Previous posters have made it clear that if your husband is uncomfortable with you having a male trainer, then it does not behoove you to continue going to his classes.

"I feel I am being held in bondage by my past, not forgiven, and held to over the top expectations even though I have promised that I have determined to remain faithful."

Okay, this kind of talk is probably one of the reasons your husband is in such bad shape.

You have hurt him deeply with your affair. Do you fully realize this?

It is not "over the top expectations" to ask that you use a female trainer.

And what good is your word to your husband? So what if you "promised" you are ready to remain faithful? Didn't you "promise" that you'd be faithful on your wedding day?

I know I'm being hard on you. Please open your eyes.

You are behaving like a victim, but you did this to your marriage. What can you do to help your husband heal?

Mainly verbally-consistent AO and DJ...very minimal Phys.

Thank you for your suggestions..I feel in this format you are only getting the tip of the iceberg. I have received AO and DJ from my husband ever since we were married. (23 yrs)this I believe was due to the fact that there had been fornication before marriage that was unknown to my husband when we were married...discovered about 1 year after marriage- and I eventually had an EA because I was very beat down emotionally by my H.

There may be raesons for affairs but never excuses.

You need to POJA the training.

If your H is physically abusive you need to separate.

Thank you for all of your help. I don't think I need to separate..phys. not an ongoing problem...yes POJA would be good. we have SAA book.

Thank you for all of your help. I don't think I need to separate..phys. not an ongoing problem...yes POJA would be good. we have SAA book.

Sorry for sending last post 2x. My H's BM is also emotionally abusive. Today is our anniversary. She has seen me in person once as well as talked to me on the phone but wont acknowledge what day it is today. My H told her all about the EA when it happened..at that time she shut off all contact from me for 7 months.
I'm sorry if I'm whining...

I have a couple links that may help;
Read these links and read the links within the articles;

Rule of Care

Rule of Protection

Funny thing about building a healthy marriage is;
it won't happen unless we do extraordinary things that display we want to care for and protect our spouse.

Some simple things that would demonstrate this care and protection would consist of;

No opposite sex trainers.

No opposite sex friends.

No opposite sex - one on one conversations.

Never discuss problems/concerns about my marriage/wife with others of the opposite sex.

My wife and I have several couples that we are close friends with. We do things together as couples, but we never place ourselves in a situation where there could be any appearances of wrong doing. I am friends with the guy and she is friends with the gal and we never deviate from that. Care and protection!

The thing about a personal trainer of the opposite sex is there CAN be an "appearance" of wrong doing without ever doing anything wrong. Hence we protect ourselves and our spouse by staying clear of these situations to begin with. This would be called an "EP" or "Extraordinary Precaution".

BTW, Congrats on you and your H's Anniversary!

Are you saying you want to continue to go to exercise classes with the trainer even though you know it upsets your husband? And you seriously wonder why your marriage is bad? Are you this thoughtless with other issues?

Here is what Dr Harley told a wife whose husband was doing things that upset her:


You are asking your husband to suffer so you can have what you want. That expectation means you don't care about him.

If you want him to show care for you, then you have to demonstrate care for him.

If going to the gym upsets your husband, then stop it. Find a way to exercise that makes you both happy. I ran into this dilemma when I went to a gym several years ago. It upset my husband. So I stopped going and set up my own home gym. Why in the world would I ruin my marriage over exercise?

I wasn't "held in bondage" - good grief. I had a CHOICE to make my husband miserable or not make him miserable. I was not FORCED to care for my husband against my will. One is not a prisoner when they CHOOSE not to upset their spouse. That is the language of children; you are a grown woman.

What in the world are you doing, biking with a MALE trainer?? Are there no women trainers? Have you made no attempts to affair-proof your marriage? Have you read anything here? You should NEVER be in the company of a man who is not your husband.

No you didn't. You had an EA because you felt like it. Don't play us - we'll call you on this every time.

Yes. You're whining. It's not all about you, smj. Knock it off. It's unbecoming, especially based on the fact that you have been screwing around on your husband.

Please listen to these radio clips on just compensation to give your BH.

Radio clip on Just compensation at about the 5:30 mark
Segment #2

smj,

I hear you saying that you have experienced lots of pain in your marriage. I hear you saying that you are unhappy.

No one is denying that.

What the posters here are trying to get you understand is that you are responsible for your part in the marriage. If your H is hurting you, how does it help the situation to turn around and do the same thing?

Do you see why you are being called out on it? There are no excuses for bad behavior in marriage.

No one can MAKE you have an affair or lovebust.

You are 100% responsible for your lovebusters and your affairs. The sooner you stop making excuses and start fixing your side of the street, the better things will become.

You will become a better wife and a better person in general.

*Take responsibility for your affairs
*Stop lovebusting
*Start meeting his needs

If you have not read Lovebusters and His Needs Her Needs, that would be a great start.

smj, NOTHING will get better until you own up to your own junk.