hello~ i've been around for awhile but i have not posted since 2010 when my daughter came down with a ruptured appendix that left her hospitalized for 42 days and at home with i.v. administered drugs for a couple weeks more. through all that, me and my dh wprked thru it all with very little support- as usual- from either of our biological families. it was really rough as we had 2 boys- aged 8 and 10 at the time at home to take care of as well. it was rough.
and during this time, i my dh, who as a history of angry outbursts anyway, blew his top like he sometimes does- yelling, self- hating, saying horrible things, pacing back and forth and generally stressing me and kids out. i had enough and actually called the cops on him for the first time. i just couldnt take his hysterics at that point. i was glad i did.
since then, things have been better. i always say - i wont be talked to like that and walk away when he loses his temper or raises his voice or i feel myself losing mine. the problem is. he still does. and sometimes he says mean things to me still. like today. i try top remove myself from the room, but i can still hear him yell. the kids and i stay away- but i dont think we should have to live with this. in some ways i think he does this- to get us to leave him alone- maybe this is a disrespectful judgement though, because i am not him. the main problem is he refuses to make a solid plan with me or commit to making an agreement about how to meet eachothers needs in this marriage. it is sporadic. sometimes great! also, he wont help me make plans for the kids chores, education- theyre homeschooled- playdates. he then demeans me for the choices i am forced to make alone. i just put up with a lot of verbal abuse today. i am feeling down and i want to make this better. please help. all your information will be appreciated

the thing that set him off today- all though he has had a temper and been yelling alot and insulting me- was that i told him i needed him to try to meet my emotional needs and spend more time with me and his family- especially making important family decisions- he always says he has to work and he is too busy- but i do not agree to him working more than eight hours a day- he doesnt usually- i think that leaves plenty of time to work these things out.
but then he tell s me that he deserves to relax when he is not working- so he shouldnt have to deal with family stuff. i am at a loss here.
he is often quite disrespectful to me- telling me i have no friends or i am crazy i lazy. i work very hard. i am a homeschooling mom and i know that i am on duty more than he is because he works at home and i keep track on a family chore chart. and i am not crazy. it is true i have very little family support and i dont like to talk about my relationship problems with other people.
i want to talk to him and solve our problems. i want a better relationship for both of us and for us to get what we need with no disrespectful judgements, selfish, demands, and, especially angry outburts.
i need help getting there and we have no one around who gives GOOD advice for relationships. our family and friends and our teenaged daughter give us bad advice about giving him more room and freedom- and avoiding conflict. i know that is what led to his affairs before. they all believe in unconditional-sort of love where everyone minds their own business and respects eachothers privacy. i know that is a recipe for disaster. i know love and intimacy in a good relatioship take real work on controlling our takers, time spent, and honesty!
i respect what i have learned here. please help us. he is not on board. he mocks me for using marriagebuilders and for keeping track of UA time and even our chore tracking chart we use for our family. i think because it shows he spends very little time on housework or on time alone with me or on family committment time. i am not happy. but it seems when i tell him that that it is a lovebuster for him. i am at a loss today. tomorrow will probably be better and i will have more strength and fortitude to be calm and still say the things i need to say to him. he's gone now. fixing our car with a friend- prearranged earlier this week. i do appreciate his financial support and tell him all the time- unless it goes overtime which it doesnt have to! i also appreciate the minimal housework things he does- less than an hour a day, but i need more than that for my love relationship and for our growing children who need our time!
i hope i am readable. i know i tend to have sentence fragment problem. i write poetry and consider myself a poet. i will try to be clear though!

he will be back soon. i hope i can make this better cause its been awful.

Hi, mamansita,

Dr. Harley told my wife that our marriage likely could not get better until I eliminated my angry outbursts. Her no tolerance policy toward my anger has helped our marriage immensely. The last time I had an angry outburst, my wife asked me to leave our home for a week.

I encourage you to insist that your husband MUST control his angry outbursts.

Please take the time to read through Dr. Harley's articles on the subject. There is much information there for you that you need:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
. Read Controlling Husband #1 & #2,
. Angry Outbursts #1 & #2,
. Domestic Violence #1, #2, #3,
. Abusive Marriage #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6

Can you tell us what name you posted under before?

thank you. it is good to hear someone say "this is not ok" not "you shouldnt have made him angry". i will read this. i hope so much to get him on board for the peace and sanity of our family. there are things i want to be able to talk to him about, but i feel afraid to because of his lovebusters towards me. i dont really feel that telling him i am unhappy about a specific thing should be treated as a lovebuster, and an excuse to lovebust me in retaliation. we could have such a better relationship if we could work together to solve our problems without anger.

i have read this and i totally agree. i am interested in your wifes way of handling this. where did she draw the line? i know that when my husband treats me like this i am devestated. we cant contine to live on pins and needles. sometimes he wont let me walk away but follows me around yelling and saying devestating things just to hurt me. i am sure he feels there is truth in these things too, although he doesnt say it when he's not mad. i know i am not perfect but i try to do my best and i work very hard and my family means the world to me.

Dr. Harley says that the first thing that has to be done to overcome anger is to agree that nobody can make you angry.

Over here you can get links to some radio shows where Dr. Harley discusses what has to be done to overcome anger: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602#Post2603602

Incidentally, Dr. Harley overcame angry outbursts in his own life, many years ago.

what if he wont agree to leave for a week like you did? i cant make him, of course. and some things he does are not really aggressive so much as disconcerting- like yelling, or saying, "my life sucks, and on and on ad nauseum when he's really upset in fron to fthe kids. our life does not suck, he does get angry easily and brings up unrelated issues and escalated his anger. its like he's saying leave me alone- but he wants to sit right in the middle of the house being angry and periodically saying horribly mean things. and we need him to be involved here. his anger is helping him to avoid me and his responsibilities to his family. i would rather he just leave when he's like this because it is terrible to walk aroung on pins and needles. but i think he would just laugh or tell me its is house and i should leave if i dont like it. i dont want to abandon my kids. i dont want to bring them from their home. but i need to peace and dignity and respect. i want to give it back, too. i do try to say how i feel in a calm way always or to walk away when i cant. sometimes he follows me yelling and it is wretched and humiliating.

You are right. A healthy marriage is full of complaints, actually. The complaints are treated as an opportunity to adjust to make the marriage better for each other.

When Should You Tell Your Spouse "We Have a Problem"

Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce have a great marriage, and they have a conflict about once every hour!


EVEN IF YOUR COMPLAINT WAS A LOVE BUSTER, even if it was worded disrespectfully, love busters and retaliation should not be the response.


That is not going to happen until he takes this problem seriously.

I encourage you to read through all of those articles I linked. Those were the same articles my wife read.

i will listen to the link. hopefully my husband will too. thank you for your good advice when i really need it. i hope my husband can overcome his angry outbursts, too. i hate it. i want to be able to talk to him and trust him and love him. he makes it so hard sometimes. he tries to hurt me on purpose with his words.

Then you need to call the police and/or find some help. You might need help from family and/or church, and you might need to contact a women's shelter in your area.

I would make plans to do this now so that you will be ready with his next angry outburst.

i will reread them again. i am guessing this is in the "when to call it quits" section.

Do you have the book Love Busters? The chapter in it on angry outbursts is very helpful.

i have called the cops before. they say he has the right to yell in his own house? and say awful things? as long as he's not hurting anyone or threatening to hurt anyone. still, the act of having the cops come, did calm him down and have the effect of making him leave. and the cops didnt seem too upset about it. i just cannot take the pacing, yelling, disrespect! it is not physical violence- all though that has happened in our past. it is verbal, and emotional.
i am very glad to hear you say that normal marriages are full of complaints. they are a chance to change and improve. i try to be kind and respectful when i make requests. i know i am often sad when i dont get what i want. my husband says this means they are actually demands. that may be the case. but i want a fulfilling marriage and family life.

yep, we have the book. i have read it. looks like it is time to read it again. i wish he would, too!

but i am the one here

You also have the right to change the locks on your home. You may need to see a lawyer about filing for separation and getting a restraining order to get him out of the house. Women's shelters in your area can probably help you get some legal help that will help you figure out how to use the law to enforce this.

My wife also asked herself "What will I do if he won't leave?" and she was fully prepared to back this up and make it happen.


Right now the first obstacle to clear to make that happen is your husband's angry outbursts.

Please take the time now to go read through those articles.

ok. iam now. i will be interested to talk to your wife too. he 's gone now and i feel so much calmer. i dont want just continue to sweep it under the rug tho. i will tell my husband the next time he has and angry outburst and i try to walk away and you follow me yelling, i will call the cops. i do worry, of course, that this will make me look foolish to them. i hate to look into filing for a seperation especially when it comes down to him losing his temper suddenly. i mean, how can i have a seperation prepared ahead of time for that sort of occurence. i dont want to separate. but he does continue to lose his temper and justifies it...

i want to know how she prepared to back this up. you two are an inspiration to me. i have followed your situation for quite some time now. i wish me and my husband would work together as a team to make our marriage great- for us and our wonderful kids!