Does church lady already know that you sent the letter and told him you would try again?

Maybe send her a link to Dr. Harley's Plan A and Plan B material and tell her this is what I'm doing thank you for your concern.

star, people mean right, they really do. but offering your H an(other) olive branch is a mistake at this point, unless what you're looking for is plan c. you are strong, you can do this! plan b all the way, baby. you'll thank yourself later. your WH knows the way home, and how to get there.

You described what I'm feeling so well... Wow! I'm feeling very conflicted.

They sell MB books in the church bookstore, but the counselor from church wasn't familiar with the principles. Maybe I should refer her to MB website so she can see what it's all about. She is following the bible and said if you have God in the center, then there's no room for evil/temptation. The pastor and another elder from the church are planning on speaking with WH next Sunday I was told. I'm not sure if they are still planning on asking him to leave or if they are wanting to see where his mind and heart are at first. The elder saw me after my session and said above all they want to protect me. Of course, they would like to see our marriage restored, but they need to speak with him too.

She doesn't know about the letter. I only had an hour with her and didn't have time to mention the PB letter.

Star, Kiss and I are doing real well. I wish he would catch up to me with his reading but we are doing pretty good. We did go to a wedding the other evening and we were discussing the ceremony and how it spoke of many of the marriagebuilder principles. It was nice how we both noticed that and kiss spoke of how he wish more of his recently married friends knew of them. I was proud of him
Thanks for asking

Oh, I'm glad things are going well! I wonder if the two of you could read together? My sister brought over a book to me the other day, 'The Four Agreements' by: Don Miguel Ruiz. She asked me to read a chapter out loud to her "Don't Make Assumptions" while we were drinking a refreshing iced coffee with caramel and cream... mmmm! Anyway, it really helped me a so much to read it outloud to her and then we both reflected and talked about it for awhile. I know that I'm at fault for making assumptions on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times per day, so this has helped me to calm my mind and not jump to conclusions without hard facts/evidence.

I also read a post tonight about "Being Still" on one of the threads here, which has helped me tremendously tonight. I know that I'll be ok no matter what... If my WH decides he wants to recommit to our marriage or even if he doesn't... I'll have NO REGETS! I gave my all and I can live with and be proud of my devotion, words, actions, etc. I deserve to have the same amount of love, respect, honesty and faithfulness as I am willing to give another. I can and will make it through this regardless of the outcome. I have given my ALL and can sleep at night knowing that I did everything I could. I realize I cannot change another person or their feelings for me. It's up to him to do the work, if it's what he wants. If not, then I have developed a wealth of information from this site to help my next relationship to become stronger with many key elements to a successful romantic relationship. It's sad that I didn't know about all of the principles sooner, but we never get married thinking this could ever happen to us! I'm thankful for the knowledge that I do have now and continuing to learn everyday!

That sounds like a good idea. I just don't want it to seem that I am lecturing him. I know that post that you are talking about. It's a great one! Glad to hear that you are doing you

~RQ

Got a phone call today from a fellow co-worker telling me that WH is going around telling everyone at work that we are separated/divorcing, because I have "mental issues". Seriously???

This is slander and defamation and I'm still on FMLA! I cannot believe that he is actually attacking my character! Yes, they always justify, blame shift, etc., but this is ridiculous!

I'm in Plan B, and have NO CLUE what my WH may or may not be saying about me.

Sorry that you have heard this, but I hope that you reiterated that you didn't want to hear ANYTHING about your WH.

Yes, I did, but this is just pathetic!

Should I contact my lawyer and H/R dept?

It takes time to train people in the 'I don't want to hear any news about the man who betrayed me' school. But people eventually get it. You sometimes have to jump in real quick when they bring up their name, sometimes there's nothing you can do.

When you say that, its clear to people you have been truly hurt, but are being graceful and dignified. That squelches anything they can be said about you.

People who spread things that are clearly false always make themselves look bad.

On my work mug, it says 'Trust me, I'm a reporter'. The way I hold on to trust is by not printing anything false. People think reporters do this all the time but the truth is it would damage my reputation beyond repair. Every newspaper knows this and the ones which don't end up losing readers or in inquiries.

Your H is playing a very dangerous game and his brain is too affair-fried to realise it.

Just let him roll on with his plans to ruin his reputation and keep disproving him by not getting involved.

I wouldn't. Its probably a desperate ploy for your attention.

Hearing what WH is saying, I would simply matter of factly tell people who tell me about it that
"Actually, we are separated and may divorce due to his cheating on me with (insert name of OW). I am handling the mess as best as I can thank you, it IS quite hurtful".

and would not look for further info about his lies.

Since you two work at the same employer, you ought to tell human resources about the estrangement due to the infidelity so they have a heads up if they don't. Matter of factly.

Your lawyer? Well, you can give them the info about what WH is saying but I wouldn't try to get a suit for defamation of character. I would just behave in a classy and sane way to show that you are a good and decent person.

Try to ignore his wayward posturing though. He is still trying to spin a version of reality to make himself appear like a good guy.

Star, are you really worried that anyone will be believe that nonsense.

What on earth are 'mental issues' anyway? He sounds very educated on the subject!

Anyone would only have to a)be around you/meet you or b) remember that he's being divorced for cheating to see through his paper thin story.

What if he told everyone he was divorcing you due to your fear of clowns/because you are secretly a drug dealing pimp...

Would you begin an investigation and disrupt your life for each claim?

This is what Plan B is for. Protection from craziness.

I agree with all of your comments and appreciate all of the advice. I understand WHY he is doing this and yes, his brain is obviously fried... lol! I understand the whole blame shifting, not wanting to face the truth and denial, but it still pisses me off! Breaking my heart wasn't enough for you...? And now to add insult to injury, you're going to twist the knife and make the story self-serving. "Poor me... She was crazy and psycho, so I had no other choice but to cheat on her! I forgot my name, that I was married, trying for a family... I forgot that I had a beautiful, caring wife and a great life! She was mental, so this caused me to find my pants dropped down around my ankles in a storage closet of a hotel with some random woman that I didn't know. It's all her fault for trying, praying, researching and doing everything possible for us to have a baby and start our own family. She is the reason that I committed adultery... I had no other choice!"

LOL!

LOL Indie! You always know how to make me laugh!
Nobody will believe this stupid bs... at least the people that really know me.

Star, I tend to agree with everyone, best to ignore. I know its not easy thinking others believe the fogbabble or think ill of you. This is something I struggled with, my integrity and reputation is something I value. For my own healing I have had to let this go and accept that this is something I have no control over. I can only control my own behaviour and hopefully that will speak for itself.

Star, I second not responding to the nonsense.

I think reading's post is brilliant for how to handle this:
WH's seem particularly good at trying to make the BW look nuts while they are the poor victim of a crazed scorned woman. Ignoring it shows to others you are anything but.

Now, give us an update on what you have beeen up to? How are you star?

I haven't gone to H/R and don't plan on it, unless things get really bad! I did contact my attorney just to let her know and she said she would send a cease and desist letter out.

I'm just tired of being walked on by him! After work today, I decided to do some walking of my own and went for a LONG walk over to my mom's house with my dogs. My dogs and I were both hot and tired by time we made it over there, so my mom drove us all back home! lol... It was a great walk though... I needed it and my dogs did too!

The pastor from the church texted me and I guess they are going to "talk" to him this week.

I finally finished all of my paperwork for my attorney that I've been dreading! It's all becoming so real and I cried a little at my desk today while working. I don't want a divorce at all! I didn't want any of this and my heart is still shattered to smithereens! Tears are pouring down my face as I type this... I hate him so much for what he has done! I hate him for being so damn selfish, cruel and and an empty shell. I hate him for not taking his marriage vows seriously and while we were trying to start a family, he was getting attention and God only knows what on the side from at least 2 other women that I know about. I hate him and this whore of a woman that we work with for openly staying at each other's houses since he's been out of the house. I hate his behavior and the pain he has caused to me, our families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, pets, etc. So, why is it that I still love him? Why do I care? Why shouldn't I just say *f* him and be happy about divorcing him and moving on with my life?

I sit here in "our" house alone... night after night. I hate going to sleep at night by myself. I miss having him next to me. I now put body pillows on either side of me and have my dogs snuggled up with me too, but it's not the same! I miss so many things... I could go on and on... We have/had so many things in common and enjoyed doing so many of the same activities together. I miss boating, I miss sunsets, I miss walks on the beach, finding shells, candlelit dinners at home or dinner on the town. I miss walking our dogs to the park, riding our bikes, taking baths, swimming in the pool, showers, massages, sports games, fun with friends, entertaining/cooking together, snorkeling, scuba diving, scalloping, taking our dogs with us on vacation or just getting away for a weekend get-away (just the two of us). I miss our intimacy. I miss kissing him, I miss him holding me, I miss making love. I miss his smile and the way he smelled. I miss his cooking and how he always liked to make me special meals. I miss hearing him call me by my nicknames. I miss my best friend!!!

Sorry... I really needed to get that out! I could keep going on and on... Just having a rough day/night. Oh, here come the tears and pain... Why? Why? Why?