1. Do not negotiate when he is angry
2. Do not put up with his attempts to control
3. Attempt to present him with a plan using FILSIL
4. Introduce POJA, and why it benefits him
5. Confront him about his angry outbursts, and insist that they stop
6. If he is unable to stop his angry outbursts, insist that he must seek professional help
7. Do not hesitate to call 911 when he has an Angry Outburst
8. If domestic violence has occurred, separate
9. If violence has occurred, file a criminal report for assault
10. If he is unwilling to control his anger, separate
11. Once he's out, keep him out. Change the locks and file a restraining order if necessary.
12. Tell your friends and family about his abuse
13. Understand that him agreeing to change is only the first step
14. Understand that being separated for a year is a real possibility.
15. Do not let him come home until he has taken anger management and has learned to control himself

Angry Outbursts is the most destructive of the five Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgments comes a close second. What is happening to your marriage is that your husband's anger, not his depression, is destroying your love for him, and with it goes any sexual desire you may have had. I'm sure you are doing your best to try to control your reactions, but your emotions will dominate you, as they should in your situation.

Abusive behavior usually begins when a couple tries to resolve a conflict the wrong way. Instead of finding a solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), an effort is made by one spouse to force a solution on the other. Resistance to the proposal is matched by increasing force until the spouse browbeats the other into submission. Every fight is an example of abuse because it uses the tactic of emotional or physical force to resolve a conflict instead of respect and thoughtfulness.

...

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters -- in fact, you probably do the opposite of what your spouse wants if he or she is demanding, disrespectful or angry. When you do what your spouse needs and wants, you do it out of care and consideration. But if your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

The attempt of one spouse to control another is a short-sighted solution to marital conflict that backfires every time.

Your husband probably loves you more than you can ever imagine. While it's true that his demanding and controlling tendencies are driving you nuts, he does it because he has no reason not to do it. It works for him, so why should he stop? Besides, he probably doesn't think he's at all controlling. He probably thinks he is protecting you.

You probably have put up with his controlling ways over the years because you felt that if you left him, you might not survive. So you have allowed all the love units to be drained from your Love Bank until there are none left. If you wait much longer, he'll be so far in the red that you'll hate the man.

I know you have tried to tell him how you feel in the past, and he doesn't seem to listen. But I suggest you do it one more time. This time go to him with a plan.

You mentioned that you gave him a self-help book once before, and his enthusiasm with the chapter on sex turned you off. Well, my book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, also emphasizes sex, but it's in the context of a host of other factors that come together to make sex very appealing. The book will help you learn to negotiate without being demanding or selfish. I show you how to make decisions without trying to control each other. It also shows you how to overcome Love Busters, such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. These destructive habits have just about ended your marriage, but if you can eliminate them now, you may be able to save it.

And, it also explains how time for undivided attention with affection and intimate conversation is a prerequisite for sexual fulfillment -- especially for women. By the time you have learned to negotiate with ease, have overcome Love Busters, and have created a romantic relationship, you won't need any help with sexual fulfillment.

You are making decisions
that don't take her feelings into account

This is far and away the most common reason that women feel they are being controlled by their husbands, and the most likely reason your wife is upset with you. I've offered two other possibilities to you, but this is the most likely candidate. Your wife probably isn't paranoid, and she probably doesn't expect to do anything she pleases without regard for your feelings.

Instead, she has probably spent years trying to adjust to doing things your way. Whenever she tells you how she feels, you may often treat her suggestions with contempt or you may ignore them altogether. She may have finally come to a point where she simply cannot live under your dictatorship one second longer, and her counselor has given her permission to express the depth of her resentment to you.

If that's the reason your wife feels you've controlled her, The Policy of Joint Agreement will solve your problem. You must promise her that from this day forward you will not even brush your teeth unless it meets with her enthusiastic agreement. Express your willingness to completely change your lifestyle together so that she can enjoy it with you. Make her an equal partner in your marriage so that she can live a life full of hope for the future.

I would look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. I will agree to do the same with you. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, even by the man I love."

It may take him a while to digest what you say, and he may leave in a huff. But once it sinks in, he will probably agree with you that at least some of the problem is his.

When you want to talk to your husband about something that's bothering you, he gets angry with you. It's a serious problem, indeed, because when you ask for his help, you're already feeling bad. But when his response to your appeal for help is anger, you're devastated.

Whatever the cause of his anger, I'm sure it has something to do with you being unhappy, and he feeling responsible for fixing it.

The solution is to tell him that whenever you are unhappy, you want him to help you, but the way he can help you the most is to avoid getting angry or frustrated. He may deny being angry, so you may have to call it "frustration."

In a sense, the solution is simple. But its implementation may be quite difficult if he has a serious problem controlling his temper. In that case, he should seek professional help.

Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given.

If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.

I believe that everyone who is ever hit by a spouse should file a criminal report for assault. They should also tell all their friends and family about it. Those who are able to control their tempers, control it pretty quickly when they are faced with incarceration and public scrutiny.

I'm sure you have a great deal of compassion toward your husband, and you probably still love him, but your love and compassion could get you killed or maimed if you're not careful. I suggest that you move to where you can be surrounded by your friends and family, for emotional support and protection. Moving may make your life even more chaotic at first, losing your job and moving your things at a time that you're pregnant, but in the end, your life will be much more peaceful and secure.

At first, your husband will be very angry with you, and may even file for divorce. While separated, there is even the risk that he may have an affair. But if your marriage has any hope of surviving, he won't divorce you and he won't have an affair. Instead, he will recognize the role he has played in your depression, and he will begin to take the steps that will make him the husband he should have been all along.

If he begs you not to leave him, and you give him another chance, remember that it will take months, if not years, for him to change his habits. He will need careful and persistent monitoring of his conduct, and you must anticipate his resistance to that, especially after you decide to stay. That's why I think a separation that may last a year or more is inevitable. Your husband has a lot to learn, and it will take time to learn it.

He has agreed to make changes in the past, but just agreeing to change is only the first step. Many of the changes he will need to make will take a great deal of effort and persistence. His goal should be providing you a home free of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. Until he can guarantee that safe environment for you, you should remain separated. That's because while he is learning new habits, he will make many mistakes. And you cannot afford to be confronted by the predictable mistakes he will make. Wait until he has mastered the lessons of treating you with thoughtfulness and respect before you let him back into the life of you and your girls.

Those of us who deal with physical abuse in marriage (beating a spouse) are faced with the reality that it doesn't start with bloodshed.ﾠ It usually starts in a much more benign form -- "rudeness, insensitivity and thoughtlessness," the terms you use in your letter to describe "minor grounds."ﾠ Almost everyone is tuned into the importance of avoiding the most violent forms of abuse, but by the time it escalates to physical beatings, the abuser is usually out of control.ﾠ Since I want to teach spouses how to protect each other from commonly accepted forms of abuse, I must help them see that abuse is an escalating process, not a final act.ﾠ If abuse is understood in that way, it can be overcome by stopping it as soon as it starts.

Fights represent a flawed attempt to solve a problem. They begin with a conflict between a husband and wife. Instead of negotiating for a fair resolution, one spouse tries to force a solution onto the other. Anger, disrespect and demands make the effort unsafe and unpleasant. Fights usually make the effort to solve the problem fail.