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#2639475 06/25/12 02:18 AM
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Hi Everyone

I was spring cleaning my password file today. I was deleting the old user accounts and none existing websites. Surprisingly my account in marriage builder is still useable. Many times I have thought of marriage builder forum and the many advices that had helped me during my own marriage crisis. I owe the folks here, my updated story and I hope it will give you some silver lining too. I would not have survived without all those sad and happy stories that I have read here.

I found marriage builder around 2003 and about 6 months after the affair started. I tried plan B then realized I did not read the articles correctly so when back to plan A again and fell off the band wagon many times. I did the spying. I did the checking. Change myself to look more attractive. I also did the confrontation when I finally found out who it was. It was always someone close they say�so yes�the other woman ends up to be his colleague. 16 years younger than he was. Only 19 years old. I told her firmly but still nice to allow us to work out our marriage. My friends told me I should have slapped her face. Now thinking about that, maybe I should have.

I had all the support from his family and our friends. You can say I also had the support from the other woman parents too. She was still living with her parents and they tried to split up the two but it did not work.

Finally I gave him the ultimatum, me or her. He chose her. When he said that, I knew, I had no choice but to proceed with divorce.

Looking back I knew in my heart I tried everything in the book to save my marriage but the relationship he had with her was unique. It is probably true love.

Yes, they got married 4 years after we divorce. They are still married with 2 sons (at the point of writing this).

I know this story sounds like there is no hope. For those of you reading this, going thru the pain and rollercoaster ride, you must be wondering where is the hope?

Believe me, I did not win the battle but I sure did win the war.

I stopped going to this forum after my divorce because I felt disappointed it did not help my marriage at all so why bother reading anymore.

Advice to note, never expect much on the first relationship that drops on your lap after divorce. I thought the next guy was him but turned out to be worst than the ex hubby.

The pain of the affair and divorce will last a long time. When the relationship I had after my divorce also flopped while ex was getting ready to marry the other woman, I was ready to give up.

Then I realized I have not dated enough and given true love a chance to find me. I also realized my mistake of settling for lesser. I was determined that the next guy will be the best or nothing else.

First thing I did was read lots and lots of books about relationship. I was determined to change. By reading up all those books, I realized my mistakes and my fault in my first marriage. I understood why it failed and how I was part of that failure. Just coming to this forum and reading some of the articles/advices were not enough. You have to read a lot more. I read and tested some of the new found method with my male friends. I was dating but no one exclusive.

In 2009, hubby found me thru internet. Exactly what some have described in the books, it was a feeling. The moment we spoke the 1st time on the telephone, I knew it was true love.

Now I am so happy that it was not my destiny to be back with my ex husband. Lucky I did not win that prize. Yes it is not fun being the loser and letting the other woman win but now I am so glad it happen because how would I have met my true love if it didn�t.

I am in my 2nd year of marriage with my true love and I am very happy. The affair is a blessing in disguise. My husband is one hundred times better than the ex. He has everything that I want in a husband. We have respect, understanding, love and everything you can dream off in a happy marriage.

It took many years and a very long journey in self development. When the 1st year after the affair goes by then 2nd, 3rd and so forth, you will start to feel jinx and no end to loneliness. When you are alone, desperate, hurt, angry and depressed�just remember nothing can beat time. The pain and loneliness will end. Time will heal everything and you will move on. I have walked that higher road. It was hard journey but worth every step.

This is my story and sorry it took me 9 long years to finally post it.

I wanted a happy ending so I had to wait it out until it happened to give you guys some hope.

Just remember, you are good, you are great, you deserve better and you will get it. It might not happen now and not immediate but one day it will. Just do not give up. Yours is just around the corner. It took 7 years of corner to get where I am now. If I can survive the affair, a divorce and many nights alone. So can you.


BS age 38 Sep 03 DDay 30 June 05 Divorce
zizzycool #2639476 06/25/12 02:37 AM
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Thanks so much, ZC. It gives me so much hope to hear a story like yours. I'm in plan B, going to start filing for divorce tomorrow. If it does proceed all the way to divorce, I hope there is hope for me too.


BH: 35
WW: 28
No children. Married 4 years.
D-Day (month?): Apr, 2010. Jan, 2012. May, 2012.
Plan A: Not sure; since marriage counseling began Jan 2012?
Plan B: 6/23/2012
No contact letter: 7/5/2012
Currently in recovery, and thankful to everyone here.
jah #2639479 06/25/12 02:58 AM
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It's a shame you did not stick around and complete a Plan B in which you cut WH out entirely. You could have avoided getting into a relationship too soon after betrayal. It is common for vulture-type men to target betrayed wives while vulnerable.

I would stop receiving news about the affairage if I were you. It will come to grief in its own good time, it isnt your business and will affect you, though.

You seem to think this site is for people who want to accept a wayward back and that is not so. It is for personal recovery even more than marital recovery. This site has saved me from many vultures during my separation.

I am glad to hear you have now found happiness. I am just sorry you had to be hurt further along the way.

Last edited by indiegirl; 06/25/12 03:21 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2639484 06/25/12 03:14 AM
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Do you Plan B your ex now?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for posting, Zizzy. Had you gone through that tragedy and come to the forums now instead of 9 years ago, there would be a difference in the advice you would have received. The basic concepts are still the same, but have undergone refining and streamlining in how they're carried out.

I highly recommend that you get your hands on Dr. H's book "His Needs, Her Needs". (I got mine at the thrift store for 10 cents.) Even familiar with MB principles, I learned so much from that about how to have a truly great M.

Glad you stopped by!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2639550 06/25/12 09:29 AM
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When the next chippy catches his eye he'll be leaving this wife too. What comes around goes around. Karma. Whatever.



Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
zizzycool #2639823 06/26/12 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by zizzycool
Now I am so happy that it was not my destiny to be back with my ex husband. Lucky I did not win that prize. Yes it is not fun being the loser and letting the other woman win but now I am so glad it happen because how would I have met my true love if it didn�t.

Do not misunderstand me. I am very glad you have a happy ending. I do question two specific things you wrote. Why? Because .........

"Destiny" ..... Implies some hidden power which controls an outcome. External locus of control. This bothers me. This is the very same proclamation infidels tell each other when they are cheating on their spouse. "It is our destiny to be together." My back stiffened when I read that you subscribe to that same philosophy. "I guess it was not our destiny to be together" is how exits are made from a marriage that could be saved with HARD WORK.

"True love" ..... Suggests a fairy-tail outcome. Very lovely sentiments, very much like "Princess Bride". Here at MB, we subscribe to the idea that true love means making the consistent effort to meet our spouse's needs while avoiding love-busting behaviors. It's called THE LOVE BANK. That love bank controls the ebb and flow of human emotions within the marriage. "True love" IS the love bank, which is not at all magical, not effortless love like seen in a fairy tail. True love takes mindfulness and effort. True love is not effortless.

Quote
The moment we spoke the 1st time on the telephone, I knew it was true love.

This very strong attraction you initially felt will carry your marriage into 2, possibly 3 years. After that, you both will need to apply the LOVE BANK theory to nurture that wonderful feeling towards each other.

"True love" can be diminished over time by neglect and/or love-busters.

Best wishes and many blessings on the success of your new marriage.
I sincerely hope you stick around and learn more about how to safeguard your love with MB concepts.



Here is a link to refresh your memory about The MB LOVE BANK concept

Last edited by Pepperband; 06/26/12 08:47 AM.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
"Destiny" ..... Implies some hidden power which controls an outcome. External locus of control.

Please forgive my ignorance, but how is this any different than God?


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
bitbucket #2639959 06/26/12 04:44 PM
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There's a HUGE difference! Destiny controls, God guides. Destiny manipulates, God offers.

Destiny: It was always meant to be. You had no choice, so why fight it?
God: It's up to you. Whether it was the right choice or the wrong choice, you decided.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2639977 06/26/12 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
There's a HUGE difference! Destiny controls, God guides. Destiny manipulates, God offers.

Destiny: It was always meant to be. You had no choice, so why fight it?
God: It's up to you. Whether it was the right choice or the wrong choice, you decided.

Yep. That's it.

zizzycool #2640026 06/26/12 10:13 PM
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*Looking back I knew in my heart I tried everything in the book to save my marriage but the relationship he had with her was unique. It is probably true love.*

Zizzy, I want to comment on your comment above. I married a wayward believing he had been separated for 2 years, (which at that time I felt equaled divorced, just needing legal ends tied up, as that was what I was told) ill, abused and mistreated by his then wife, and a whole boat load of other lies straight from the wayward handbook. At the time I had no clue a wayward handbook even existed.

But after 4 years here, mostly reading, following other's stories and most importantly learning from the most amazing people I have come across online I will bet you anything, that at some point their (your ex's) union will fall apart. You can count on it. It may take some time but history will repeat itself.

I also thought our relationship was unique but it was a textbook affairage based on lies and did not have a happily ever after ending.

Wishing you a happy new marriage. smile






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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by zizzycool
Now I am so happy that it was not my destiny to be back with my ex husband. Lucky I did not win that prize. Yes it is not fun being the loser and letting the other woman win but now I am so glad it happen because how would I have met my true love if it didn�t.

Do not misunderstand me. I am very glad you have a happy ending. I do question two specific things you wrote. Why? Because .........

"Destiny" ..... Implies some hidden power which controls an outcome. External locus of control. This bothers me. This is the very same proclamation infidels tell each other when they are cheating on their spouse. "It is our destiny to be together." My back stiffened when I read that you subscribe to that same philosophy. "I guess it was not our destiny to be together" is how exits are made from a marriage that could be saved with HARD WORK.

"True love" ..... Suggests a fairy-tail outcome. Very lovely sentiments, very much like "Princess Bride". Here at MB, we subscribe to the idea that true love means making the consistent effort to meet our spouse's needs while avoiding love-busting behaviors. It's called THE LOVE BANK. That love bank controls the ebb and flow of human emotions within the marriage. "True love" IS the love bank, which is not at all magical, not effortless love like seen in a fairy tail. True love takes mindfulness and effort. True love is not effortless.

Quote
The moment we spoke the 1st time on the telephone, I knew it was true love.

This very strong attraction you initially felt will carry your marriage into 2, possibly 3 years. After that, you both will need to apply the LOVE BANK theory to nurture that wonderful feeling towards each other.

"True love" can be diminished over time by neglect and/or love-busters.

Best wishes and many blessings on the success of your new marriage.
I sincerely hope you stick around and learn more about how to safeguard your love with MB concepts.



Here is a link to refresh your memory about The MB LOVE BANK concept


Yes. Many waywards, including my wife, believe that "God" brought them together. That "God" wants them to leave their marriage and be with the other person because they are "soulmates."

I hope you won't abandon Marriage Builders concepts and principles. I know there are many books on the subject as you stated but Dr. harley is a national expert

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Also, when you describe your husbands affair partner as "true love"...that sounds like a wayward attitude.
True love IS NOT adultery.

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Originally Posted by HDW
Also, when you describe your husbands affair partner as "true love"...that sounds like a wayward attitude.
True love IS NOT adultery.

EGG ZAK LEE


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