I'm serious here. I am about two steps away from checking myself into a mental hospital.<P>I am out of control. I am pathetic. I have lost it.<P>If this is the way life is, I dont want any part of it.

CeeCee -<P>WHOA!!!! HOld up....what's the matter?<P>I just get on and already there's someone losing it!!!<P>Where's that sage you were going out to get - woman!!!!<P>Start talking.......<P>Here's a SUPER DUPER HUG for you!!!<P>Sheba

Cheryl, is this because of what you were talking about in your previous post? Go out and take a walk! Get some fresh air! Visit a friend, see a movie! You have to get your mind off things for a little bit so you can see with some objectivity that things aren't really terrible (just moderately terrible...). Right now your mind is just swirling over the same things over and over again. You need a break, so take one!<P>You <B>will</B> get through this. Remember that this is just your husband trying to push your buttons again. Don't let him get to you, otherwise it's just another form of control.<P>take care!!!<BR>--andy

ceecee,<BR>Trust me on this, everything will be all right. There will be a time when you will realize that the effect your H has on you is not an issue. You will realize life does go on in fact it gets better and better. You are doing what needs to be done and you are doing it correctly ( it doesn't matter if you lose it once in a while). Your H is the one that is screwing up no matter what he tries to pass onto you. He has been playing a game for quite a while now and I think he is starting to realize he can't control you as easy as he used to. And that is a good thing!!!!!!!<BR>You are not the bad person here..... Take care of yourself....

Oh My God you guys. I can't do this anymore. My life SUCKS CHUNKS.<P>This is not a life. This is the pits of hell.<P>I am about to lose everything, everything, because this a$$ decided I wasn't worth it.<P>Sorry, but I am a serious mess right now.

Is that really true? Are you losing <B>everything?</B> No, you're not. You still have yourself. You still have your daughter. Look at it in objective terms. All you're losing is him. And maybe some material aspects of your life. But nothing that you won't eventually recover from.<P>You <B>ARE</B> worth it. Take a look at your kid and you know that's true. So he can't see that. His loss.<P>--andy

andy-<P>what good is having yourself, when you really don't have yourself. <BR>i mean, what i am, or thought i was, doesn't seem to matter. i have control over nothing right now.<BR>i can't take care of my d, i can't even take care of myself.<BR>as for him losing, well, i would be hard pressed to tell you that he is losing. he is happy as a lark to get rid of me. he says all i did was bring him years of unhappiness. now that he's gone, he's never been happier. you might think that is just another way for him to contol me, but i don't. i think he IS happy. i think that I DID bring him unhappiness.<BR>he has everything he could hope for. he has his little ow on the side, he gets his d whenever he wants, he doesn't have to pay me, he doesn't have a care in the world.<BR>it pisses me off to see that some people can live their whole life w/o having any responsilbity. he doens't care. he USES people. and, gets away w/ it.<BR>people say that what goes around comes around, but i don't see it. he is almost 50 yrs old and has been doing this s$#% his whole life.

You are not losing, he is.... I can't wait until you realize that. Please relax and understand that what you feel is unfortunatly part of this stupid process. You are going thru the hardest thing a person goes through but there is eventual relief, please believe that. Stay with us , vent yell, howl at the moon (not too long it's supposed to get down to 20 tonight) but stay with us. <BR>I am thinking of you and I will send a prayer or a thousand your way. You will flourish ceecee just wait and see....

OK, take a deep breath. We all feel like this sometimes. It's transitory. I know this from having lived it.<P>What you are feeling are normal feelings of resentment, anger, and self-pity. They are negative emotions. They pass.<P>One of the things that really helped me is making a list of all the good things in my life. I listed my children, my home, my parents, my brother, my career, you get the picture. Every time I start to feel like you describe (which actually isn't that often now, but happened alot earlier in the separation), I look at that list and remember to appreciate those things. We all have alot to be thankful for. Identify yours and don't lose sight of it. Whatever your husband is doing, and no matter how wrong it is, it is not a reflection of who you are and the value you have. That comes from within. Look inside yourself and cherish the most important possession of all - yourself.

Thank you Mike. I certainly don't see me flourishing.<BR>All I see right now is a giant crater that I am stuck in, with no way to get out.<BR>My employers think that I need a 'mental rest'. WOW, that oughta look good in the personell file!!<BR>He is trying like hell to destroy my life, and frankly, it's working.<BR>I don't know how to let go of the ropes. He just keeps pulling, and pulling me.<BR>I try so hard. I pray and read and pray some more, but I am having a hard time seeing anything good here.<BR>

Ceecee:<P>What do you mean he doesn't have to pay? If mine leaves me and my kids, HE WILL PAY!! He has not idea how hurricane Kathy is going to hit him.<P>You see, I just talked to MY DAD! He has brought me back to life. I felt just like you only days ago. My dad and my sister are my best friends, and there will be someone in your life who will lift you up, and when it happens it's wonderful to realize HE STINKS, not you. He's the one who should have the low self-esteem and self-worth. It's like I said in my recent post, I have just realized how many people are really behind me including his parents, and how many people are going to be behind him? How many kudos and high fives is he really going to get. NONE. He will live the rest of his life with people not wanting to be associated with him. He'll be empty - and you'll have your daughter, forever.<P>Mom's are always so selfless when it comes to our families. We get a little money and what do we do? We go spend it on something for the kids or H! It's been so long since I've bought myself anything! So being selfless now won't be so hard. Concentrate on your precious daughter, she's a gift from God himself and will be yours your whole life.<P>God bless - please take care.

Your employers understand what you are going through, everyone will understand don't worry about "how it looks". As far as not being able to see how any of this makes any sense...... you won't.... for a while anyway. Just know that it will get better and trust, trust in God and the experience of those that have gone through this. I can't tell you exactly what you will learn or arrive at but there has been alot of people who have a better sense of themselves, perhaps confident that they made it through and they are worth more than thier betrayer has made them feel (hint,hint). Some say that a whole new world opens up and some even say that once they started realizing all that thier spouse wants to come back to them because thier little affair didn't quite work out as planned. He may be happy now but he is living a lie........

Cheryl,<P>I'm gonna take your response and break it down here:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>what good is having yourself, when you really don't have yourself. <BR>i mean, what i am, or thought i was, doesn't seem to matter. i have control over nothing right now.<BR>i can't take care of my d, i can't even take care of myself.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So what you are saying is that you can't be a good mother? I don't think you really believe that about yourself. You're just struggling through and incredible bout of depression. It will pass.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>as for him losing, well, i would be hard pressed to tell you that he is losing. he is happy as a lark to get rid of me. he says all i did was bring him years of unhappiness. now that he's gone, he's never been happier. you might think that is just another way for him to contol me, but i don't. i think he IS happy. i think that I DID bring him unhappiness.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>First of all, don't worry about what he says. It's only his warped perceptions of what he believes his life was like before. Of course he's gonna say that you made him unhappy. It's how he justifies making YOU miserable! If you think back, I'm sure you'll find memories of good times. What are those?! He chooses to ignore the facts. Don't you let him brainwash you into forgetting them as well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>people say that what goes around comes around, but i don't see it. he is almost 50 yrs old and has been doing this s$#% his whole life. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well I don't say that, cuz life ain't that fair. But so what? You can't worry about him anymore. That's the whole point of Plan B. Besides, like you said, this has been his pattern for his whole life. What number wife are you again? 3 or 4? See my point? Do you think he's truly happy? Don't you think he's gonna treat his current OW exactly the same way in a couple of years? He'll never be happy. That's his just reward.<P>Cheryl, if you really think that you are losing it, then maybe you should call your counsellor and get an emergency session or something! But you must regain control. Deep breaths.<P>--andy

Distressed & Hurt Bad,<P>Thank you. I know I need to look at the good things, but I am having trouble focusing today.<BR>I waste so much energy on this guy, and for what?? I have no idea. I guess I loved him so much that I thought we could work through anything. Boy, was I wrong.<BR>I don't know if he will ever realize what is happening or the part he played in it. I guess I need to stop thinking about it.<BR>I wanted my family to stay a family. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.<P>Thank you all for you responses. You have no idea what a comfort you all are to me.<P>God Bless,<P>cheryl

Cheryl, I just read your last post on your other thread and I must say that I got a burst of anger for you just reading it (that part about him saying "I knew you'd let me see her." Sheesh! So I can well imagine how angry that would make you. Believe me, I know how hard it is to keep back the anger and be calm.<P>You know, full Plan B has some sort of clause about using an intermediate to negotiate visitation and financial stuff. Do you have anyone you can call that will act as a go-between? If so, write your H a letter and tell him that you cannot communicate with him personally anymore because of the intense emotional pain it causes you, and tell him that he must contact you through this go-between person.<P>You need as LITTLE contact with this guy as possible.<P>--andy

Dear Cheryl,<P>I'm sending up those prayers right now. <P>What activity are you doing at the moment? Okay, I want you to change activities.<P>And I want you to make an appointment with your doctor for tomorrow. Are you on anti-depressants? If not, then see if there is something he can give you.<P>You were doing so well. <P>I'm praying for you. <P>Connie

Andy and Mike,<P>Thank you sooo much. You have know idea what godsends you are to me. I really mean that.<P>I am feeling better. I am going to get my d and go do something FUN. TO HELL w/ him. You're right. He is the loser.<P>Cheryl

Cheryl,<BR>I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but it feels like the blind leading the blind..<P>Email me if you'd like.<P>{HUGS}<BR>

Dear Cheryl,<P>I just went back and got caught up on your other thread.<P>Yes your husband is one big ..... I don't want to say...... <P>He is an absolute.....I don't want to say.<P>He needs 2 x 4, therapy, and a brain transplant. <P>You, however have been the sane one through this entire ordeal. You have been there CONSISTENTLY FOR EMMA. You have held the fort down. You have done everything you could do considering this C R A P.<P>I really mean it. You are a wonderful sane supportive woman, and he tromped all over your heart like garbage. And now he is letting EMMA be a point of contention for you. No wonder you are so upset.<P>You don't have to let him see Emma on a different day if you don't want to. You are the one that is the REAL parent here. He's on vacation from parenting.<P>Cover your butt with this guy. I really mean it. <P>Cheryl, it is bad right now, and eventually it will get better. But for now, you need to just toughen up just a little bit more, and learn how to turn him off in your mind just like a water faucet.<P>I do hope the Lord sends that Peace that Passes All understanding to you right now. I'm praying for that.<P>I'm getting mad, mad at that enemy, Cheryl. Tell that enemy that is trying to destroy you that he is a liar and to get out right now. And in the name of Jesus. He is a tormenter, because he knows he's already lost.<P>Cheryl, we care about you. I care about you.<P>I'm going to a special church service tonight, and going to have prayers for you. You sit tight and KNOW that you have an ADVOCATE FOR YOU in heaven.<P>God Bless YOU<BR>Connie

Whew! Glad you're feeling better Cheryl! Just remember how you made it through this time when the next blow up comes.<P>Spend some constructive time working on how you can make your Plan B better. I think I remember you saying that it was really difficult to get an intermediary, so maybe you should try limiting contact to email. Or maybe you should screen your phone calls. Let him leave you messages on your machine instead of talking to you direct... stuff like that...<P>whew again!<BR>--andy