Mama, I read this earlier but couldn't post right away. I just wanted to point out a couple of observations.
Leaving the scene is a good approach for keeping a "conversation" safe (as you know from Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation. However, checking into a hotel is...well it's kinda like an extension of an AO, isn't it? Selfish Demand, perhaps. However, I don't believe it is right to "move out" so my point is that no, it shouldn't be you that "moves out" in my view. Neither should. Standing up for yourself doesn't include hurling back more DJ's and AO's though, as you have admitted, so that's something to work on for you.

The good news is that you have acknowledged "complaints" from each other. These are, Dr. Harley and Joyce's view, healthy for a marriage because how are you going to know how to make your spouse stay in love with you if they don't let you know what you are doing to remove that in-love feeling? You clearly have a lot of emotion attached to it however, so that has to be handled properly and patiently so that nobody is offended and hurt, but look at the statements as opportunities to make better LB deposits.

Maybe I'm saying nothing you don't already know, but that's a habit I have.

I do agree with Brainy above, though. He sounds a little quick to run out the door. Seems almost like he had something in mind. I hope he's home by now, or you have some way to monitor if he's with someone.

opt

Me too.
I think with his serial cheating and his 4 other affairs he had on you that you need to snoop. You can have a peace a mind if he isn't cheating.

Like all the excellent posters have said his anger is the priority to be taken care of.

Yes, he's punishing her, the very definition of an angry outburst.

Classic wayward, too. I'll bet anything he's got additional relationships.

Either way, tell him he can't come home until he gets his anger under control and agrees to a real marriage, i.e., a marriage of protection and care, for life.

The key thing to look for tomorrow is his attitude. Is it:

#1 "What do I have to do to come back home?"

or

#2 "What are you going to do to get me back?"

If his attitude even smells like number two, he needs to not come home until his attitude sounds like #1.

Change the locks ASAP.

no affairs. i'm a snooper. he works at home and we rarely spend much time apart. alot has changed over the years. i am quite sure this is not an affair again. i think this is the death throes of the angry outbursts. they have reduced but i want them eliminated. alot of things have changed since d-day and even in the 2 years since i posted. i can see the differences by reading it. but he does not control his temper. yesterday he talked alot about how he would and it involved walking away when ever we feel disrespected in any way and going to write it down. then, and this sis very important to me, we will bring it up later when we are both calmer. we just cannot communicate when we are angry. i admit i lost it too. i was screaming "i hate you" i just have no tolerance for lovebusters right now. i think maybe i am having no patience and need to reset. i cannot be responding with lovebusters of my own.
so he didnt leave yesterday and the kids all gave me talking to about this sight and the way you all told me yo leave. they hate this site. they dont want me here. they blame it for our fights. i know this isnt really the case and that this is attempt to make our relationship more equitable, but when they read this thread outloud- papa and the kids- they really didnt like what you all were saying. me being here is a lovebuster to them and they think this is making things worse and causing us to fight.
as for dredging up the old affair stuff, i think it is because it has not been really dealt with. we never got the anger issues under control. i think they are somewhat of an avoidance tactic.

i acyually told him i dont want to even know about the affairs anymore. i can't hold on to this forever. and i feel like i have years of fresh pain coming in trickle truths. we never could talk about it right because of the fights and now i have so much resentment and fear that i try to squash down. not working. i am getting stuck in my mind.
he is afraid to even look at or talk to other women now. and no social chatting or emails. i trust- thru checking- that he is not looking for trouble now but i do not trust that he has told me the truth about the past.will i ever trust him again. sometimes its hard to love him because of these feelings. i am in the red. and i lovebust. i think its me.
we are not talking much. we are both very weary and behind from the emotional trauma. i told him i would stop writing here now unless he wanted to. so i am gone for now unless he decides to join me in accordance with the wishes of my family. i feel a little lost. i have been counting on you guys for years, and i think you saved my sanity and maybe even my life when i came here with no support after d-day. thanks for helping us improve.

To add here is a radio clip of Dr. Harley explaining how we have to be like a good salesman.
Radio clip on be like a salesperson

Whoa,

mamasita, you should not leave your source of support as long as your husband is abusive. This is extremely dangerous for you.

Dr. Harley says that in cases of abuse or infidelity or addiction, you need support, and you don't need to subject that support to whether or not your husband is enthusiastic about it.

mamasita, you have described a very angry husband who is dangerous to you and your children, and it does not sound like he intends to do anything about it. This is only going to get worse.

Please go back and reread our advice and take it, for the sake of your children, your marriage, your husband, and you.

While I have just started reading on this forum I really don't think this is your answer.

Your husband has temporarily decided to try and be a "good boy" but you have to be prepared for his inevitable angry outbursts to come.

If you are lovebusting b/c of 1) his former affairs 2)his angry outbursts. You need to try and do what I'm planning on: totally clean up your side of the street.

I think you should seek advice on how to once and for all stop seeking or getting details on his former affairs. There seem to be lots of people here with experience in this.

Also I feel that you should NOT be taking advice from your children. They have NO IDEA what all this is really like or about and they just want it to stop. You should probably stop being so open about the advice you get here with your children at least.

I believe MB/Dr. Harley advocates never mentioning the affairs once they are in the past. It does not have a positive affect on the relationship and the focus should be on meeting EN's and eliminating LB's.
However, it sounds like there was never a real MB recovery including full disclosure and radical honesty enough to satisfy your need-to-know. If that point didn't get reached, I guess you have to decide if you know enough to move on.

I know all about non-MB recoveries mamansita. The path to recovery from adultery is narrow and strict and few have what it takes to manage it correctly the first time. However, I believe if there is motivation, multiple attempts can work.

opt

[if mama is indeed still checking in...]
Not to argue with you jJessica, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, but I think it's great that the family are participating in the MB forum together...to some extent. I believe in total honesty and I would be willing to share things said here definitely with my fiance, and to some extent with my kids if my situation was appropriate. However, I agree that MB principles do not call for a straw-poll vote on how to proceed in a marriage; the decision on how to conduct that relationship revolves around the choices of the two who are married to each other. PERIOD. I don't even know how old these kids are, but I have never heard Dr. Harley state that it's advisable to seek counsel from the children before making a decision on anything in the marriage. I think that also teaches a terrible lesson to kids, e.g. about boundaries.

I would be interested to know just what has been said on this thread that is so offensive. I would like to know how participating in an on-line discussion and trying to learn how to have a plan for one's marriage could be a "lovebuster" (IOW, what category of LB does that fall into? -- not IB because she mama is sharing it with them...).

I would also be interested to know if people advising against MB have a Better plan, or if the having a plan itself is ill-advised for some reason (in fairness: acknowledging that the lack of, or lack of adherance to, a plan has lead to the current circumstances at this juncture; and clearly those circumstances are not comfortable at least for some parties involved).

opt

i'm still here. he agreed alot of this information has been useful to us.

he was offeneded you wanted us to separate. and the kid were really upset by it

he compared it to talking to a friend who told him just to leave us. i am a very honest and open person- and especially with my kids. i want them to understand what is going on in their lives. i wish i could get my whole family to embrace marriagebuilders, cause i really believe in it.
i definitely do have some lovebusters of my own to clean up, but my husbands just seem so much scarier. he has agreed if he has an Ao again, he will leave. and he will allow me to walk away if i need to. i really want to stay here so i have a sounding board while we put a plan in action. i am glad he is being more reasonable about it. i really want him to read here. he has said many things recently that sound like things ive read here/ i am optimistic our relationship can improve even more than it has over the past couple of years. i am tired of trying so hard and trying to control our recovery though, so i really am ready to put it more in his hands and see if he will make the effort. i am tired of trying to fix it myself.

he said you guys are like an independant friend. but i do disagree because he is welcome to see anything i read here. so it is open to him, not private. also, you guys dont know me as a personal friend. in the past, he has gone and complained about me to his friends and family causing them to think alot of mean, and untrue things about me. he has agreed this is a detriment and if someone is talking negatively about our spouse, we should stand up for them and not allow our friends to disrespect them. in the end, i realized it was him who allowed this to happen and it was up to him to make them stop. he is the one who made a promise to care about me and protect me, not his friends or family. that was a revelation.
our family or origin problems, are all current. we do not have their support on our marriage, or even with raising our kids. they are not even there for us in emergencies- like when my daughter had life threatening surgery. and they live less than a half hour away- most of them.
as long as we pretended we had no problems, they would grudgingly come by our house- altho we are never invited to family events.
i guess this is another issue.
the affair one comes up cause with the third girl, we never exposed and now he is getting phonecalls from his new job from the same area codes hers came in on 5 years ago. it is a trigger. i dont even think my dh knows her REAL name though. she didnt want her husband to know. i would feel safer with more people on his affair partners side to expose to. my husband went thru hell after the affairs, it feels like they got off scott free. and i hate to think about their betrayed spouses oput their in the dark. the only one we had an exposure and no contactletter with was a promiscuous non-married woman. no one was shocked or seemed to really care. her friends thought she was cool for it. anyone who thinks like that, is defintely not anyone i want as a friend anyway. many of our friends gave the advice that i needed to get over it and trust him or it was over for us. ah, no. my husband had to earn back my trust with his actions. which he did admirably and our lifestyle has changed alot.
now we have to learn to treat eachother like friends again so we can fall in love. i admit i have lovebusters too and i want to fix them. i am tired of being angry at him.

So why don't you and your WH expose to the OW's BHs? They have a right to know.
Why don't you listen to these clips with your WH and hear for yourself what Dr. Harley says and you will see everyone is advising the same.
Radio clip on AO
Radio clip on AO2

Tell us what you think.

He needs to quit being a lazy jerk who blames everyone else for his problems; he needs to protect you from his anger.

Us offending him is nowhere near as offensive as the way he has abused his wife!

Are you reading, Papasita? Cry me a river, okay.

Poor big bad angry man. Offended. Got his feelings hurt because we called him out for being abusive.

well, i dont think disrespecting him is going to help. i think that is a lovebuster the way you are treating him. of course you dont love him, but i do. and so do my kids. please be respectful. you can still say the same thing. we are trying to teach him to be respectful. and me, too. but i can see that attacking him isnt something i can support. i wish he would read here and write here, but i dont think this is going to make him want to do it. i want him to support this site! please practice what you preach. we are looking up to you for advice when we come here. i know you are just people, too. and i do respect you and your concern and views.

Did you listen to the clips? With him? What did you think?