I went to Home Depot last time to buy all new deadbolts, so I guess I'll be doing that again! This was the day I moved all of his things and gave him the Plan B letter. It was a BUSY day, but I did it! I agree it will be much cheaper to buy all new locks again. Just sucks that I'm going to have to change them AGAIN!!! My mom thinks he will call a locksmith out for sure if I change them again. We have home security system as well, which is in his name. Can I just transfer it into my name only and change the security code as well?

Thanks for the tips! If I have any issues, I'll definitely ask you!
The only lock I had problems with the last time was the front door, but my dear neighbor came over to help me. My neighbors are going to be pissed if he comes back and starts causing problems!

Well, like Letty said above, how can he change the locks if he can't get inside to do so? The locksmith isn't going to break in to do it, and I'm quite sure your idiot WH isn't that stupid either.

Actually, I kind of hope he is in a way, as it will serve you VERY well in court.

But for your personal peace, I hope not. That's more important.

I think the ring-a-ding to your lawyer will do the trick. Once he relays your WH's intentions to his lawyer, I think you'll see a shift in the chest puffing mindset.

Took my mom to a Professional baseball game tonight with company seats, right on 3rd base line. We had a great time! I wanted to take my mom, because she has never sat in such awesome seats and of course i love her! There was a concert after, which we stated to listen to a few songs and now I'm having a glass of champagne!

I'm off work all next week for the 4th (annual company shut-down).

Regarding the locksmith. Couldn't he just tell the locksmith that he lost his key and show proof of ownership of the home and be able to get in? Once he's in, he could change the locks.

Has anybody else here had a WS threaten to move back in the home while separated/in divorce process?

Not many would do that, and I've never heard of it happening.

Its possible though I suppose. Security like house alarms and watchful neighbours will help though.

You just have to do the best you can.

Legally, my WH could break a window and get in.

I could call the police, but legally they don't have to do anything. Its his house.

I could round up a posse of relatives to come yell at him, but he doesn't have to listen.

My solicitor could send a strongly worded letter but he wouldn't have to read it.

But they are hurdles. And the hurdles have been enough to keep him out for a year.

Because he doesn't want to come into a house where he faces hassle and harrassment.

He wants me to give up and give in and become his divorce buddy. Or a cake bite.

And I won't do that. Not if it means living in a tent.

Oh yes, its very common.

I didn't ask WH for his key back (I had the locksmith on speed dial) but he made a point of saying he wasn't going to give it back. That it was 'his house too'.

Yes it is. But his home? Not any more.

I told him I didn't want to discuss it and I called the locksmith as soon as he was gone.

Before I went totally dark he tried a) saying I could live there and he would pay the bills still as he's so generous to b) Telling me to move in with my parents so he could 'live at home' to c) saying he wouldn't pay the bills anymore to d) saying he could live there with me too if I wasn't so unreasonable.

His word means nothing.

Since I've been dark I have no idea what he wants or intends to do, but if he darkens my door he will have a hell of a battle on his hands.

The main problem here Starfish is that a waywards 'threats' are just that and nothing more.

That's why Plan B is dark. So they can't affect you, or weaken you.

If you were doing this without MB you might make the mistake of believing him sincere.

Since you rely on him financially somewhat, letting him home might sound like something you 'have' to do.

He's just messing with your mind.

The facts haven't changed. If he shows up, call the cops and cause hell.

Thank you Indie for all of your responses and making me feel better about the situation. He already threatened twice to get a locksmith and that never happened, so this is probably another empty threat.

Waywards suck! They just suck.... Selfish little rat turds! Ok, I feel better now...

Off to church I go... I have a counseling appt right after the service with a church member.

You simply stay focused on
being clear and concise
logical and firm
kind but not sucked into drama

your boundaries must be upheld like walls around a sanctuary.

Any lawyer, police, etc who questions your locks.....you tell them that WH did not abide by the agreement for notification and you feel vulnerable and unsafe since he did not.

That you expected him to follow an agreement. He did not.

No love busting about WH to anyone either (disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, etc)

Just the facts about how it has put you on edge.

I spoke with the counselor today from our church and she has hope for our marriage. She and her husband were divorced for 3 years and she said God led him back to her. She has a testimony on YouTube through the church.

She is asking me to sit down with him and tell him that I want to give our marriage a chance.

I told her that I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions by family, friend's, co-workers, etc. everybody has an opinion in what is the right thing for me or us to do, so it's causing a lot of confusion for me.

Talked to my mom afterwards and she has such negativity in her voice and said a lot of ugly things. I explained to her that sometimes I just need to talk and not asking for advice.

Your Plan B letter was (and is) your telling him you want the marriage to have a chance. Sitting down to speak with him and breaking your Plan B would be just re-iteration and participation in the drama and waywards do not hear the message until they are ready to.

As reading said, you did this in your Plan B letter. Not to mention throughout Plan A.

It can happen over time. Dr H says two years, he advises divorce at the two year point because its rare to see recovery after that point.

But what is YOUR deadline? You don't have to give him the opportunity of one day if you don't want to.

Mine was six months. I've now extended it that he would get a hearing while he is still my H, until the D is final.

If I had children I would prob give it the full two years.

But I want a family and I can't really afford to spend up to five years in recovery without very good reason.

Its your call, Starfish. No one elses.

Your mum loves you. And you've all been too much exposed to his nonsense.

When you go dark, so will she.

I totally understand what you are feeling. I felt so torn by everyone's advice (family, MB, my IC) and it was hard to choose a path and stick with it. But you are the one who knows what is best for you and will ultimately have to live with it.

As for the Plan B letter, I had ultimately given my WH 2 of them! I kept thinking "doesn't he know that this isn't the way it has to be??" So I sent him another one. And he still didn't get it. So I left on his doorstep a photo album that I had put together with the kids that had pictures of me and him from over the years. I also had a message in there to him. I don't remember what it said but something to the effect that it was something to remember us by. God, was I silly and desperate.And I knew that this was my last shot. My last chance to get through to him because I was D-O-N-E. But after that is when his fog started to finally lift and I remember him asking me "Do you really think there is hope?" and I wrote "With all that I have done and written, how can you think there wasn't??"

I am not suggesting this or that you break your plan B. I'm just saying that whatever you do, you are the one who has to live with the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Follow your heart in whatever path you choose.

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

~RQ

Good gracious!

If your WH wants to make things right with you, he can. Why on earth would you go to him and beg him for another chance? NO WAY.

If it's meant to be, you can go on with your divorce (like this church lady did, right?) and if your wayward ever pulls himself together, he can come find you and win you back.

You've got enough on your plate without wondering if you should try and reconcile. And by the way, him wanting to move back to the house is not an attempt to be close to you or be nice to you, it's a vindictive move meant to torture you.

I love how he says in his note "get the guestroom ready." What are you? The maid?

Nodding emphatically along in agreement.

I love how church lady protected her mind and finances with a D - but somehow you don't deserve the same self care.



Haha! Waywards. They could make a cat laugh with their antics.

I agree with what you're saying about her own marriage, but she and her husband have helped many others save their marriages before divorce took place. I agree that I can still go through with divorce and be ok. I am stronger than I think and I will find love again. She wasn't asking or telling me to beg him for another chance. She simply wants to see where his mind and heart are at, so she can help me or us to move forward with recovery.

I think his threat about moving back in was empty... I don't believe he would consider doing that in our current situation. I wouldn't want to have 'War of The Roses' in my house... No thank you!!! It would be awful in our current situation and I won't live with him under these circumstances. Not happening!
I also agree with what your thoughts about his comment on getting the guest room ready... You took the words right out of my mouth! I said the same thing! I wouldn't even consider it, but if I was vengeful, then I'd definitely consider decorating it in the most tacky and annoying way possible! I'd much rather pick out my nail polish color...

Thank you for sharing your experience with me and for your kind words.

How are things working out for you both with recovery? What are you both doing?

You make me laugh Indie! .

I think the church lady knows how conflicted you feel about all of this. Of course you do! And it's natural to wonder if you've done everything you can and to wonder if somehow you can get the man you married back.

I get it that she didn't recommend begging but why do you have to take the initiative with this? Why can't you let HIM do some work here?

You've had a tough time doing a dark plan B and it has HURT you. This feels like another moment of wavering on your part. Why? Because it's just too awful to face the loss, perhaps? Because really seeing that the person you were madly in love with for so long is a practiced liar and cheat is horrifying? It is.

I totally get why you'd be vulnerable to this kind of advice, but really...your wayward has shown NO willingness to do anything here...so what's left to save?

I know it hurts. It's ok to be hurt.