I'm not sure if I'm in the right place or not, but I am divorced as a result from my ex-husband's affair. We have been divorced for about a year and a half and we have tried at least 3 times since the separation to get back together, but each time we have tried to work on things he has always gone back to be with his gf (who is his former affair partner). It usually was a situation where I found out that they were still together or seeing each other and then there was an argument between us, and he always chose to be with her. The last time was the final straw for me, but now he wants to try again. I do not want to try again and I've told him that. I also told him I'm not in love with him anymore and that he's had plenty of chances, but he's not giving up and I don't really know what to say anymore. If I'm not in the right place (this is my first time)then let me know, but if anyone has any experience with this I would appreciate the insight. Thanks.

Welcome to MB.

If you want no contact with him you need to change all your contact information so he can't contact you.

Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? Plan B?

I'm not familiar with the Plan B.

We do have a child together so I don't want to change all of my contact info. Also, because I don't want him on my front doorstep if I'm not answering my phone.

My main problem is that I don't stand up to him very well, he doesn't respect my boundaries, and I don't want to hurt his feelings which ends up for me "sugar-coating" a lot of stuff.

Treeclimber, I would most definitely go into plan B and cut off all contact with him. That will be the best for your mental health which would be best for your child. It is clear he is a cake eater who likes having his needs met in 2 places.

Melody - thank you. I agree that is best. We have been in no-contact for a long time, but when he is having problems with his gf he always wants to discuss reconciliation. For me, it was a possibility for a long time. At this point, it's completely off the table. He is the definition of a cake eater - basking in the glow of two different types of love from two different women. My question is, what are the words I use when he brings it up to avoid any further discussion on the matter? Thanks so much for the advice.

Agree.

Here you go. What Are Plan A and Plan B

What are the words I use when he brings it up to avoid any further discussion on the matter?

Well, not knowing your base personality, it's tough to devise the precise schpiel to recite to xWH, but here are some you might want to consider:

Scientific
If you were the last male existing on the planet, I'd rather spend time watching old Three Stooges movies than spend any time with you.

Reference to Expert Advice
If I ever spent any more time or attention on you, Melody Lane will show up at my door with her shotgun, to reinforce my training at neutering morons with buckshot! So stop by sometime....

Philosophical
Everyone is entitled to make a mistake once. You were mine - ONCE!

Seriously, my friend, NO ONE can fix this lack of commitment FOR you BUT you. Plan B means setting up hard walls to prevent having anything to do with idiots (aka WSs). But all the barriers and all the hindrances will be for naught if you are not fully committed to them.

Hey! Don't forget my favorite! The next time he calls or stops by, record his pitch and send it via voicemail to his current GF.

I would send him a letter cutting off contact, telling him you are not interested in reconcilation. That way you don't have to tell him anything. I would send a very modified Plan B letter cutting off contact and telling him to contact a designated intermediary. And I would not make it the typical love letter.

Like Melodylane said Use this and modify it Plan B letter samples

TRANSLATION:

"As a conflict avoider, I will permit my adulterous ex-husband to walk all over my feelings and emotionally use and abuse me."

Sample:

Adulterous ex-husband,

I am writing this letter to inform you that as of today (date), we will no longer be in direct contact with each other.

This step has become necessary for me to protect myself from all the unwanted romantic overtures you continue to make towards me while living with your current girl-friend (name), your adultery partner.

You do not phone me. You do not email me. You do not message me. You are never again welcome to enter the sanctity of my home. Any violation of these requests will be documented, and necessary steps will be taken to enforce and protect my safety.

All necessary communications regarding any co-parenting issues will be handled by indirect communication via my chosen intermediary (name and contact info). If you send any non business related communication, there will be no response from my intermediary (name).

In the event of an actual child-related emergency (serious illness or injury), contact my (mother? father? sister? choose a close relative) and I will immediately respond.

Good-bye.
Treeclimber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Send a copy to OW.
Send copies to the IM, you family members, and your attorney.

Now, click on *** THIS LINK *** and read up on parallel parenting.

Any question?

You need to be prepared with a voice recording device and/or video recording device to document any violations of your Plan B letter.

Has your adulterous ex-husband sent you any romantic emails or texts?

Keep them.

Time to "play hard ball".

TC,

You have the best of the best giving you advice here. The people who are helping you have helped me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. Read what they have to say along with what is on this site.

Your Friend,

Fifteen years

TC, follow through with Pep's advice and you will be fine.

Do NOT let him emotionally abuse you anymore.

He knows you feel sorry for him, and he is using that.

I agree with the others. Stop putting yourself through this. Pep's letter is perfect for your situation.
Get that letter written and get out of his drama ASAP. Let us know how it goes.


~RQ

Sorry for the late response. Thanks so much, everyone, for the awesome advice. Pepperband, you are absolutely right with the conflict avoider quote you put out. I have allowed this person to emotionally use and abuse me and he knows how to strategically (sp?) "work" me and my feelings to his advantage. He has sent me romantic emails and texts and I have not forwarded them to his gf because I'm worried how that drama may effect me and my daughter. I have told him that I do not wish to speak to him, but that doesn't seem to be working very well. I will work on drafting a letter and may seek some additional advice on you for proof reading.

Thanks again!

Keep it short - 2-3 brief paragraphs.
Keep it factual and business-like in tone. No emotions.
Imagine seeing your Plan B letter being used in court. Make certain your point is clearly ~~~> "Leave me alone and stop bothering me.".