Married 13 years but together a total of 19, 2 kids - 4 and 7 years old. Oldest with aspergers/adhd.

So over the years especially since my oldest was born our marriage has gone down hill. I had bad PPD after him and had no support. No family where we live so iwas on my own. My husband was not supportive. I have clinical depression but am not on any meds. I am able to get thru each day and do what needs to be done at the bare minimum. Husband and I are currently in marriage counseling for about the 4th time in the past 8 years. I am also seeing a therapist on my own. Husband has anger and yelling issues especially with the kids. He is in denial with my sons aspergers. He has only taken both kids somewhere twice in their whole life.

We have nothing and havent in many years. we live like roommates and not a married loving couple. It kills me. I do not love him anymore, I hate him. I think about and look for ways to leave him every day, it consumes me. I always was loving and caring toward him, so I thought, and he would push me away and reject me. I am the one with a higher sex drive and always has been. He is fine without sex with me and I suspect he looks at porn instead. I got to the point that I couldnt take the rejection and no support any longer so I gave up trying. We dont talk, we cant. There is no love no nothing anymore.

I love my kids more than anything in the world and hate seeing him yell at them and threatening them. It kills me. I am so angry at him, I resent him, I hate him. I dont know what to do. I dont think this marriage can be saved.

Arent I worth more than this? Arent I worth it to be happy? Should I stay for the kids and just be miserable and watch as they are emotionally and verbally abused in exchange for the few times he is nice and loving to them?

I have wanted to leave him for probaby 6 years but really thought about it the past 2 years. He was my first serious boyfriend out of high school and I was never with anyone else before him. Then we got married. Like it was what we should do and not because we were in love with each other. I think it was a mistake now.

Please I need some advise how to decide what to do and how to do it. Please help me and not just tell me to buy the program. I dont think our marriage can change at this point.

Thank.

Welcome to Marriage builders.

I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

What is your DH doing about his anger? Will he get into an anger management program? Anger Mgmt 101

This program will teach you how to restore love in your marriage.
Have you read this? A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Thank you for your reply. He is not doing anything just going to our marriage counseling. he is reading Love Busters too but only on ch 3 and hasnt implemented anything. Im done reading books and trying to change and trying to make things better. I am so hurt from all the rejection in the past and haveing no support or encouragement or help I just cant go on anymore and try. I dont know what to do and how to do it. Please help.

WHy not read the books together .. in bed ... after the kids are in bed? that way you can discuss the chapters as you read them together? THey make great UA time ... taking turns reading outloud.

ALso .. read the book "His Needs Her Needs" ... OUTLOUD! it s what got the ball rolling for my wife and I after our counselling sessions failed. Marriage counsellors dont know how to save marriages anyhow.

I also suggest you print out 2x each of the questionaires on this site and fill them out and exchange them .. they give a great guildline to follow so that each of you understands what your emotional needs are .. and what your love busters are. ITs a great starting point.

I also suggest folowing the POJA. You dont HAVE to buy things from the website or the program or anything. The books help a great deal when you spend the time TOGETHER working over them.

If your hubby is fine going without sex .. chances are he is getting his need met somewhere else. Porn ... affair ... whatever. I would put a keylogger on the PC to see what he is up to. If you do .. an find something you dont like .. DO NOT CONFRONT. Bring it here so we can help you with the next steps.

Make sure to read all of the BASIC CONCEPTS and material you can here .. it will help you better understand Dr>harleys concepts.

please if you can provide me with what the acronyms mean that would be much appreciated. I am still so new I am having a hard time understanding. whats POJA?

Also, we dont communicate or spend any time together really so sitting in bed reading a book is out. He wont want to, he just wants to watch tv and play his video games or computer. Ive tried in the past getting him to read books with me and its failed.

really I am at the point that I dont think I want to make the marriage work. I just want to get out. If I feel that way is there any reason for me to try?

And he is ok with no sex but I AM NOT! I am not a typical woman and he is not a typical man in the sex drive dept. He has always been less is more but Ive wanted more, even in the begining.

I know for sure he is not having an affair. I am not either.

That's up to you to decide. This article might help you make a decision: When to Call It Quits - Part 1

Here Acronymns and Abbreviations

In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

You sound very depressed. Dr. Harley says the main cause of depression in women is their relationship with their husband. Have you considered taking anti-depressants for a short period of time so that you can make a level-headed decision about what to do with your marriage?

The fact that your husband is going to counseling with you and has read part of Lovebusters shows that he's not ENTIRELY unwilling to work on your marriage. There's hope, if you're willing.

What to do with an Angry Husband

Thanks Prisca for the comments. Yes I am depressed and I have been for a long time. I have been on antidepressants before, not currently, but was on 3 different ones at one time not to long ago and the side effects were worse than feeling like I do now. Plus it didnt help with what was going on around me. Basically my dr said she couldnt help me medication wise anymore unless things changed around me. Well they didnt so I got off the drugs. I felt better for awhile but now I dont again but things are still the same around me. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from it all but i love my boys too much to be that selfish. Ihave thought about meds again but dont think they will help. I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go. I hate this.

Did you read when to call it quits that was posted and the radio clips? You need a plan and then stick with it and that will help.

Your situation needs some changes and so what are you going to do? Separate until he gets his anger under control?

Also why don't you email the Harleys? That will give you something to do. Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

What I was thinking is that if you get on them short term, then you could make decisions about what to do without the depression making everything look impossible. The meds would not be a fix to the depression, but rather a temporary bandaid to help you feel better and make decisions.

The real solution to your depression will have to be in changing your situation. Your husband's anger is a real problem, and you will never come out of depression nor will your marriage ever get better as long as he continues to have angry outbursts.

Have you shown him Marriage Builders? It is far more effective in recovering marriages than traditional marriage counseling. If he will come here, he can get the help he needs in learning to care for you.

Have you talked to him about what his anger does to you? Is he willing to make changes?

I have read the articles on when to leave but having to do the one month deal of where I do everything perfect and do everything is just so overwhelming that I cant even think about it let alone do it and then leave. We have 2 small kids, I just cant leave. And for him to leave he wont. I mentioned a separation tonite and he said no. Really he doesnt see anything wrong with anything.

How do we sign up for marriage builders? Is it just theonline program I see on the website? Or is there still seminars we can attend?

I really dont know if the meds will help again short term, they didnt before as we had the same problems and it didnt help me make a decision then. I dont understand how some people can make a decision so easily but for me I cant.

We have been in a bad place for years, probably the last 7 for sure. And he seriously thinks things were fine all those years with no intimacy, no sex, no talking, no love, no shared interests, nothing. Empty life and he was happy and I was miserable. Life has to be more than this. I just cant believe GOd put me here to live life like this. I feel like my past 15 years were wasted.

We are readig Love busters right now. He is trying tochange but its not enough. he wont change. I dont think I can change at this point either. :-(

I have told him what his anger does to me, for years and years. We talked aobut it in marriage counseling when we first went like 8 years ago and the counseler said it was my responsibilty to not react. fine but that also gave him an out to not have to change andhe didnt. I told himthen I was worried about how he would be with the kids and yell at the kids and such. The counselor said he wouldnt. Well here we are with 2 kids and he yells at them and swears around them and at them and its horrible. It makes me yell and get mad at him and then it just spirals out of control. We both end up yelling. I just want out.

Please stop your AO also because this is not healthy for your kids.

Please listen to this radio clip on AO. The Harleys play an AO and it will give you chills. Dr. Harley says AO are deal breakers.
Radio Clip on AOs
Some excellent radio clips on AO.
Radio clip on AO
Another radio clip on AO

Why?

He has no reason to leave. Everything may very well be all fine for him. What he needs to see is that it is not all fine for you.


You can contact the Coaching Center. Steve Harley is real good at getting through to stubborn husbands.
You can do the Online Seminar and Home Study Program
Or you can do the Online Program.
They are no longer doing the weekend seminars.

You can also contact Dr. Harley for free on his radio show, either by email or calling in.

What is he doing to try to change?


That counselor was DEAD WRONG. Dr. Harley would say that it is your husband's responsibility to not abuse you. Of course you are going to react strongly to being abused. You are only human.

Would you invite your husband to come here and post?

We can help -- many of us have been there with the angry outbursts, the depression, etc ...

The problem is...if you keep on doing what you're doing, you're going to keep on getting what you're getting.

My H also never had any reason at all to live up to the kind of man he could have been all these years. I never held him accountable. By allowing his poor behavior, I allowed him to continue to be the kind of man he became for many years.

If you follow MB, your marriage has the best chance of survival. Of course, following Plan A and Plan B is risky, but what's the alternative? Doing what you've been doing? Being a doormat? MB is not about being a doormat. It's not about marriage at all costs.

Marriage Builders is about building a great marriage, which will take both of you.

If you follow the MB plan and end up going into Plan B, your H will either become a better man and return to the marriage to build it into a good one, or he won't...in which case you will have lost a bad marriage.

I know it's scary. I didn't have my own income for many years, lived overseas during the time our marriage declined badly, and felt completely impotent to make any changes. However, if I had followed MB way back then, it's possible our marriage could have changed for the better years ago, instead of having to live through some awful times for years. I wish I had MB back then. You have a good plan to follow. Fear is natural, but courage is required.

I also encourage AD meds. I took anti-anxiety/depression meds and they began helping within a couple of weeks. It shouldn't make you feel strange or different in any way, except that your mind works better and makes you feel a little better, lifting the darkness of depression. It changes the way the synapses work. It was great. Used them for a while and now have been off for almost two years. Some people need only a tiny dose to start the better cycle.