I understand the different types of lovebusters, but I have a question. What about an ongoing tendency to not talk about things that bother you, but instead you bring them up indirectly, like through sarcasm, withdrawing emotionally (cold shoulder) etc. I would use the term "passive-aggressive", but I don't see Dr. Harley using that term. Any idea where this type of LB would fit? And how does one address it since it is so slippery.

Excellent radio clip on this.
Radio clip on passive aggressive
Segment #2
Segment #3

Some more.

Tell me what you think.
Radio clip on passive aggressive
Segment #2

Dr. Harley talks about passive aggressiveness on the radio program fairly frequently. The Marriage Builders program, if followed in its entirety, will eliminate passive aggressiveness.

Sarcasm is a disrespectful judgment, plain and simple.

Agreeing to do something and not doing it (the typical hallmark of passive aggressiveness) is usually a failure to be open and honest.

Thanks, BrainHurts, now I don't have to go do the search I was about to do.

I heard passive aggressiveness mentioned in just the last couple of weeks.

You're welcome.

You're correct. It was talked about on the 06-11-12 and 05-28-12 shows.

It also falls under the category of Annoying Habits.

Withdrawing emotionally is not a lovebuster. Withdrawal is a person's natural instinct to protect themselves, usually from a lovebusting spouse. They may also withdraw because they feel neglected. But it's about self protection, not an attack.

I decided it might be best to go through and itemize the issues you mention and talk about how Marriage Builders addresses them.


Marriage Builders has the Policy of Radical Honesty: "Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future." (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_honesty.html)

So this means being honest about your emotions when something bothers you.

However, you can't demand honesty from your spouse. That would be a love buster. Even if your spouse slips up here, you can't respond with abuse (demands).

Dr. Harley also says it's important to establish an environment in which it is safe to be honest. i.e., your spouse should be honest even if you are disrespectful about the things revealed, but you should not be disrespectful, because it will surely motivate your spouse to NOT be honest!


Sarcasm is a disrespectful judgment and should be handled the way Marriage Builders handles DJs.


You can't demand that your spouse be present emotionally. Withdrawal is one of the three states of mind in marriage, and it is usually caused by Love Busters.


Same as for withdrawal.

Of course, if there is disrespect involved, then that's abuse.

Wonderingif, what's the current status of your marriage? Considering questions academically like this usually isn't as helpful as sticking to one thread and dealing with the issues in your marriage in context.

Are you together? Has he agreed to follow the Marriage Builders program? I tried to skim through some of your prior threads and could not tell for sure.

Yes we are together. I have been utilizing MB concepts from my side, which has helped us some. But he is not willing to utilize MB himself, at least not outright. I do see some changes in him since I've cleaned up my side of the street. But recently I guess I've felt that there's only going to be limited progress.

I don't post often because I know that people on here will tell me ultimately to separate and I've decided against that. Partly for religious reasons and because we have a large family and I don't think I can do that to everyone. So I just try to learn what I can, apply it, enjoy the changes that do happen, and try to find fulfillment in other ways. Not sure that's a great long-term strategy, but it's where I'm at right now. I know that is an unpopular way to go on this board, so I mostly just read and learn.

What about emailing Dr. Harley?
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

I've talked to them once before and dh even emailed Dr.Harley once. After that He just said he felt this program makes the man change the most like most marriage programs and he wasn't interested.

Dr. Harley does put a lot of emphasis on the husband's need to act first in meeting emotional needs and ending love busters. He also says more women than men employ POJA, because men are more likely to engage in independent behavior.

My H would have agreed with your H in the past. What he has discovered is this:

By first meeting my needs, I am more than willing to meet his. He has worked very hard to lose weight and look attractive to me (one of my top needs) and has made a practice of being affectionate throughout the day. In exchange, he can call me from work and suggest that we meet in bed with a glass of wine, and I'm all for it. Also, I'm happy to meet his need for RC. And on it goes.

The SF part has been a huge surprise to both of us. In the past, my H was very overweight and rarely affectionate, just when he wanted SF. I was, in turn, not interested in SF with him. So in time, we were making love maybe once a week. This was for years.

Now that we've been in the MB program and working hard to implement the plan, yes, he's worked hard, probably harder than I did, but the results have been fantastic and more than he and I ever dreamed. I never knew his desire for SF was so high. He just stopped asking, because I wasn't interested, because he didn't meet my needs. Now that he meets my needs, I'm willing to enjoy SF with him pretty much whenever he would like, anywhere from 2 - 5 times a week. It has amazed us both.

Putting an end to love busters and having a transparent lifestyle, lots of UA time, added to meeting the ENs makes it really terrific for both the husband and wife, so it's not like the need to change leads to nothing. It leads to a romantic and passionate marriage, which is what most married people want.

It's really great when it all starts working together, the way it's supposed to.

If your H could just see that the results are so worth the effort, he would understand what he is missing.

To add here is a radio clip of Dr. Harley explaining how we have to be like a good salesman.
Radio clip on be like a salesperson

I'm still working on selling it. One problem is I have a high drive for SF (maybe because over the years it was a way to get affection) so he feels his needs are being met already. He doesn't really seem to want to do RC with me much, as that need is met by golfing with his buddies. He has no interest in sharing that with me. We do go out on dates to dinner a lot more than we used to, so that's an improvement.

I don't think withholding SF is the right thing to do though. So not sure how to make him see that things will be better if he gets onboard. My only other option seems to be separation and I'm not planning on that.

Did you do this?
Recreational Enjoment Inventory

Also tell me what you think of these clips.
Here's some more clips. Please let us know what you think.
Radio clip on SF
Radio clip on too much or not enough SF
Segment #2

Some more excellent clips.

Radio clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

Or they may withdraw because they are in an affair with another.

Not all withdrawal is for the good of the marriage. Sometimes the withdrawal is because they are defending the affair, not the marriage.

I agree, it's usually about self-protection. But it may be protection against the consequences of their choices. I.E. if they withdraw, they will not feel as guilty about their affair. If they emotionally withdraw from their spouse, they can justify their affair, etc.

True, it is protection, but it's not because their spouse is love-busting them.

Yes we did the recreational inventory. He was reluctant but did it. There are some things we could try and I suggest them but he doesn't seem interested. Part of the problem too is that he works out of town during the week so time/energy is limited and golf always comes first. I know we shouldn't spent nights apart so I travel out there to see him mid-week when I can. Recently he said that has become hum-drum so I've backed off on that.

He just seems to be in withdrawal unless I'm throwing everything I have into this. Then he seems to come out of it some. I just can't keep up that pace by myself so I've started to find some new hobbies. Then he seems to go further into withdrawal. Oh well.