I say I'm "new" here, but not really. I was on this board board 4 years ago with discovery of my now Ex-husbands affair. I stayed in the marriage another 14 months after discovery. We did almost everything recommended on this site along with counseling, both as a couple and as individuals. Looking back now, my pain was paralysing, few words to discribe that pain. I can remember typing things on this board with tears falling on the keys. The details that ended the marriage are not so important now, as I have moved on, rather trying to anyway. Its all a long journey - rebuilding your life. I am still not married, my ex is (but not to the woman whom he had year long affair with) but someone he met and married two months after divorce. Whats hard now? Raising kids ALONE. Paying Bills ALONE. Taking care of the house and the car ALONE. I have to be honest, I sometimes resent the fact that I have the kids 95% of the time and don't get a lot of free time. He lives out of the state so visitation is slim to none. He gets the freedom to live his life while I don't have the time or money to really date. I AM GREATFUL I have the kids, this is where they feel secure and AT HOME. I remember trying to be so strong when I finally decided to FILE. I really just didn't realize that although the source of the pain is no longer here (my ex) the pain and memories and hurt still remains. Does anyone else feel like this? Or will it just take more time to heal?

Hi welcome back and sorry for your continued pain.

Do you remember your old posting name so we can look up your story?

Are you in Plan B with your WXH or do you still have contact with him?

I just read several other posts and see what I am doing wrong - and I will stop it right now. I still have contact with him. He STILL wants to be in my life. He doesnt WANT me to move on. I didn't know there was a Plan B AFTER the decision to divorce. I thought the whole plan B was while trying to "work on the saving the marriage" - WOW YES, he still calls and texts and wants to know what is going on. Honestly, since mY parents hated one another after divorce while I was growing up and were so ugly to one another, I was trying NOT to do that by being polite to my ex. But I think what has happened now is he is taking advantage of that. He has taken "nice" for being weak. I will write out my "story" in another reply.

Brain: Ex was having affair with woman 12 years younger and also married at his job. Her husband called to expose him to me. In YOUR plan, we could never heal unless he left addiction, the OW and that job. He never would, he continued to work with her while I lived in torture everyday. I had to run into her at his job, the community, our kids played ball together, and she lived 2 streets over. he never would "talk" about it, he would get mad when I didn't want to have sex with him (during recovery) and would say things like "This happened because you couldn't take care of your man" ugly, ugly mean hurtful things to JUSTIFY what he had done. He went to counseling 4 times and quit, I went every week never missed. He wanted it all just to go away and we live happily ever after. He finally quit the job and we moved out of state, there was then so much stress on marriage, our last arguement he choked me, me and the kids moved BACK to our hometown and I filed for divorce. Later I find out he NEVER DID stop seeing the OW, during the so called recovery. he makes ALOT of money. I make about a fifth of whate he makes. He always had the power, the voice and did exactly what he wanted to do. I filed for divorce, it was final June 2010.

Unfortunately, you did not take STEP ONE: for your husband to never have contact again with the OW. Recovery is impossible unless that happens. That is why your marriage never recovered. As Harley says, you can't go onto the next step unless you do Step ONE.

When a wayward spouse refuses to end contact with the OW, Dr Harley recommends going into Plan B within 4 weeks.

In your case, I would call divorce the definition of success and I applaud you for getting out. Glad you got out!

p.s. marriage counseling is typically useless. They have an 84% failure rate and a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

I agree with Mel. No wonder you're still in so much pain you had to endure his abuse the whole time and continue to do so.

Please for your healing please go into a dark Plan B where you end all contact with him. There are some of us that stay in Plan B even after we are divorced. Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to be taken out of the WS abuse and to protect them from the drama. It isn't designed to "save the marriage". I'm not sure where you received that information 4 years ago. Please read this. What are Plan A and Plan B

Get an IM and have all communication through them. This will help you heal. If you stay in contact with him and let him to continue to cake eat with you, then you will never heal and will remain "stuck".

Do you have the IM information?
Also this is another excellent resource to do when their are children involved.
Paralllel Parenting

Thank you both so very much. I sure needed thi Is information and needed it now. I will begin my plab B right now, tonight. Yes, I misunderstood what Plan B was back then. I am stuck, and about to get unstuck : ) thank you again. Let me ad too that he is now miserable with his new wife and is seperated currently. You are right cake eating. I didnt realize that so many of the same things apply after divorce as when in the marriage and dealing with affair. He made his choices and now he has to live with them. My two kids are teenagers and can do visitation contact with him. Thank you again. I will keep you posted.

So happy for you, my friend. Yes please, keep us updated and I know you will find peace in Plan B. The darker the Plan B the better. I would change your number and all contact information so he has no way to get a hold of you except through your IM. Your kids are old enough that you shouldn't even have to talk to him ever again.

Please come here for any direction or concerns.

Fab,

That's a really common misconception about Plan B, and I'm glad you posted about it, so maybe some other posters can take notice.

Plan B is actually not a plan to bring a wayward spouse back (although it does sometimes have that effect), it is a plan to save the betrayed spouse's sanity, as well as their emotional health, and physical health. Dealing with an active wayward long term can result in severe emotional and physical trauma, even including such effects as post traumatic stress disorder and a compromised immune system, especially in the case of women. For this reason, Dr. Harley's current recommendation is for women to get into Plan B after no more than three or four weeks of Plan A.

So we often tell a betrayed spouse "Plan B is for you" to try to get all of this across. And the same Plan B that saves sanity at the end of a disintegrating marriage also saves sanity after that marriage when the wayward or abuser who destroyed the marriage is still on the loose.

My stepmother was severely physically abused by her first husband, and I'm convinced in retrospect that one of the reasons she and her children did as well as she did was that they all had almost no contact at all with her ex husband, for decades. She never heard of marriage builders, but she knew full well she needed to steer clear of the man who tried to destroy her life.

My father likewise never heard of Marriage Builders, but after my mother went wayward, he pretty much never saw or spoke to her again, and is much the better for it. (I did the same.)

I'm convinced one reason my dad and stepmother's marriage turned out better than a lot of stepfamily marriages is that neither of the former spouses were in the picture AT ALL.


You can let go of hatred, etc., and still never see or talk to him again. In fact, it's easier.

Thank you, this is wonderful, useful information. I came back here because I was having a yardsale and had a box of books I had put away, every "surviving and affair" book out there was in this box. But I do remember it was the Harley books that helped me the most. The books triggered memories and I also printed out some "tough love" pages that MELODYLANE posted for me : ) She said what I needed to hear back then. Looking back, we never went into Step one because my ex as I said made a 6figure income and he and other people would tell me, I couldnt ask him to leave that job, I WASNT IN REALITY, if I thought we could survive without his income, there was no way he could leave that job. Back then I wanted HIM TO WANT TO LEAVE that job and THAT woman for our marriage and he never would. Awesome to look at how far I have come. I am proud of myself. I blocked his number this morning from my phone so he can't call or text. I explained to my two teenagers that they could handle all business with dad from now on, they understood, they are great kids by the way, emotionally healthy. You are all right, its now time for me to protect myself from his drama and continued behavior. Thank You again.

I would strongly urge you to get a new number because he could call you from another number and then you'll be hurting again.

Also what about your email and other contact? Facebook and such?

Yes that Melodylane knows MB extremely well.

Brain: I have him blocked from fb, blocked from my email and will seriously consider changing my phone number. In all honesty, after the "honeymoon" phase of his current marriage ended and he was faced with raising three kids that were not his, he wanted to come back home, ITS WAS TO LATE, not to mention he's still married. He would call crying to me of how sorry he was and how bad he messed up, and he was now in a situation he couldnt get out of. He played on my sympathy - and as strange as it is, I felt sorry for him. But now I see its HIS choices that continue to screw up his life, HIS choices that keep the drama going and I see its STILL abuse to ME. Ive got to release myself once and for all, and I am. Im taking your advise and moving strong and hard towards healing.

Never look back and wonder. You did nothing to deserve this.
You did not cause this.
You WILL have a wonderful life 100% free from him.

THRIVE and BE WELL

FF - what was your previous posting name?

Previous Posting name 3-4 years ago was Luvthesouth.

Thank you, and I already feel somewhat relieved and stronger. I think sometimes, single mothers have to stay strong for so long, that sometimes we get tired and let our guard down. But I have to remind myself that I can't do that. Bottom line is he is a serial cheater and will never change. I may be broke the majority of the time (haha) but I'm better off without him. I'm so glad I logged on here again.

Thanks, FF. I was interested because I realised that you and I must have signed up at roughly the same time. I knew I must have read your story because I read everything posted on every forum that year.

It sounds like you've had a horrible time dealing with the aftermath of the affair and I am sorry to hear it.

I read that the original OW divorced her H for your H, and then he would not go to her. My H's OW left her H (although she did not divorce) and waited for my H. She had two older teenaged kids.

It does seem that OW, as opposed to OM, can be fanatical in their "love" for a married man to the point of destruction of anyone and everyone around them. It's truly appalling.

Sugar Cane - Yes I agree. The destruction is unreal and far reaching. Touches every single part of your life, home, work, church, jobs, community, kids, kids school, kids ball teams, neighbors, extended family, friends, finances, emotional well being, your self esteem, the list goes one and on. She divorced her husband for mine then after mine came from fog, he said he was embarrassed to death that he had been so stupid. He said there was no way in hell he would ever marry her. He said she would just "jump up and down" at everything he did and said every day at work. He said that attention he got from her was "every mans dream" she worshiped the ground he walked on. she was willing to have sex anytime anywhere and didnt care who knew about it. Then raved about how great it was. We all know that after 17 years of marriage it's not likely I'm getting that excited anymore. He said she was un attractive, no class and physically didnt hold a candle to me. Well, then I turned it around on him and said "SO THIS IS WHAT YOU DESTOYED YOUR FAMILY FOR???? THIS IS WHAT YOU HURT YOUR KIDS AND FAMILY FOR???? THIS IS WHAT YOU RUINED YOUR CAREER AND REPUTATION FOR?? Using YOUR words an unattractive, no class, trailor trash, no morals door mat who was willing to destroy TWO familys just to give you attention?????? WOW, well that makes me fell better. The whole thing makes no sense. But I have learned so much, I understand the importance of emotional needs and the most important emotional needs being meet. I get it. But what I came to realize after learning he had cheated several times over the 17 year marriage was that he's a man whom NO ONE WOMAN can EVER meet his emotional needs. He's a serial cheater, and is remarried today and STILL cheating, even attempting to try to cheat with ME. So, did I do the right thing YES, YES, YES.