On Monday 4 June 2012 my husband of 20 years arrived home from just over two weeks overseas on a business trip. He arrived home 24 hour late, as he had said that he lost his passport. The following evening he told me that he had a one night stand with a girl that he met in a bar. I was devastated and confused. I thought the worst thing that could every happen to me would be that he died. 5 days later when I quizzed him more about it he confessed that he had actually met her the previous week at a conference he attended. They met and flirted at the conference, then met up again on business in another city. The business started with drinks follwed by more drinking at a restuarant after which he was invited to crash at her place on the couch, along with another guy. They shared a drunken good night kiss.

As far as I am concerned all of that is forgivable, had he only told me!!

The next morning he asked her "What are we doing?" A couple of days of business stuff then she invited him out for dinner. He accepted. During the day before he went out for dinner with her he and I were emailling plesantly about what he could buy in the way of gifts for me and our kids. After work he went shopping for us, then had dinner with her, then went to a bar, then got in a taxi with her, stopped somewhere to buy condoms and then back to his hotel room. The next day after a big client meeting they talked on the phone and she convinced him to go meet her for a drink, then he was convinced that he should stay the extra day, apparently the missing passport lie was her idea. A night and next morning of loads more sex followed, all while her children were being cared for by the nanny!! He then got on the plane and came home.

Between the first version that he told me and the second he spoke to her at least twice, and texted numerous times. He told me that he had told her he wanted no contact with her, but she continued to text him, apparently he told her no contact by text. Then she texted that she needed a closure conversation, and they spoke at least 3 more times, once I listened into the conversation. He told her he wanted his marriage to work, and he couldn't have any more contact with her, but to be honest for me I don't think this has been strong enough from him. She last texted him on Friday, often song lyrics along the lines of need you, want you waiting for you.

He had so many opportunities to say no to her, but I feel that he said yes to everything that she suggested, and I'm pretty sure that she is waiting for him and expects to see him again.

I can't stand the weakness that this shows. He did say that he is weak and a liar, and now I'm seeing him for what he really is and what he had always been capable of. So he is feeling totally pathetic and unlovable, and I don't feel like I'm in any position to help him. He says he has nothing to give, but he is prepared to pick up the pieces of our marriage but he says, why would I want that? It's just a nightmare, feeling so doomed.

I'm starting to feel that I don't like/love him any more, and I'm super super sad about that. Our marriage counsellor said that at some point I need to decide what I want for our future, but I still feel its too soon, and I feel like I can't think about him or our marriage, I just need to focus on me. I just feel so sick and sad, I think I want drugs because I just want to block everything out.

Please help, any and all advice greatly appreciated.

Hi sounfair. I'm sorry that you have to be here, but welcome to marriage builders.

I'm sure more vets will come along shortly, but the few things I can say is that you cannot trust anything in the story so far. You said it yourself, he is a liar and so at this point you can't be sure if this whole story is true, if there are other adultery or affairs going on, etc. Just because he confessed doesn't mean that this is the story.

Also, you said you are seeing a marriage counselor. It is my opinion and experience that they are good for only a very few things: a safe place for conversations, a way to clarify what each of you are thinking. They are otherwise absolutely worthless as far as giving you advice, and that's what this forum will do; give you advice based on thousands of other spouses in situations like you.

Welcome again. If you get confused by the acronyms that start popping up, go to the main forum page under 'Notable Posts' and look at the acronyms. It may also help to read 'For Newly Betrayed Spouses'

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that's brought you here.

Is this OW married?

Who has his affair been exposed to? He needs to write a NC letter read and approved by you and you send.

Read this? Thread to help newly betrayed Posters

Your M can recover if you follow Dr. Harley's plans for recovery.
Your first step is to expose this.
Please read Exposure 101 your most powerful weapon

I also don't want to bog you down right now but traveling jobs are a breading ground for affairs and this will need to be addressed.

Read what Dr. Halrey says about traveling jobs.
Traveling Jobs

Also you're in Plan A and so please read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Welcome, sounfair, and I'm sorry to hear about these events.

You won't know right now whether you want to recover your marriage. You will know after a few weeks or months, if your H does everything that Dr Harley advises in order to end this affair immediately and compensate you for what he has put you through.

For the affair to end, your H must never travel again without you. If he can leave that job immediately he should. My H did that by going to work next day after my ultimatum and simply refusing to travel. He told them that his marriage was in crisis. His employers rearranged all his meetings so that other people covered them.

If he needs to make another trip - and why would he absolutely have to? - you must go with him. Get carers for the children and do not leave his side. Meanwhile, he must arrange with his employers for the next visit to be his last.

He must send OW a NC letter as advised by BrainHurts.

You must find out her identity and expose the affair to her spouse and adult kids. Don't warn your H that you are going to do this.

Only if your H accepts complete NC and no travelling, and rebuilding the marriage using the Marriage Builders programme, should you consider recovery. If he doesn't agree, humbly, to everything you ask, kick him out. You have been in Plan A since early June so he has had enough time to end his affair and recommit to you.

Are you in Europe? I'm in London.

Hi sounfair, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Most marriages do not recover from affairs because they do not follow the necessary steps to protect the marriage from a repeat affair, nor do they have a plan to restore the love in the marriage. Marriage Builders does have a plan that really does work.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving such marriages and here is what he says:

here

In your case, the "condition" that led to the affair was his traveling job. In order to recover your marriage, that condition needs to be corrected. As the others have told you, traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. But you have discovered this the hard way.

We can help you with a plan to save your marriage. I would caution you about seeing a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and are actually destructive to marriages. [they have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal rate than the general population] Your MC, for example, has no plan to save your marriage other than to tell you to drop it. That will not help the situation, it will make it worse.

Like the others said, he needs to stop traveling [or you go with him] and the affair needs to be exposed wide and far. Is the OW married? If so, her husband and family members need to be informed. All of your family members should be informed, especially your children. Since this affair took place on the job, I would expose to his employer. Exposure is your most powerful weapon against the affair and it is a game changer. Please take the time to read the thread in my signature.

Hi Sounfair, I am sorry for the pain you have been enduring with this.

We all understand.

What do know about OWs identity? You need to expose her, but do not warn him you are planning this.

You also need to insist he tells his employer today that all travelling is done with.

That's a must. He won't break his addiction to her if he can have her meet him on the next trip.

More advice soon, but take those steps first and come back for a plan.

1) Get OWs identity
2) Insist no more travel
3) Read the Exposure link in Melody Lanes signature
4) Come back for help with exposure.

There is very likely more to all of this than he has told you. Be prepared for that. He's clearly still lying about the extent of his affair and/or other affairs.

Be prepared for anything.

Sitting in an office listening to a liar blame you and an enabler help him, isn't going to work.

Spend the money on a nice dinner for the two of you or get a pedicure instead. You are competing with a fantasy woman and need to look your best and be fun to be around.

Counselling does zero towards that goal and instead equips him with reasons and excuses 'I tried' etc..

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your help. I'm trying to read everything and take it in.

A new development. H had told me that he chose me, he wanted our marriage to work, I'm the one, I've won etc. He seemed very remorseful, and he told me on Saturday that he knows he's a liar and weak and pathetic and he was losing hope and has nothing left to give. I know that he feels totally worthless and pathetic, and that makes me sad too, but in my current state of hurt and grieving I don't feel I can be the one to make him feel better about himself. We spent a bit of time apart yesterday attending to children's sporting commitments, at one point when we were together I suggested he phone his father, thinking that if anyone was really on his side and could help him his father could. Later we both spoke to a friend who told him that he needs to decide what he wants to do. Still later, he was obviously troubled I asked him what was going on and asked that he be totally honest. He said that my behaviour towards him had made him lose hope in our recovery and that had put thoughts of the OW back in his head that he had decided that tomorrow (today) he would phone the OW and see where that went.

So now he feels that he needs to choose between the 2 of us, so of course I'm feeling super threatened and vulnerable, having to compete with fantasy woman.

To answer questions.

The OW is not married, she is a single mum with 2 boys. While she does live overseas she has money and opportunity to be dangerous.

Exposure: he has told his parents and a number of friends, I have told a number of friends and my work, and we told our pastor. I have not told my parents because when I was thinking we could get though it I thought that dealing with their reaction would be a separate issue that I would have to deal with.

NC. He said that he made this clear, but as I said I didn't think it was very strong. I don't believe they've spoken in nearly 2 weeks, but he still this morning received 2 texts from her, which were song lyrics.

SugarCare, the affair happened in London. I'm down under.

Now I'm feeling so scared!! Please help, tell me what to do!!

Many thanks!

Here's the deal with no Contact.
He needs to commit to write a No Contact letter , sign it and mail it.
My wife swore that she "ended contact" but REFUSED to sign the marriage a builders No Contact Letter!
This adulteress is texting him song lyrics? Block her number. Better yet change his number.

Obviously you shouldn't have sex with him until he is tested for AIDS and other STDs.

People in affairs don't think rationally. They act stupid.
And they lie about the affair (look at Bill Clinton. He lied on national television).
You can't believe anything he says.
Do you have his email passwords?
Facebook passwords?

I'm sorry. You asked what to do;

Read Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley. Available in bookstore or amazon

That is the first step.

You need to expose this on the OW's side. Read the exposure thread that has been linked to you and do a facebook exposure on her side.

Your WH needs to write a NC letter (also in the exposure thread) and you read it and approve it and send it off.
Have you told your children?

IS he going to stop traveling?

H told me he phoned OW today, he said he did not make any commitment to her, he said he is panicking and so confused. I told him that he needs to talk to me about that. He said he's going to need a lot of time to think. I had said this morning that he will probably leave me on my birthday which is just under 3 weeks away, he reminded me of that. I told him he can have as much time as he likes.

How can you get a WH to write a NC? I have suggested this and he said that he verbally told her NC but I thought it was a bit soft. And of course he contacted her today :-(

How do I expose on her side? I don't know anything about her family, except she has a bunch of sisters. I can't find her on facebook - common name. I do have her company website and could get a phone number. She has 2 sons under 12 years old.

He has never travelled much for work, I don't know if he is going to stop.

We have not told our children.

H does not facebook much, she is not his friend. I don't have access to his work email, but he has shown me his phone. Who knows what he has deleted.

He can't and shouldn't feel better about himself until he has healed his marriage and cleared up his mess. Feeling bad after doing bad things is natural and right.

Plus if he REALLY felt bad he would be doing a lot more to heal YOU instead of whimpering over his own well deserved pain.

Do not allow him to have any pity parties. Demand he clear up his mess if he wants to feel better.

Say: "I am sorry your affair is causing you so much distress. If you do not end it, it will cause more."



He is not much of a prize! This is the over inflated ego of a man with two women at its very height. He is an unremorseful cheater, who was stuipid enough to go to bed with a skank. Merely 'choosing' his WIFE isnt good enough and does not mean that she 'wins' much of anything. He must prove himself worthy.

Give him conditions.



His plan is to keep you both danging and feeling that you are both about to 'win' him. But then he'll blame you, the faithful spouse, for something ludicrous, such as having the temerity to be hurt by the adultery.



Follow the plans exactly. They will keep your options open and hold him to a higher standard of behaviour. He may not raise to the bar you set, but he either does or he will cheat on you forever.

1) Read the exposure thread. Plan to expose to OWs FB friends and anyone else who may be effective.
2) Insist on an NC letter to her from your husband and that he changes phone numbers and contact details.
3) Give him the MB conditions of recovery. Tell him they are not negotiable: "This is waht it will take to keep me in the marriage".
4) Look amazing and hold your head up high. If he gets any more texts from her/communicates with her, tell him to leave the house as you will not allow him to continue his A under your roof. Cancel the phone if you have to.

Why are you allowing adultery to be committed under your roof? Why have you given permission for him to cheat on you?

Is this what you are willing to settle for?

Dr. Harley says to do Plan A for 3 weeks for BW and if they will not end their affair to go to Plan B. HAve you read about Plan A and Plan B? What are Plan A and Plan B?

You're in Plan A so please read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Have you checked intelius.com or pipl? Trying to Figure out Identity

Have you checked to see if she is on linkidin? This is like facebook for professionals.
Your first priority is to kill this affair and then worry about him writing a NC letter, but him not wanting to is a huge red flag. He hasn't cut off contact with her.

He is in the fog right now and so that's why you need to expose this affair. How do you know that the OW has a bunch of sisters? Can you find them on facebook?

Need to be Mrs. James Bond and find out the identity of this OW so you can blow up this affair.

It's time to pull on your big girl pants and insist your marriage vows are kept.

He's addicted to the ego boost of having two women - and the added ego boost of having a wife so desperate for him that she even OK's it.

If you are so scared of being left that you allow this adulterous relationship to run unchecked, you will have a very unhappy time ahead.

MB Conditions

1. End all contact with OW for life. This involves writing a no contact letter approved and sent by me
2. No more nights apart, no travelling or going out without each other.
3. Complete transparency - cell phone, email, facebook, passwords, etc. You give me access to everything.
4. No more opposite sex friendships
5. Complete honesty about you affair<s> &#150; I will ask you take a polygraph test to see if you have had any other affairs.
6. Commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

He will in particular freak out about the polygraph because he is hiding a lot from you. A man doesnt plan to leave his family for the fling he described to you.

Remain cool and CALM. Say "This is what it will take to keep me in the marriage". Be firm - but no lovebusting.

If he does not agree to this stuff, there is no marriage to save.

Check this out after you've read up on exposure and Plan A.

This is NOT your fault. You are being lied to a man enjoying his affair addiction.

Never Take the Word of a Wayward

sounfair,

Thank you for telling me where you are. I do hope you can find time to read all your responses, and also to post more regularly. You have been asked a lot of questions that we do not yet have answer to, and now I am going to ask you a few more.

How did this affair happen to take place in London? If your H does not travel often, how did he come to be there? Was this a one off? Will he ever be there again?

Where does OW live?

How did she come to be in London? Was she travelling too?

Does she travel to other places as well? In other words, will she be able to meet your H in Oz even if he stops travelling?

Is the affair connected to their work? Is she a client or colleague of some sort? If so, you should expose to both their employers. In fact, you should expose to his employer anyway that they conducted this affair during company time and he is probably using their email system to send improper communications.