!ck can call him. I know better than to talk to this man. I can ignore him without guilt. Not being a conflict avoider -- just -- it's not my job to deal with him directly anymore.

My ammo is substantial and I am prepared. Bimbo will take the stand. Let the chips fall where they may.

Quite interesting how much stronger you are when the WH is out of your heart. When you really, really stop protecting them and care not about them having to face the consequences of their actions.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

You are not being a conflict avoider AT ALL. You are being a warrior and using The Art Of War. Silence when the enemy asks what your plans are is not conflict avoidance. It is a conscious strategy.

I want to be crystal clear for others who follow your thread .... lest they be confused.

Plan B is NOT conflict avoidance. Plan B is addressing marital conflict head on. Plan B is a tool, not a deflection or an avoidance of marital responsibility.

Conflict avoidance = pretending things are OK when they are NOT OK.

Yes, PB. I get it. And not being a conflict avoider in marital situations spills over in other relationships. Kids, jobs, asking help at the grocery store, etc.

Practice speaking up for yourself in other situations. And -- you become empowered like never before.

As horrible as this whole situation has been -- I found something I didn't know was missing. My voice. I'm not afraid to speak up. To ask. To start a conversation with a stranger. To look someone in the eye when I have something important to say.

Valuable life lessons learned when you were at a dark, vulnerable place in your life. Who da thunk?

Self protection from harm is ethical.

It is ethical to not poke a wasp nest with a stick.
It is perfectly fine (ethical) to avoid contact/conflict with zombies/wasp people/ blood sucking creeps/pathological liars/etc.

Even if that zombie/wasp/creep/liar is your soon-to-be-ex-spouse !!!!

Here's an update:
I finally got to tell my story at trial. Not like I wanted to - chronologically -- through incident after incident -- but through my answers to questions as I took the stand.

It's unreal to think that my H of 26 years is now questioning ME about how I spent certain accounts. Since he's his own attorney, I had to respond. But I took a page out of SchoolBus' tools. I turned my chair and talked directly to the judge whenever D!ck posed a question. "Your Honor -- I spent that money on paying the deposit for the dorm for DS", etc. I didn't give WH the power by directing my body language or my replies to him.

It took about 3 hours. My attorney wasn't great, but he did what he was suppose to do. Twice -- D!ck said out loud "I supported two families."

Enough said. He admitted to giving Bimbo money to "pay her bills." He admitted to them charging her business supplies to our credit card. He admitted to taking her on lots of trips out of town on his -- OUR -- dime.

The judge will now review settlement options and render a decision.

I had family and FIL in court supporting me. D!ck had no one. Bimbo was a no show. Don't know why but my attorney says she wasn't needed. We had enough to demonstrate that communal funds were spent on her.

And I found out this week that Bimbo is in trouble again. DUI. And D!ck helped her out with talking a buddy into defending her and getting her charges reduced. And buddy -- tells my attorney that Bimbo has stiffed him on his fee.

Typical. D!ck and Bimbo continue to use people then think it's OK to not pay the piper.

And the gall of D!ck. He sends me a text message calling my family greedy. That money won't buy happiness and health. The nerve of that man! When it's all said and done, I will change my number.

So D!ck continues to blame everyone but himself for the damage he's done. I pray the judge sides 100% with me. It's time D!ck pays for his crimes. He has left me in such a financial mess.

Thank goodness I did some things over the course of this that may be my saving grace. Especially the "pre-separation" time period. I had credit card statements and highlighted all "non-communal" charges. I had a copy of a cashier's check receipt from D!ck to Bimbo (found in D!ck's wallet). I had D!ck sign a paper saying that he would pay for household, kids, my expenses when he left (and he was still friendly). I had D!ck alone sign a financial agreement with the school to lock him in as the responsible paying parent. All the above was submitted into evidence.

This should be over soon. Finally.

Been wondering what's happening with you Heart. Glad you had your day in court and glad you more than held your own. Sounds like your WH made a complete @$$ of himself.

When will the judgment be?

Once this is over, make efforts to let your anger subside and find ways to transfer those feelings to something positive.

I am at the same juncture as you and I really have to discipline myself to redirect thoughts and find good people to be around to get away from thinking about the anger and the hurt.

Thanks for the support. Yes, he made an @$$ of himself. And the judge seemed to be really interested in my evidence, especially the credit card back up. The judge asked me why I showed a particular grocery store on the "non-communal" side of the ledger. I said "Your Honor. On the receipt, the store is listed with an identifying number. That store is located on Waite Lane. I have never been to that store. It is in OW's neighborhood. I do all the grocery shopping for my household. Therefore, those groceries were not for my family. They were for OW's family."

My advice to you is to get your ducks in a row. Like the Art of War. Stock up on ammo.

As for anger? I'm so, so over the big, blow up kind. I vent then let it subside. I talk with Hope and ChaiLover regularly since they understand what I'm experiencing. My family is another story. Not our kids, but my siblings and D!ck's siblings HATE him. They WANT me to attack him however I can. Maybe because I've received such great advice from MBers and others that I've worked this through in my head and heart, especially that I'm not alone -- that so may others go through this type of ordeal -- that I've learned to not take it so personally. I've distanced myself from that.

I don't think about him and her like I use to. I'm in a whole new frame of mind these days. Life is great. I've gotten back my mojo. I don't think of myself as the discarded old shoe like I used to.

Time does heal wounds, but you can't just let time tick away without taking action. I acted. I've changed so much I'm really, really liking the new me.

Glad you're in a better place, Holyheart, but from my research it takes A LOT of time to heal and recover. I know from my own experience that I've gone from anger to hurt to being ok and back through the cycle again. The cycle seems to spiral with the intensity of the feelings waning gradually over time. For me, I still have a many months to recover, and I'm 9 months into the separation and 6 years into a crumbling relationship. You said that you no longer feel like a "discarded old shoe." Hmmm. I still feel like one. Don't get me wrong, my dignity is in tact, and though I have a lot of regrets and remorse for past mistakes, I have self respect and I don't lack confidence. However, a priest told me to be humble in the aftermath of this ordeal, so I also try my best to practice humility. I try and be thankful for what I have and embrace my faith, my children, and all the other blessings in my life.

You're smart to have gotten you "ducks in a row." I did the same thing. I didn't waste a second with legal matters once my wife left the house. I was assertive, patient, and calculating. I had my attorney draft a marriage settlement agreement under my terms. My wife--eager to leave the country to be with her POSAP--finally signed the agreement after sitting on it for 6 months. It's in process and the divorce should be final in about 6 weeks. I have the kids and the house, so I know my two daughters' future is as secure as I can make it. Things can change, I understand, but legally, I have protected my girls and myself as best I can. You are right; that is so important.

Good luck to you with your settlement.