Here's some more information on exposure for you to read.

I know you say you aren't going to expose your WH's affairs, but I hope you change your mind and keep educating yourself.
This darn MB plan sucks. It failed

He has ended it with both women there is no doubts about that. If I exposed him -I would ruin his business , which our son is now in , and would be taking over in 10 years. I could never let this information out.

I love the guy. . You have to understand he has been the most person husband any woman could ever ask for.. I actually can feel his pain as he can mine. It is heartfelt when he says how sad he is for making me so sad.. He has cried more in the last 2 and 1/2 months than in all our 34 years together.

He has promised no more contact then needed with this bad influence he calls friend.

Another BW lost to the fog ...

Trust but verify ... will he write a no contact letter, will he abide by all your Extraordinary precautions. I would sit down and ask him immediately to write the letter, and also tell him one of your EP's is a post nuptial agreement with you getting a very nice financial settlement.

If he is unwilling then he is not serious about recovery and you will be gaslighted and manipulated for years to come. It will be like death by a 1000 cuts ...

nikkin, in that case, I would most certainly expose his affairs. If he is the kind of guy who would blackmail his wife into keeping his dirty secrets, then let everyone know that he is a blackhearted bum. Tell everyone.... family, friends, your pastor if any. And tell them he blackmailed you if you told. Most certainly tell the husbands of any married women so they can protect themselves from your husband.

The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable. Be loud and proud. If he will only stay with you if you keep his dirty secrets, then your marriage is over. If he doesn't like it, I would help pack his bag and show him to the door.

Don't enable your husband, nikkin. Don't help him be a BAD MAN by helping him hide his dirty secrets. Tell everyone. Your husband is a big boy and he needs to face his family and friends with this.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.John 3:20-21.

If you love him, then expose his secrets and help him be a better man. That is what a loving wife would do. A loving wife does not hide her husband's dirty secrets because doing so only enables it.

If your husband objects to this exposure then he is not in the least repentant or remorseful. A truly repentant person would not object.

Nikkin, I've just read your thread and I am sorry for your pain. You have been receiving great advice.

I know you fear exposure, it is counter intuitive and you want to protect youself, your husband and your family. But the reality is if your WH is not held accountable he is likely to have more A. I know your WH has threatened to leave, this is emotional blackmail and enables him to continue any secret 2nd life he may choose.

Your WH has poor boundaries. He may seem to be remorseful but unless you follow the MB principles and affair proof your marriage, your marriage will be vulnerable to further A. By not exposing you are enabling him, he is not being held accountable and will continue the behaviour.

I know its not easy, all BS have walked in your shoes, we understand how you are feeling but please consider the advice and threads posted.

For anyone that has read my story, does it sound like my husband had more than a sexual ..physical affair with the first prostitute? I have just learned they exchanged cards once as well. Though he says he forgets what holiday it was for.

I also just found out yesterday.. (after going to his office and checking the records for the business credit card), that he did indeed have this hooker with him in a hotel room the first night in FL.

He "claims" she had just ended heroin the day before, (though she had told him she was clean for a while), and she was taking a pill to detox from it.. When they landed, he claims her father could not pick her up, and he would have to take her up to Orlando..from West Palm Beach. She did not have enough of this pill, and while taking it she was going through bad withdrawl symptoms , and wanted him to get a room for the night. He "claims" they slept in seperate beds..and nothing happened, cause he said it really could not, not in the state she was in. Next morning dropped her off at her father's , and he headed back to WPB for his vacation.

I have asked him this very question a 1000 times, and he alwayss said her father was there at airport to pick her up.

Then since I went crazy after finding this out, he took out Viagra he purchased from INDIA!!! LOL of all placessss.. and I said what is that for , and he was he got it a year ago, just in case I wanted sex , when he had just had it with a hooker. I think he lost his mind.

Then he also finally confessed his so called friend and him , went to strip clubs often together as a team. What a team two old men.. acting like morons.

yes, he is not himself. he is the "alien" as we all refer to as the WS. he is gaslighting you bigtime with this story. waywards lie. they all lie. you cannot believe anything he tells you, and if you keep asking him you are only going to get more trickle truth and gaslighting.

nikkin, what do you want to do? do you want to save your M and have a romantic, loving relationship? or do you want to push it all away and go on in these conditions? you need to take a deep breath and start following the plan. going round and round about details right now is just going to make you feel you're as crazy as he's trying to make you with his gaslighting.

deep breaths, ok? your snooping is going well. do NOT confront him with any evidence right now!

I have read your story. I think your WH has many, many secrets that he is keeping from you. I also think deep down you know that but do not want to face the reality of it, which is why you are shirking the advice to expose, set any kind of boundaries for yourself, demand a polygraph to get the truth, etc.

On the one hand you say he is very remorseful, ashamed, and is committed to recovery. But on the other hand you say he is still lying to you about details and threatening to leave you if you expose his wayward ways (when in fact you should be threatening to leave HIM if he does not CHANGE his wayward ways and commit to a recovery plan). Read some threads on here from truly remorseful WH's, you will find that this is NOT the behavior of someone who is remorseful and ashamed.

nikkin, what does any of this have to do with saving your marriage? Are you reading our posts or are here to blog?

Did you read our posts about exposure?

PLease answer Melody's questions.

Also this to help you with the clips.

Question:

What does asking the same question "1000 times" say about YOU?
Think about this.
That one comment of yours told me nearly everything I need to know about your problem-solving ability.

"Can't see the forest for the trees" ... Are you familiar with this old saying? What does it mean?

Asking the SAME QUESTION "1000 times" means YOU are too involved in the details of a problem and you are missing the situation as a whole. This is true for anyone who asks the same question "1000 times".

Stand back. Put your emotions aside so you can think clearly. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.

BLACKMAIL .... � the use of threats or the manipulation of someone's feelings to force them to do something

Yes, your WH is blackmailing you.
This is a very ugly, dishonest way to hold you hostage in your marriage to a serial adulterer.

This is the truth. Do you recognize this is BLACKMAIL?

Do you actually want to hear advice that will face the truth of this situation, or do you want to beat around the bush?

What part of this makes sense?
What part of this makes your MARRIAGE the higher priority?

Thanks BH. I meant to post that on both threads, but got sidetracked.

To everyone .....


This post is intended for others reading along, not just for nikkin.

I want others to think about false/phony LOVE BANK deposits. Counterfeit money, as it were.

Consider the LOVE BANK and why we keep it in such reverence here on MB.
The LOVE BANK keeps us romantically in love with our spouse.

Now, consider the non-reverence for the LOVE BANK when a "so-called-deposit" is as half-assed as this ~~~>"I promise I will only contact an enemy to our marriage when it is necessary for business-as-usual."

For a BS who is starved for any sort of positive sign, he/she might mistake that as a real show of progress. I assure you, this is not progress. This is manipulation and blackmail, nothing resembling an actual LOVE BANK deposit.

Once again, the BS is asked to accept scraps and be grateful for them.
Once again, the BS is asked to sacrifice his/her need for safety/care/empathy/concern.
Once again, the BS is put into the position of lower priority.

Why would any BS be thrilled to accept an "almost" LOVE BANK deposit?
I'll give you my opinion.
It is my opinion that some BS *think* that they will win back the love and affection and loyalty of their WS with unreasonable sacrifice. They *think* this makes them attractive to their WS. And, guess what? They will get to hang onto a WS who has NO REASON to improve.
They will get to hang onto a WS who now rests assured that the bar is set very low in the marriage. This will entitle them to future mistreatment of their BS.
Short term gain (the unfaithful spouse remains) vs long term loss (the unfaithful spouse learns it is OK to mistreat the BS).


He has promised to continue treating his betrayed wife like crap!

This is what happens when the BS cannot see the forest for the trees.

Thank you for your advice.

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