Have you read the book SAA?

The reason he had the affair is because of his poor boundaries around women.
It's his actions you must see. If he is showing you in his actions then measure that.

Yes early on we want them to experience our pain and that's very normal.

Read this.
Coping with Infidelity: Restoring the Marital Relationship

Dear Bikerwife:

To answer your question about me:

I have asked him the question (I want to know if something specific happened during his most recent affair) and he's told me no, it did not happen.

However, I don't believe him. It makes logical sense that this thing DID happen; it strains credulity to believe it did NOT happen.

If there was a specific reason that it did not happen, I might believe him; however, he has not given me a specific reason.

Unfortunately, I can't prove his assertion or my assumption. The only person I could ask would be the OW, which I don't want to do for obvious reasons: 1) I would be breaking NC, which has been in place for 4 years and 2) I already know she's a liar.

If my H has been lying to me, I will divorce him. Unfortunately, he has not been steadily employed in 4 years and if I divorce him, he would not have medical benefits. Also, I am not prepared to be divorced.

When he obtains steady employment (which will probably coincide with us obtaining a financial goal), I will ask him for a polygraph. If he confesses at that point, I will divorce him. The only thing that will keep me in the marriage is a passed polygraph. Until then, I'm prepared to wait. I've waited 30 years, another 1-2 really don't matter to me.

To answer your question regarding MB:

Dr. Harley recommends that once you have all the information you need regarding the affair, you don't bring it up again, to avoid "keeping it alive" inadvertently. I have also read on this board that if you are anxious regarding the affair (e.g., reacting to a trigger), that you simply tell your spouse that you are having a hard time (without being specific) and ask for what you need from your spouse. However, I don't have a citation for this particular piece of advice. I'm sure another poster will, though.


I should end this by saying we are NOT an example of a recovered marriage.

BV

Thanks BV and BH.

I think you're both right in that I have been keeping the A alive. I have been at fault of speaking too much of my triggers. I admit I do have a need to know that he continues to be remorseful every day. I'm going to try and let it go and focus on being happy TODAY. This last year has been very draining. I feel this whole year has been wasted, but hope that both my husband and I will have learned how to keep romantic love alive and how to affair proof our M.

Since you'll be coaching with Steve he will give both of you plans.
Are all your questions answered about the affair?
Are all hour questions answered

Brain Hurts,

How do I learn how to use those quotes so I can reference what I am writing about.

I have read SAA a few months ago, but will pull it out and reread it with fresh eyes.

Yes, both my husband and I have had poor boundaries with the opposite sex. I am in a profession that is dominated by men, but now I make a point that opposite sex friendships can only be with men that are a friend to both of us. My husband has been showing me with actions that he is walking on the MB path. Problem is he lied so much to me in the past that I dont trust

Brain Hurts,

I don't have a lot of SPECIFIC answers about the Affair. I'm not sure if I want to know all the details. It already hurts so much that he was planning on leaving me and making his life with her. If he hadn't found her in bed with someone else, he might have thrown me away. That's what lingers in my mind---that I was so disposable to him. He wanted both of us...He would have SF with me every night during our FR and then see OW often at lunch. I have a difficult time reconciling the man I married with the ALIEN that did this. Even though his actions demonstrate he's a different man today, during the A, things changed on a dime. I feel anxiety that he could slip again, but not because he's not doing the right thing---just that enough time hasn't passed (although I feel I'm stuck and not healing).

Use the brackets[ ]
Inside the brackets type quote= and put your reference
2) then put the body of your message.
3) use brackets again inside make sure you put /quote.

The easiest way to see it is hit quote at the bottom of each post and then look at the format.

Hope this helps.

See these buttons at the bottom of every post?

Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

Click "quote" and the quote will be formed, complete with the name of the person you are quoting.

Delete any parts you do not want to quote.

Write your message underneath.

Click "preview' to check that it looks the way you want it to.

Click "send".

Who told you this? Your husband? Waywards are known liars. Don't take his word for it. Find out for yourself.

Okay, I'm seeing a blog, here. Bikerwife, how can we help you? You're asking no questions, so we have nothing to answer.

Do you want to recover your marriage?

Marital Bliss,

The OW was introduced as a client to my husband when he had a repair shop. She is a past girlfriend of one of his good friends. This male friend is also a friend to me. He is the one that told me that OW's mother had passed away a few years ago.

I want to recover my marriage. There was never any Exposure to her Facebook friends or co-workers because I didn't know MB principles 8 months ago on Dday. During the last 2 months of the A, I had found his "secret affair" phone. The last time there was physical contact was in November. His actions have changed. We listen to MB radio together every day. We have gone thru 2 (3 day )"Infidelity Weekends" with a well known author in both December and a #2 workshop in April.

I have set up consultation appt with Steve Harley for July 6th. My reason for coming to the forum was to get help on how to let go thinking about the A.

And of course, since in the past, I've been lied to so much, I'm always looking over my shoulder.

Brain Hurts sent me those radio clips where Dr. H speaks on radio show about stopping talking about the A. I have listened to them and going to ask my husband to listen with me.

Do other BS continue to have anxiety almost 1 year after DDay when their husband is transparent and I continue to snoop and don't find anything.

Melody Lane said I need a plan and I've called Steve to help me.

Bikerwife, that is very normal. In fact, it usually peaks around this time. However, if there is no plan in place for the WS to make just compensation and recover the marriage, the resentment and pain lingers on and on.

What happens is that unless a great marriage replaces that wound created by the affair, the marriage limps along in a crippled state, always worse off than before the affair. The difference between Marriage Builders and other programs is that MB effectively creates romantic love in the marriages. This is a big part of recovery from an affair.

I would check out this article that addresses the concept of just compensation: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Dr. Harley mentions that a cause of lingering resentment can be that recovery is not complete. I'm not sure but perhaps that may be the same for anxiety.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Here is a thread with some radio clips with Dr Harley discussing what Markos posted: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2594724#Post2594724

Thank you both. I will listen to clips as soon as I get off work.

This morning my husband called at work to let me know one of his old clients that is also my patient had called him to get his advice on helping her with car questions. This never used to bother me before, but I told him that this woman considers him his friend and feels comfortable calling him on his cell. This morning she called and left a message on cell wanting advice. He called me immediately and asked him what did I want him to do. I thanked him for sharing and told him I would feel more comfortable if he returned her phone call when I'm at home sitting next to him.

Im a dentist in a male dominated profession working and speaking to many male colleagues. I feel hypocritical telling him to tell this woman client/friend to quit calling him, but is this a requirement for EP? It would be difficult if he told me I could not speak to male colleagues on the phone about dental related issues.

Too add another to Mel and markos's excellent advice.

More excellent radio clip on just compensation versus forgiveness. Dr. Harley talks about triggers and memories.

Radio clip on Just compensation at about the 5:30 mark
Segment #2

Please tell me what you think.

Tomorrow we are speaking to Steve Harley. It has been 2 years since D-Day.
Only 1.5 years since NC. 80% of the time we're doing great. Today he
leaves his credit card at the restaurant and out
Of nowhere he starts yelling about our 6:15am
appointment with Steve. Help me understand
why he doesn't have more empathy and
remorse.

How is everything Bikerwife?

Thank you for asking, Brainy.

My husband and I are recovering nicely. We carpool every day together and listen to MB Radio. Lots of times it is his idea. Funny how things change with time. Sometimes he'll make comments about the caller's WS and say he can't believe that they'd do something like that, (forgetting that he did the exact same thing!).

We spend more than 20 hours a week on UA and most days I forget to track him on the GPS as I have not caught him in any lies after our "false recovery".

I don't think I will ever forget that period of my life. I get comfort from reading MB forums every day. Thank you to all who post every day as following Dr. Harley's philosophy has changed my life and my marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and for those that are struggling with a cheating spouse, the best advise is not to cover for them. Get the support you need by exposing the WS not only to their family, but to the OP's family and facebook friends. It really does work.