Indie,

I suggest a week in order to give Al time to make recordings of her whiney-baby having his man-tantrums.

I want HIM to see himself in all his finery.
I want HIM to experience the love-bank ROBBERY of a really ugly AO.

Because that's what an AO is. It's robbery. It's a stick up. It's a gun pointed at your heart.

I do see the sense of that.

It will also give AI the sense she did all she could to show him, should she need to Plan B him. That's important because it kills any doubts in Plan B of how awesome your Plan A was. Sometimes you get a paranoid in Plan B of how well you did. That you did all you could.

It's just that I, personally, couldnt take a week of this abuse, after what she has endured already.

But, I am a hothead. And it helps to have a plan. It's also true that AI is way more rockin, more of a tower of strength of more of a warrior against waywardness than I could ever hope to be.

She humbles you.

oh ai, and here i was getting my hopes up about the passed poly. i am so sorry. alis and pep are right - the move is yours. your choices, your decision. don't settle for plan c. {{{ai}}}

Yes I agree. The passed poly is great. But recovery is a long long road and one that will require a very humble WS to accept his wrongdoings and be willing to work very hard to make just compensation for them.

I fail to see any aspect of 'humbleness' in your WH. Even after this passed poly he reeks of selfishness and entitlement.

Before making any rash decision Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

Many thanks again to each and every one of you. I can't tell you how much this support here means to me. It's really like a lifeline.

I'm beat. Today, really...I'm just about at my limit. You know those times when every single moment where you have to keep existing and moving forward feels like the last one you can stand?

I read TRT back the last half of his earlier angry outburst (which took place over text message after he 'walked away to calm down). He didn't even remember half of what he said. He really sounded nuts. Maybe he'll catch on to this whole AO concept now...

I'm so tired, and food tastes like ashes. Going to try and eat something and pray I can fall asleep. I need to think more clearly than this.

Sorry for the whiny post, everybody. Hopefully my brain will be working better by morning.

I'm recovering from surgery.
Food does taste like ashes.
Except for ice-cream.
I advise an IV of 31 Flavors.

Excellent advice from you as usual.
Ice cream sounds like a plan I can live with.

Hope your recovery is smooth and you feel great soon!

I'm having a lot of trouble today. The passed poly means I have the full truth, finally. It means we have a chance if he's willing to do the work. But it also means that now that I'm not bracing for the next bomb to drop, I have to process that whole truth.

The truth of the seriously messed up things that he did.

And the truth that he is an emotionally abusive, controlling man. It is deeply disturbing to be walking away from that poly and seeing, finally, the full scope of what he was willing to do to me psychologically so he could keep his secrets. The things he said. The outbursts he had. The manipulation he employed and the damage he inflicted on me. To keep back info that would have hurt WAY LESS than the mental atom-bombing. He might deserve some kind of an award for gaslighting. I'll never be able to forget what he was willing to do to me to keep his lies going.

Since March when his big PA (WAY more involved than he admitted until right before the poly!) began, I've been under attack. Hardcore air strikes left right and center, and I didn't even know we were at war until May.

If only I had found this place sooner. Or LISTENED TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I could have saved myself the second wave of bombing. And the third. And the fourth. And the...etc.

I'm having a hard time, and I know I'm rambling. TRT has been a model repentant wayward today. I appreciate how hard he's working, but honestly...it's mostly freaking me out right now. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How do I start to process the trauma of infidelity AND the psychological scars? What should my initial plan of action be to save myself AND this marriage?

I'm so tired.

When you are in the middle of the adultery ... it is truly a full on assault...that is why we call it a War. The Art of War is great for helping counter the attacks.

It is a character defect of his ... I would actually say he has to heal himself first and coincidentally it will heal your marriage.

He has to want this. It doesn't matter how much truth you have... does he want to live a truthful life this day forward?

This journey is his burden to carry, and this journey is your side of the fence also. Together you will both formulate a new path.

Trust but verify
Get all your answers and let the past die

live by PORH and POJA ... it is your small and narrow path.

Keep posting it will be by far your greatest accountability partner...at this stage your WH needs all the accountability he can get.

I love this song ... process it wisely.

I don't know how you or any BS starts to process the trauma...you will be on a rollercoaster for a long, long time...with or without marital recovery. One day at a time comes to mind...just having the strength to get out of bed after another Dday bomb seems like an accomplishment.

I recommend you allow yourself self care and not feel guilty about it...which is sometimes hard with young children. Do you have some nearby friends and family that can help you as needed? It does not sound like you have done much in the way of self care...you will need it and I would not count on TRT to solely provide it since he will be dealing with his own emotions and he is still not reliable (and it remains to be seen if that will be the case for a long time too).

Hugs to you Al.

Journal.
Write about the lesson(s) you learn everyday.
Write about what you feel grateful for, everyday.
Not a daily tome, but write something daily.
Because, after a few months you will actually be able to see your progress.
Your progress will be slow. By keeping a journal, you will appreciate the small milestones.
Recovery lacks the big flash*bang-shock & awe of discovery and exposure.
You may catch yourself trying to stir stuff up.
The quiet days also teach you something, if you pay attention.

Somedays, just breathing is an accomplishment.
Pamper yourself.
Eat ice cream.

PS - in your journal, you write about yourself and your progress. Lay off keeping score of all WH's missteps.
Your journal is for you to help yourself grow and heal.

oh , honey, don't beat yourself up. if you asked everyone how many truly believed their spouse would have an affair, no matter how suspicious, they wouldn't have believed it! but now you know. you are a BW, and you are in the right place for help for YOU.

BR is right - you need self-care, stat! i don't know how old your children are, and school's letting out. you need to schedule quality time with them for both your sakes, then farm them out (as we say here) so you get some AI time. and TRT can show some FC when he gets home so you get a little AI time every day. YOU need it, ai, you really do.

one day at a time, sister, one day at a time. sometimes it's one hour at a time, and sometimes it's one minute at a time! that's how we do it.

As always spot on. I agree.

Self care is VIP. Take care of you so you can be there for those little ones.

Oh we all wished we'd got here earlier or started listening earlier. Welcome to the club!

No matter how burned or broken people are when they get here, people with YOUR attitude are always able to turn things around.

Yes you have started processing. That's a good thing. One thing I have learned about the truth, is that its ok for it to break you. Really. It will feel like the truth is going to kick you in half at the moment, but you heal cleanly from the truth. Lies always heal crookedly but the pain of truth actually strengthens you.

When you grieve it, and it feels almost like you are being crushed - you will heal from it and strengthen. Its horrible but I wouldn't change it.

The gaslighting stuff is hard and impossible to forgive. Its what I would struggle with should recovery ever be an option. I wrote on your Hs thread that I was less concerned about the PA of the OW and my WH than I was about the mental torture I was put through.

You don't have to stay. Things will never be equal, the wrongs can never be paid off not even by the most repentant wayward and all the just compensation in the world.

But it may be worth being in a marriage that has been to hell and back and survived. A marriage that knows the pitfalls, how to avoid them and do so

It remains to be seen if that is on offer from WH.

But I know you'll do great no matter what.

Here is a book I have read over & over.
I find it to be very healing.
Gift from the Sea ... by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

And another quiet/mindful book
Simple Abundance ... by Sarah Ban Breathnach

Both probably readily available in your local library.

If you've forgotten what your own laughter sounds like, here ya go !

The Sweet Potato Queen's Book Of Love ... by Jill Conner Browne

I am a SPQ, which is why I am a Queen, which is why I own and give away and receive, and actually wear ( !!! ) so many tiaras. I have been to the SPQ Parade and have been befriended by HRH Jill.

All 3 books are easy reads.
All three books are uplifting.
None of the three books are official MB reading.
Which is why they are like a mini-holiday from your worries.

Travel lightly.

Al ~
Where are you?
Emotionally ~ Mentally ~ Physically ~ Spiritually?
You are being bathed in much prayer...
Please let us know how YOU are doing right now...
Hugs ~

AI,what did the polygraph tell you he was psychologically doing? What kinds of things are you referring to? I just need to read the words. I am numb. I can't even put into words how I feel anymore. I am sooooo sorry you have had to endure such pain and suffering at the hands of someone you love and trusted. No human being should treat another human being with such a lack of dignity and respect. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are coping well and finding yourself through all of this.

Sorry to have been incommunicado for so long, everyone. I've been reeling. Your posts have all meant so much to me, and I've read them over and over this past week while I've been incapable of really verbalizing my thoughts. The support here is amazing.

I was really angry after the polygraph. I think he expected me to be relieved, or grateful he finally told the truth. And I was...but the weight of being lied to and manipulated and trickle-truthed for seven weeks also came crashing down on me. I slipped into some lovebusting and crappy passive-aggressive behaviour for a couple of days. Things were going badly, and I finally had a clue. I realized I was doing exactly what had distressed me about his actions all along - making my behaviour conditional on HIS actions. I wasn't seeing what I wanted from him, so I was being a jerk.

I'm glad I caught that quickly. I'm fixing it. Let me tell you (although I guess you guys already know), it's HARD to be responsible for your own actions and not lash out when you're this hurt.

I never knew there could be this much hurt.

I'm rereading SAA and trying to figure out a plan. I'm struggling a lot and every moment of every day is hard.

Anyway, just wanted to give you guys an update. TRT is doing much better with AOs, but having a great deal of trouble changing the way he speaks to avoid DJs.

We're both struggling. Lonely. Sad. Hurting. This is a hard road. A LONG road, ad neither of us is by nature a patient person. I think we both sort of secretly expected it would be easier than it is. I don't know.

Thanks for the good wishes, Little. I see from your signature you're living the same sort of nightmare.

A polygraph can't tell you what someone is thinking or feeling. Our polygraph addressed the issue of whether he'd finally told the whole truth about his physical affairs. He lied about them for seven weeks.

While he was hiding the truth, he was willing to sink to all sorts of depths to keep his secrets. I understand the motivation to hide the truth to preserve yourself and avoid further pain for the other person, but the things he did and the way he manipulated me is one of the worst and most hurtful parts of this whole debacle.

He told me nobody would be willing to do a polygraph and I should be able to trust him if I wanted this to work out. He told me if anyone knew I made him do a polygraph, they would think I was crazy. He told me I WAS crazy. He told me I was holding back our recovery, and I should be moving past this. He tried to make me feel guilty. He verbally attacked me and started arguments to keep me confused and off balance and off track. He blamed me for our marital problems. He told me *I* wasn't following the MB plan and was messing up all of our chances. He trickled out bits of truth and more painful admissions, and after each one, he would tell me "That's it now - you know the whole truth. I'm clean. You know everything." I can't get the look on his face...the look of utter sincerity when he said that lie again and again...out of my head.

After 6 or so weeks, he let another BIG admission out, and I finally woke up. I couldn't believe he'd been lying and manipulating me SO LONG. I realized I couldn't believe a word he said because of that. And I finally grew a pair and drew a line. I told him I couldn't believe him anymore, and gave him a list of things I required to stay married and recover. The list is upthread somewhere. One of the conditions was passing a polygraph.

And he COUNTER-OFFERED. Seriously. He picked apart my requirements and acted insane. He continued to tell me I was crazy and if I required these things I would be destroying the future of our marriage. I told him he didn't HAVE to do any of them. He didn't HAVE to stay married. He had his choices to make, but I had made mine.

The few days leading up to the poly were insane. But with the support of the folks here I finally believed I wasn't crazy, and I held my line. I was VERY CALM, but sick inside. Two days prior, he let out one last bombshell he'd been holding onto...and stopped acting crazy.

He passed the poly. He's meeting my conditions. It is still brutally hard. I wish beyond anything else that I had drawn that line and stood up for myself from the start, before we had seven weeks of psychological torture to mend on top of the betrayal.

Little - draw your line. If you can learn anything from the mess TRT and I created, let that be it. Draw. Your. Line.

You are a person and you deserve respect. But you can't trust someone in the wayward fog to give it to you just because you deserve it. You have to take responsibility for what you're willing to tolerate, what you require, and never waver. Stand up. You can do it. Nobody should ever, ever have to live like this, and if I could go back in time I'd do it sooner.

I wish you all the best.