My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. We've gone through good times and bad times, I'm here because of a recent event that has happened and I feel very broken about it. It has hit both of us very hard, my girlfriend cheated on me with 4 other guys 2 of them were one night stands. The others were multiple times over the course of two months at least and she informed me that she stopped because she was starting to get attached. She came out about it two months after the fact. I forgave her instantly knowing how she felt for being there in a past relationship and feeling vary guilty and unworthy. For about a month afterwards our sexual relationship was fine, but recently it has ground to a halt and neither of us know why, she has confessed that sex lately is awkward with me and she has no idea why. As far as I know she has broken off all ties with the other men. I do not know who any of them are which makes me feel even more scared because I do not know if there are any hiding behind the curtains so to speak (i.e. new friends made recently and such). She is a divorced woman with two kids and has a very strong moral character till recently. For 7 years she was faithful to a man that never deserved her loyalty for a moment of his life. Though she gave it to him anyway. any man she has been with since, that deserved her loyalty she cheated on. Myself included. She adamantly believed you do not sleep with a married man either and she did just that with one of these men. I don't know how to help her. both of us have brainstormed on it for hours on how to fix our sexual relationship and came up with almost nothing, taking a break in our relationship has come up a couple times and I do not want to resort to something like that. She has expressed to me that she feels emotionally detached from me. I do not even know what that means or even how to being to repair this gaping wound in our heart of hearts. If anyone, knows how to help I would be eternally grateful.

Aaron.

Welcome, AJ. I'm sorry, but your girlfriend is playing the field. You understand that, right? I personally think she is a slut, based on her history. I suspect you can do better. You should not be with a woman who indulges in sex so freely.

I would suggest that you kick her to the curb and look for a woman who is more deserving of you. FOUR MEN?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Are you going to tell this married man's poor BW so that she can protect herself from STDs?

The purpose of dating is to find a good match for marriage who is in love with you. It is a job interview for marriage. When someone lies and cheats in the interview, they have flunked the interview. Unless lying and cheating is a trait that you like.

This candidate is not interested in you, so you should move on until you find someone who is in love with you and demonstrates honesty and fidelity. This person has none of those traits. She is not a good candidate for marriage.

You're not married, together a scant year and a half, and already FOUR other men??????

Partner.......

I'm kinda known for being brash and direct, but why are you even here looking for advice on what to do? Pal, I know you're hurting at these revelations, but run like Hell away from this trollop. You'll thank yourself one day when you have a real woman on your arm.

ETA: She's not even a good candidate for a "girlfriend".

I don't believe that. but I do thank you for your advice, I feel that any person can be redeemed. I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater.
If that were the case you wouldn't see alcoholics recovering and living sober. I know there is an honest and loyal women in her.
I have seen it, it was that way in the beginning of our relationship for almost a year. I feel she was self fulfilling her own 'prophesy' she is the one that has told me that she has not been loyal to a man that deserves it since she left her ex husband of 7yrs.
I love the woman and I cannot bring myself to leave her.
If she didn't love me she would not have told me about the affair and would not have stayed with me. she would have left.

First off, she didn't have any affairs. She is a free agent. She is not married to you and has no moral or legal obligation to you. Her relationships with these men are no more illegitimate than yours. The fact that she cheated and lied, though, and told you about it does not mean she loves you. The fact that she told you she was "detached" was a nice way of telling you she is not interested.

I would suggest raising the bar a little in your selection of marriage material. Choosing a person who lies, cheats and openly admits she has no attachment to you should be a deal breaker. When you test drive a car and the car blows up, there is no committment to fix the car. Common sense dictates you keep car shopping.

Um, 'affairs x 4'.. that you know about.

She didn't have affairs. She had sex with other men while she was dating you. Consider yourself fortunate that it happened now, and not after your marriage.

She has made it clear that she is not committed to you. She likes being with other men. It's that simple. Cut your losses, friend.

Please listen to these radio clips from Dr. Harley on cheating while engaged.

Radio Clip of cheating before marriage at 5:00 min mark
Radio clip on cheating before marriage at 7:15 mark

Please answer this. Are you going to inform the BW?

Your dilemma is that you have terribly poor self-esteem and the white knight "rescuer" syndrome. When someone TELLS YOU that they will not commit to you then listen to them!

I suggest you read Jah's thread below- you both are 'rescuers' of damaged women, rather than trying restore a once-healthy marriage (and thank your lucky stars you are not married like Jah and can walk away).
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2637264#Post2637264

Divorced, 2 kids, 4 OM, you, and an ex-husband. That's 6 men recently, correct? You understand that she doesn't need a boyfriend to 'rescue' her from her desire to sleep with men who will not commit (hint hint- that's why she's sleeping with MARRIED men). She's a big girl and knows what she's doing, and she doesn't care who she hurts. You would also be very foolish to believe that she was a 100% victim in that marriage, you've probably been fed a baloney story.

She has 2 kids and sleeping with married men. Old enough to know better. You get engaged for who someone is, not who you think you can "change them" to be. This is the lesson that every man tries to teach his teen daughter, because they always want to change a 'bad boy'. You are doing the same thing but you should know better at your age.

She already left. She told you she was emotionally detached and sex is awkward.

Physically staying is not love, it is comfort.

I know it is hard to accept it is over, but you are not a doormat. Spare yourself heartache and find the right woman for you.

Why are you here?
What do you want?

How old are you?

Cool. Neither do most people on this board, but you didn't come here to listen and find out what other people believe, did you?

Then don't. Problem solved.

I expect the need for anti-depressants in your life long term.

Did you come here to learn what circumstances it takes for someone to change? Or just to tell everyone you're staying?

The two of you are not sexually active together, correct? That is what I would expect from unmarried people of very strong moral character.

If the answer is that you are sexually active, then perhaps what happened is when you were introduced into her life, you persuaded her to cross boundaries she did not cross before, as a person of strong moral character, and as a result of that weakening of boundaries she began to weaken other boundaries as well.

Who was the main member of her support network during the latter part of her 7 year marriage?

If you are willing to brainstorm for hours, are you willing to spend hours reading to become educated from an expert?

If so, read these:

Basic Concepts
Q&A Columns
Articles

When you've completed all that, you'll probably have the knowledge you need to brainstorm solutions.

I don't find premarital sex to be a marker of strong moral character.