So now that you have an IM all set up. Do you have your Plan B letter ready?

Hello,
PBL currently looks like this:

-------
Dear WW,
I'm sorry for my contribution to a situation in which you have decided that adultery was and
is justified. I've had many sleepless nights thinking long & hard about this distressing
situation, and have decided that since you want to remove DSS12 from my care, you had best
do so without delay - so as to not prolong his distress, my pain, and the general uncertainty.

You will know that I would have come to this conclusion only after lots of soul-searching.
This is a very far cry from how you and I started, with me being head-over-heels about you.
It is a far cry from [DSS12's nickname] and I dancing in the cinema aisles in Sydney, and
from my snatching him up just inches from the road as he ran out from a Camden market.

It is a far cry from my sharing your pain and anguish at DD7's delivery, and our marvelling
as she bloomed from pink to blue to brown to the facsimile of us that she is. We go to NYC
for St. Valentine's and [DSS12], danger-magnet that he is, almost gets crushed by a massive
stalactite! Not to be outdone, DD7 leaps into the deep end of the swimming pool at
[holiday place], and has to be fished out, crying, sputtering, and laughing all at once.

In between we take in Croatia, Spain, Bosnia, Venice... and Wales. And through it all, [DSS12]
gets more into his soccer, and [DD7] into her performing-arts. DD7 excels at school, and
DSS12 reveals himself a sensitive & perceptive thinker.

Parenting is painful joy. I love nothing more than being a family. Nothing.

But we cannot be a family like this.

I am unspeakably hurt by your adulterous affair, but all you seem to have seen is my (often)
suppressed anger. I am still willing to try to recover our relationship and family because of
the love we have shared in the past. However, I am not willing to do try recovery until your
adulterous affair and adulterous ways are over for good. When you arrive at that stage,
please let [NG, newly-identified IM] know, and s/he will pass the news on to me.

The pain is too great to be in contact with you while your adulterous affair is continuing and
because of that, I need to protect myself.

I love you. We chose each other. And vowed to love, support and nurture one another.
Till death do us part. And neither of us is dead.
------- ends

Unbelievably busy by day, unbelievably LOW and insomniac by night (so I end up working half the night)...

If you've ever seen a nude picture of your wife with another man, and had her correct you that it was a self-portrait and not one taken in a mirror, you might have felt what I am feeling. Especially when you've been told repeatedly "Why would I want another man in my life? Who wants the trouble?!" and told, just before Exposure "Why do you think I'm seeing someone else? You tick every box for me. I don't need to be seeing another man..."

Thanks very, very much for pointers and feedback.

Hmmm.. I was reading Justthe3ofus' Need Help with Plan B thread, and am struck at the similarity of his situation to mine -- complete with his WW Skype-ing all night (mine was on Facebook all night, whenever she was home), with WW moving out, with him looking after the children, and with good relationship with MIL, etc. (There are differences, of course: esp. MIL abroad, DSS+DD as opposed to 2x DD, etc.) J3 was coached to return to Plan A -- which I never tried consciously (i.e. as a known MB concept: I thought I did try it unwittingly, but my attempts have been described here as "passive" and "complacent"). I want to draw on the collective wisdom here: from experience, how realistic a prospect is Plan A from my current start point? (As you can see, I'm in the throes of Plan B - with the draft PBL above.) Thanks...

Can you follow this template?
Plan B letter samples

Thanks, @BH. My draft is based on another PBL that I saw, but I do want to make it more concise and precise, and can see elements that I can use from the list to which you pointed me.

Is Plan A (done remotely, a la Justthe3ofus) worthwhile for a set, limited time - so I can satisfy myself I tried everything - or not, from your view?

Well Dr. Harley says men can Plan A from 6 months up to 2 years. We've had some BH be able to and some who couldn't. Have you read SAA? John and Sue? He Plan A'd for about 18 months and Sue moved out and moved in with OM. Sue only came back to John after her OM dumped her due to her depression. John was in Plan B by this time. They are still married to this day in a recovered marriage.

Listen to these and tell me what you think.
Please listen to these excellent radio clips of a BH and WW living apart and what Dr. Harely advises him to do.
Radio Clip on a BH Plan Aing his WW from afar
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thanks again, @BH. The Plan A clips are thought-provoking - but not totally unexpected, given Justthe3ofus' experiences and account. It makes things complicated that WW is planning on taking DSS12 - over whom she insists I have no parental rights - out of his good school here, to live with her and POSOM. This upsets everyone except WW: DD7 is upset because she doesn't "want to be the only child"; DSS12 is at this stage conflicted in all three directions: WW, BD and me/SD, but is resigned to inevitability of moving with WW; and I am fighting with determination against the upset and its source.

In one way, I think this situation lends itself to a seamless-ish transition from Plan A to Plan B, if such a transition is needed. In the interests of honestly trying, I am willing to go for Plan A for 2-3 months. I've said privately that I was guilty of three out of six love-busters -- and believe WW to have been guilty of all six. A period of Plan A will give me a chance to fill the love bank, excise the love busters, and set about meeting an emotional need or three -- but does one need the WS's acquiescence to Plan A, or is it unilateral?

The good doctor says something about "no expectations": that might be hard for me...

Rough week. Work mental: 14hr days. DSS12 misbehaving. I'm seemingly coping on the outside, in turmoil inside. Two friends suggest therapy. Tried to start remote Plan A, but rebuffed by WW - who now this weekend now has DSS12 with her in London, at OM's. Last straw for me. Very, very low. Need help with short PBL-plus-addendum that preserves DD7 with me.

Help, please!

Sorry for your pain. Do you have DD7 with you? Can you go do something fun?
I think your above letter is good add this.
How about this?

Thanks, @BH. WW already moved out, immediately after Exposure: then and there I gave her the option of staying home and ending affair, and she opted for affair (but tried to stay, until cops arrived to "keep the peace").

Had a lovely dinner out with DD7 last night: beautiful. Just as well, as due to a horrible mix-up/argument with WW earlier in the day, DD7 and I arrived too late at her school f�te for her to perform as part of the choir! Upset for DD7, frustration for me (WW insists she never changed her mind about not taking DD7 to fete, as she had hairdressing appointment, so I nixed my attendance at housebuilders/renovation show), only WW gets what she wants: an easy ride - hence my anger and last-straw comment.

WW is insistent she is taking DSS12 to live with her. I have limited legal basis on which to fight her on this: under English Law, as a non-adoptive step-dad I don't have Parental Responsibility for DSS12 (how primitive is that?!). I've considered applying for a Residence Order for both DSS12 and DD7. But WW would contest that, and in such a stark situation, it is easy to envisage DSS12 falling in with his biological parent. In a nightmare scenario, if court or mediator then asks DD7 if she wants to live with mum & brother on the one hand or with dad alone on the other, what do you think a 7yo's answer would be?!

Hence my needing an approach/PBL/addendum that protects DD7 even if it can't protect DSS12. (There are only four weeks left in the school year, after which WW is looking to pull DSS12 from local school that he's enjoying so much.)

Overall, need help untangling these threads without unravelling myself. Thanks in advance, anyone & everyone.

On your addendum for DD7 what exactly are you looking for? Permanent custody?

Yes, "permanent custody". But in English Law, the notion of "custody" went out decades ago - and instead we have things like Residence Orders which "decide who the child is to live with", and Contact Orders, which "require the person with whom a child lives to allow that child to visit, stay or have contact with a person named in the order".

I'm taking advice on the Orders (from cafcass.gov.uk and parentsupportlink.org.uk) tomorrow Monday. My brain hurts already.

I know, my friend and it will probably hurt for awhile.

So then just write "DD7 will be with me in her home" and get that Plan B letter sent and close the door. Protect your DD7.

You've seen a lawyer yet? Get them to write it that you're going for full or permanent custody. She's with her OM you need to protect yourself.

(Chest tight, now. Doctor's in the morning, too.)

Yes please make sure you do this. This is very serious and please don't take it lightly.

Thanks again. Speaking to lawyer Tuesday, after Monday discussions with CAFCASS and PSL, per above.

Re-drafted PBL in light of rebuffed Plan A, and DSS12 disclosures since last time. Addendum needs strenthening in dissuading WW from contesting DD7 arrangement.

========
PBL v2:
Dear WW,
I am sorry for my contribution to a situation in which you have decided adultery was
justified. I should have been more conscious and sensitive to how I was not meeting your
emotional needs. But as you are continuing your affair, I have had to ask you last month to
leave the home, and a month later am now formalising our separation and ending all direct
contact.

This is a far cry from how we started, head-over-heels. It is a far cry from DSS12 and I
dancing in the cinema aisles in Sydney, and from my snatching him from certain harm as he
raced from a Camden market onto a busy road. It is just as far a cry from my sharing with
you the anguish of DD7's delivery, and from our marvelling at her blossoming since. We go
to NYC for St. Valentine's and DSS12, danger-magnet that he is, almost gets crushed by a
massive stalactite! Not to be outdone, DD7 leaps into the deep end of the swimming pool at
[holiday place], and has to be fished out, crying, sputtering, and laughing all at once.
In between we take in Croatia, Spain, Bosnia, Venice... and Wales. And through it all,
DSS12 gets more into his soccer and athletics, and DD7 into her performing-arts. DD7 excels
at school, and DSS12 reveals himself a sensitive & perceptive thinker. They both can be a
pain sometimes of course, but that is children for you. Parenting is painful joy.

I love nothing more than being a family. Nothing. So, in the service of keeping ours
together, I've tolerated your two-night, three-night and even five-night absences, starting
in 2006, with me being left alone with our young children. Out of love, I've forgiven you
for gambling away debt-repayment funds that I sent you, knifing me in the arm, smashing a
glazed picture against my face, grabbing and hitting me in the genitals, and spitting in my
face. It is true I hit you back once, but that was only after three years in which I grew
to realise you wouldn't stop such physical and accompanying verbal abuse unless I stopped
you. It is also true I tripped you over on the driveway, but again that was to stop you as
you threw at me the contents of the car trunk. In hindsight, I have accepted I should have
continued to respond exclusively with love and patience - appealing, as I did (though
in vain), that we work together on improving our relationship - and not retaliated in kind.

You date your justification for your adultery back to my retaliation against your physical
abuse. You have indeed extended your calumny not just to your friends, but also to my best
friends. And yet, through the pain and out of love for you and DSS12 and DD7, still I hope
for reconciliation.

The first step to any reconciliation is cessation of your adulterous affair and contact
with your adulterous partner. The second step is the removal of blind spots around all our
missteps. And the third step would be a shared and absolute commitment to a joint recovery
plan that simultaneously honours our children and does away with all addictions and abuses.

Until you decide that our families and children are worth more than your dalliance with the
"low-life" that you once so condemned, I will have no direct contact with you - except in
case of a real emergency. I am unspeakably hurt at your adultery, and our contacts since my
discovery have done nothing to dilute the hurt. I will stay at home and continue to be the
primary parent - as I have done though your absences. Any contact will now be through [IM],
who is an experienced intermediary. I ask that you respect this.

--------
Addendum:
I am aware that you are intent on withdrawing DSS12 from [school] and taking him to live
with you. I think this to be against any consideration of DSS12's best interests, and of
my paternal relationship with him over 10 of his 12 years. But as you insist on removing
him from school and from home however, I have decided that you had best do so without any
further delay whatsoever. This is so as not to prolong DSS12's stress and DD7's and my
distress.

In the same vein, I have decided that you have had enough time to pack and collect your
belongings.

Therefore I have packed the rest of your belongings and stowed them at the front of the
house, for you to collect on [Friday]. I have also arranged for DSS12 to be with [neighbour]
from after school on [Friday]. That way, you can have DSS12 with you over the next weekend,
and make arrangements for his attending school as you see appropriate.

DD7 will remain with me at her home.

Hereafter, I am prepared to meet you on Saturday mornings and evenings, so that we can effect
each parent having both children together on alternate Saturdays. That is, one one Saturday
morning, I will deposit DD7 with you, and she and DSS12 will spend the entire day with you,
and I will return to pick up DD7 in the late afternoon/early evening. On the following
Saturday, I will meet you to pick up DSS12, and he and DD7 will spend the entire day with me,
after which I will meet you on the same Saturday late afternoon/early evening for you to pick
up DSS12.

I ask that you respect this also, and cooperate to make it successful, pain-free and stress-free.

========

I have no mailing address to which to send the PBL.

Email instead?

And cc: the Exposure audience (including OM)?

As irony would have it, guess when I met WW? 11 July 2002. Building up to a heck of a 10th anniversary..!

Yes, Surviving An Affair says to send a copy of the letter to the affair partner

I read your letter.
I think you mention too much stuff.
I think you should copy the letter from Surviving an Affair and use that