i think he got angry today to avoid dealing with my complaints, which i dropped at his first- sudden- sign of anger. youre right. until we can deal with his anger issues, we cannot even begin to touch so many other issues. i am losing hope. my husband doesnt take losing his temper seriously and my complaints are an annoyance to him.

mamansita, please take some time out from posting to go read Dr. Harley's articles:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
. Read Controlling Husband #1 & #2,
. Angry Outbursts #1 & #2,
. Domestic Violence #1, #2, #3,
. Abusive Marriage #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6

yes i have! i am a fast reader. i answer when i get a response.

I don't think you read all of the articles I posted yet:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
. Read Controlling Husband #1 & #2,
(That's two articles:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5043b_qa.html)
. Angry Outbursts #1 & #2,
(That's two articles:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006b_qa.html)
. Domestic Violence #1, #2, #3,
(That's three articles:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022c_qa.html)
. Abusive Marriage #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6
(That's six articles:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067c_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067d_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067e_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067f_qa.html)

Please take some time out and go read these.

i do believe i have. i have been going thru them. i have been here for awhile. i didnt just show up here today! thank you for all your suggestions! some of them i have read many times. there is some new stuff on abusive marriages and controlling husbands i hadnt seen. but otherwise, yes, i have read them and will continue to reread them! thanks!

most of these articles are pretty short letters! i can read very fast. its one of my pasttimes!

ANY angry outburst is dangerous, even if he has no history of ever physically harming you. When a person has an angry outburst, he is temporarily insane and could very easily do something insane. Spouses have been killed or maimed when their spouse has an angry outburst, even if there's been no history of violence. And there HAS been a history of physical violence in your marriage.

You need to take it seriously. And he needs to know that you take it seriously. If your husband is not open to learning to eliminate his anger, you need to get him out of the house. Don't let him come home until he has taken anger management AND he has proven that he has eliminated angry outbursts. Don't let your husband come home after a week like I did -- I don't believe Dr. Harley would recommend it. Your husband doesn't believe he's in the wrong at all at this point, or that his anger is his own responsibility, and he is not safe. Unlike your situation, Markos has a history of being able to control himself -- he was just beginning to let himself slip into old habits.

Markos had an angry outburst on June 13, then again on June 18. This was after having gone through anger management, and practicing Dr. Harley's methods for eliminating anger.

My anxiety went through the roof as I became terrified that this cycle would never really end. Tuesday morning, I started combing Dr. Harley's site for answers.

It was reading Dr. Harley's articles that gave me the courage to go ahead with what needed to be done. I was scared I was making a wrong move, and kind of felt like I needed permission of sorts to kick my husband out. Even if you've read all those articles that Markos posted, read them again. The answers are there.

Before I confronted him, I was prepared for a fight. I expected him to push back, and try to convince me he was sorry and safe. I had the number for a locksmith ready. I was ready to call friends and family and ask for help. I was even mentally prepared to file for separation. He was moving out whether he liked it or not.

I then texted him at work and asked him to move to a hotel. I was blessed in that he was more than willing to do whatever it took to win me back, including moving out. I packed his bags and he was gone.

The house was then a safe haven for me and the kids. Markos could come visit if and when I felt like it. We continued to meet for dates, and I always looked my best so he could see what he was risking giving up.

The only reason I let him come home after a week is because I knew he was already on board with MB, has already gone through anger management, and already knows how to practice Dr. Harley's relaxation techniques and has a documented history of controlling himself. He also agreed to get a biofeedback device, and agreed that if he had another AO in the next 6 months he'd be out of the house again. If it happens again, he won't be coming back home until he completes another round of anger management. If he had fought me at all, he would not be home right now.

You can get him out of the house. Don't think about all the whys of how it won't work, or how scared you are. Just do it. Wish I had done it a long time ago.

This article in particular was good, and would be good for your husband to read once he's gone:
How to overcome an abusive marriage, letter 2

Please listen to these radio clips and tell me what you think.
Radio clip
Radi clip on fighting

Is this your previous posting ID?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=159505&Number=2340665#Post2340665

Your then boyfriend had had 4 affairs by the time you came here in March 2010, and you were suffering from his verbal abuse. Why, then did you go on to marry him without this problem being sorted out?

And also, when did you marry him? Is this a legal marriage, legalised by a registrar?

If you are, indeed, not married, you definitely need to kick him out. You are not safe.

This is what her siggy says.

I see that now. Thank you, Brainy.

I would still like to know when and why you did this, mamasita.

You're welcome.

Yes please answer Sugar's question.

thank you prisca. your words ring true. i appreciate all of your responses. i do not have time to write now as i have kids to feed and care for, but i promise i will address all your questions in the morning. it is true we are legally married now and a lot of things have changed for the better but we are still battling the angry outbursts. my husband says he is "just expressing himself" he's home now already. he just left for the day to fix the car. he has agreed he has to change the way he reacts- overemotionally- angry i think and disrespectfully. hopefully he will get on board again. he did the last time i was here. he knows i have written here today. i need this to change, lots of things have changed, i want this to change too.

Will he post here?

please, he was my boyfriend, but it hurts to hear it. i feel i have been committed all along. he claimed to be too. and we conceived and raised these children all through their lives to this point always together. i think that should count for something. when i was in jury duty, they called him my "domestic partner". he was not just my boyfriend. he is my childrens father. i understand where you are coming from though. i married him- and stayed with him because he committed to certain changes. i really have to go now! bye for now,

i will ask him! i hope so! i think it would be very beneficial because he is interested in improving. we have to fix the way we relate to eachother so we can be good models for our kids. i am proud of him in alot of ways. he has stepped up in many ways!

Hi mama,
I think I've read the whole thread, but forgive me if I repeat anything someone else has offered.

A couple things jumped out at me when I caught the first few posts but I was at work and couldn't jump in until now.

The angry outburst issue is concerning to me as it is to other posters above:
70+% of all domestic abuse happens in a live-in (non-married) relationship. [I realize you are married now, however:

If your H is married, but has not become a "Buyer" (please read what you can regarding "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders"), then he is still likely approaching your relationship from a renter's mind-set. The many years you two lived together has likely set in for at least one of you.]

I'm sure you are familiar with Dr. Harley's view on living together prior to marriage. This is no need to jump ship, I'm just pointing it out (again) to reiterate the importance of taking it into consideration and gaining true perspective on your own situation. You have some inherent difficulties due to the nature of your path thusfar. Not insurmountable, but worth acknowledging.

You do not have to tolerate AO's. Dr. Harley has some great writing about the damage they cause to a family. If you can get your H to read them, it might be helpful. I all but eliminated AO's once I read Dr. Harley's material in lovebusters re: AO's.

optimism