In addition to this, and to what I suggested above as well, I would pull a page out of the Mortarman Action Manual (actual advice to estrela) and after you have all her belongings packed take them to a storage unit prepaid for one month, and then give her the note that Mel wrote along with the key to the storage unit. Change the locks on your doors when you need a break from packing.

Sorry MB, I think you misunderstood me. I'm not giving her six months to get her act together. I'd be crazy to do that.

What I mean is I'm going to give her an ultimatum. IF she decides to leave this OM right now, as of today, then I am not going to just take her back like nothing happened, have her move back to the apartment, and work on our marriage.

I want to see changes. I want to see her hit rock bottom. I am going to keep her unsupported, financially and otherwise, EVEN IF she agrees to end it with OM. She will have to find a new place to live, get a job to earn her money, and show me that she can get her life in order. And if after six months she can show me this, THEN I'll work on the marriage too.

Does that make sense?

I think you misunderstood also TW. I already DID pack all her stuff, and put it in a storage unit. I changed the locks and even put an extra deadbolt on the door in case the manager tries to let her in the apartment. All the credit cards and bank accounts are cancelled. I have taken action.

Ohhhhh, I obviously missed this. Is she aware of this?

You are in denial. She is only interested in taking your money while she hunts for men. She is making a fool of you. You have given her the chance to change and she has turned down your offer. Anyone who can read her email and then say "I think she is really interested in recovering our marriage" is not a friend with reality.


But still........what? Lots of people come from broken, abusive homes. Has nothing to do with becoming a serial cheater. Her childhood is about as relevant as the price of tea in China.

I am pretty much done talking this to death. I have my own marriage and my own career and this is all a big waste of time. There are hundreds of posts giving you good guidance and still you have taken no action. Just talk. Talking a problem to death does not solve problems. If you want to be wishy washy and double minded, do it on someone else's time. I don't have time for that. I wish you the best.

I agree you would be crazy to do that. But you suggested EXACTLY THAT. Here is what you just said a couple of hours ago:

Okay ML, if you feel like I've wasted your time, I'm sorry for that. But I do feel like I took action. I don't think I'm just talk. But for what it's worth, thanks anyway for whatever help you've given me, and I also wish you the best.

Oh, okay. Got it. You gave her an ultimatum TODAY, as of TODAY. Got it. So, what did she say, TODAY?

Maybe I just need to leave this forum for a day or so and calm down. I'm not even putting my thoughts down correctly. I didn't mean to be contradicting. This is what I meant:

I'm not giving her six months to leave the OM. I'd be crazy to do that. She has to leave him NOW.

I am going to tell her that for a minimum of SIX MONTHS, I am going to keep her cut off with no financial support or otherwise, and SHE has to prove to ME that she can get her life back in order before we start working on our marriage.

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You know what? This all started 20 or so posts ago (all in the past hour - please read everything since then) with me saying that plan B is difficult, and that I needed to make a list to remind myself why I need to stick to plan B.

Then MikeStillSmiling sends me a post telling me to forget about the plan and just divorce. Somehow, that struck a chord in me to just give up on plan B.

Now I feel like I've been rambling on, probably a little incoherently, and losing the support of various people on this site. I don't mean to waste anybody's time and effort, but if you really think I'm a lost cause then maybe I should just go on with the rest alone?

Why do you have to give up Plan B if you are going to Plan D?

The only reason you would do that is if you want to maintain some contact but are hopeful filing D paperwork will scare your WS straight, as far as I can see. That won't work!

And some of us stay in Plan B even after D is complete.

Okay, let's be clear: so, are you saying she has to leave OM, and that she is on her own for the next six months?

What goal do you hope to achieve by doing this? Are you planning to spend a half year apart to repair your marriage?

Have you lost your mind??? Where did you get the idea that separating is how you repair a marriage???

You do not have a clear understanding of Plan B. It is not designed to win your WS back to the marriage although sometimes cutting off contact (i.e. stop meeting the WS's ENs) will knock them down off the fence.

Plan B's main purpose is to pull you out of the wayward's drama so that you can begin to find some peace and protect your health. Plan B is great from someone even if they are going into Plan D.

BTW, the way that I read MSS's post is to stop being so obsessed/analyzing what is going on w/your WW and your M when he sees that there is nothing to save. Plan B will actually help you will that.

Okay, I took a nap, took a deep breath . . . let me summarize what just happened in the last 5 hours and 40+ posts.

After going through plan A, including full exposure and giving my wife a list of conditions, I still wasn't getting anywhere. I decided that my situation is past that point and so I went for plan B.

So far in plan B, I have set up an IM, changed the locks to the apartment, put all my wife's stuff in boxes and put them at an offsite location, canceled all the credit cards, and wrote a letter to my wife saying that until she agrees to my conditions, I cannot work on our marriage, and I cannot be in contact anymore.

Then in the past 5 hours, I guess I freaked out and the thought came to my mind to basically give her an ultimatum instead of waiting out plan B. This is where the 40+ posts came in the past five hours. I did not do anything yet, just have an exhaustive discussion (argument?) with lots of people here that I know is trying to help me.

Then I took a nap.

And now I'm a little more even headed, and still at plan B. Okay, I get it now that plan B is not necessarily to get my wife back, but to get peace of mind away from the drama. So anyways, I'm going to try and keep going with this plan B, even though it's been only two days and I'm freaking out! But I know I can do this.

In the meantime, today in the mail I got the rest of the books I ordered: Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. I already have Surviving and Affair a few days ago, which I started and will be the first one I read through. I'm going to read through all three while in plan B, since I'm sure it will help me, even if this marriage does not work out. And I'll use this forum from time to time for support to keep going.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

Well that's how we learn don't we? Glad you're back.

Have you read this? What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Also read in SAA about Plan B and it will answer alot of your questions.

Thanks for the support, BH. Tonight, a friend of my wife's called me to say my wife asked to stay at her apartment (since I am cutting my wife off financially and cut off from our apartment). I told this friend the situation, and kindly asked that they do not contact me or update me about ANYTHING on my wife.

Then I thought about it, and told them to contact me for only ONE thing; if my wife told them she was pregnant. The reason I threw this one in is because as far as I know, if my wife gets pregnant by this OM, I might be responsible as the husband. Is that right?

Did I handle the situation correctly? In plan B, in addition to setting up an IM, should I contact all my friends telling them not to update me on anything about my wife?

Do these friends know of the affair? Then yes you did the correct thing in telling them not to tell you anything about your WW. If they do not know about her affair I would let them know and then tell them to not tell you anything.

If she ends up pregnant I would demand a DNA test. You will not be responsible if you're not the father. Just make sure she doesn't put your name on the birth certificate. I would not worry about this for now, because for now you're in Plan B.

Yes, these friends know about the affair. Everyone knows since the exposure. They just don't know about not updating me, about the idea of plan B.

Can you check my sig? Not sure if I wrote that right.

Looks good.

Phew jah, I was glad to come across this post after catching up on your thread.

Your emotions are all over the show, and thats okay, its part of the rollercoaster. This makes it all the more important that you follow the advice here and follow the plans. You can't trust that your emotions will make good logical decisions in your best interests.

Keep taking action to follow the plans, well done.