My wife had an affair. I got here in February. Married 20 years, together 24 years, no kids. No previous affairs, separations, or major problems in the marriage. I knew within just a few minutes from meeting her that she might be the one--I loved everything about her, and still do except for the decisions she has made over the past 18 months. I am sure she loved me as well--and I thought we had a good marriage, although I knew it was not great as I had started to come to realize I worked to much over the past few years. After reading 5 of Dr. Harley's books and everything on this site, I can see both of us had a mistaken view of marriage. My view of marriage was the husband was the principal decision maker, and that the wife was an almost (but not entirely) equal partner. I worked to much, and made the basic decision on how our life would be such as investments, my career, amount of work, etc. My major complaint was lack of Affection and SF (once or twice a month was what she decided was enough). The last few years with the economy difficult, I made the mistake of working even more, and I knew we were less happy, but I thought it was the economy, not the marriage. My wife did complain and even asked to go to counseling a few years before the affair. I made a huge mistake by ignoring this complaint. My response was to explain how I was going to sell one or two investments and have more time and less work, and I thought that was the source of the problem.

The day my wife set up a Facebook account set into motion this tragedy. She immediately started playing the games and friended people from the "good ole days". She friended a high school friend that she had not seen or talked to for 25 years who lives in CA. We live in the East. After a few months, the calls increased to a point I mentioned the calls were not in the normal range. By the way she responsed, and did not hide his calls, I doubt she had any thoughts of an affair with him at that time. Several weeks later, the EA was on by December, 2010. In 5-11, She come up with a reason to fly to CA to spend 5 days in a motel room having sex with a man she had not seen in 25 years. Over the course of a few weeks following that trip, she acted mad, and moved into the spare bedroom. I would try to talk to her from time to time during the next 3 months, and assured her I was trying to sell a couple rental properties and our life would not be as difficult as I knew she was unhappy with our work load and investments. I would get various wayward talk from time to time. I thought I was working on our problems--our work and financial load.

D-Day, 9-11. During an Affair trip, POSOM's wife called with proof of the PA. I had no clue but was crushed beyond what I can describe. I immediately confronted her by telephone, and she confirmed the affair. She left the POSOM immediately. POSOM called her a few days later, and she told him she wanted to see if anything was left with her marriage. and NC was maintained for about 3 months.

I knew I did not want to live without her, but I also knew she had to have a strong attachment to do what she had done. I went into Plan A immediately, even though, at that time, I did not know about Plan A or MB. I never had much anger, I never called her a name. The hurt was so crushing that I just cried for most of the next month, and I did ask how and why numerous times, and of course there was nor will there ever be a good answer. Any specific affair questions other than general dates, she refused to answer, or she gave evasive answers. I blamed myself for not being a good enough husband plus the regret of not figuring out the affair before it went physical. She comforted me during the first several weeks after D-day greatly. I required pills to sleep, and lost all of my appetite. I lost 35 pounds in 30 days.

NC broke around Christmas, 2011, but I caught it and cofronted her. NC since then. Found MB in 2/12, and have continued Plan A. Get 20+ hours UA. Sure as one can be NC is in place. Wife is still not responsive, and will not read MB materials and says the affair has little to do with how she feels. I think I know the answer, and thats keep Plan A as long as I can. Any other advice is appreciated.

Hey Destroyed, sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Did you Expose? I was reluctant to expose, but when I started, it was actually fun and cathartic. I felt powerful, a sense of control.

Destroyed, if the affair has ended, then a plan of recovery is in order. Plan A ends when the affair ends.

How do you know the affair is over? Does she still have facebook on the computer? Do you have a keylogger on her computer so you know what she is doing?

First things first, my friend.

Here is a comprehensive "affair busting" recipe that has served many BHs well on this site.

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (�Eblaster� can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Much of the actions above seem stern and judgmental. NOW you're learning the first rule of re-shaping a WW's outlook on the joys of banging two guys: Sweetie, I'm about to ruin your life beyond all imagining if you haven't ended it to my satisfaction.

As an initial step in that paradigm-shift, get the mods to change your ridiculous title: Reluctant WW stuck in Facebook Affair should read Another Treacherous WW Conducting Physical Affair With Lowlife She Contacted on Facebook.

Please listen to this clip of the Harleys discussing the steps to take to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to recover from an affair

Destroyed, I'm so sorry you are here. I feel your pain. My story parallels yours, even the timeframes are close. The physical reaction you had was similar as well but I got no comfort from her and still haven't after 15 months.

Read my story, and also that of BlackHawk, both long, drawn-out situations where the FWW has mostly no interest in working on the marriage.

". . . The affair has nothing to do with the way she feels" (Or the reason she's been treating you like sh** these many months). . . Yep I've heard that one. The MB veterans here call it "wayward fog speak."
Call MB tomorrow and get a phone appointment with Steve Harley . I just started with him and so far has been a solid expert advisor on my situation. Like me, you need a specific game plan with a high probability of success . Steve can provide you with that.

Never give up.

Destroyed20,

As Driven2 pointed out, there are alot of similarities in our situations and all of us seem to have drawn-out situations with our WWs where they are not re-committing to the marriage. Asfor my situation, I began working with Steve in Nov 2011 and continue counseling with him regularly. With Steve's help I got my WW on the phone with him and we began seperate joint counseling for about 3 months. Prgress was slow but real and a family trip for 1 month over the holidays helped further. She was still relucatant though and later WW withdrew again and now I continue plan A'ing her and trying to persuade her to start working with Steve again. She seems deadset against trying again and in fact seems to see no hope. Sometimes I feel the same, but Steve keeps me accountable and focused on the prize, so I keep on keeping on. As driven2 pointed out, Steve will help you develop a plan that will give you your greatest liklihood of success in winning back your WW.

Blackhawk

Destroyed, am I reading correctly that the two of you are getting over 20 hours of UA time each week? If so, what does this time look like?

What are her major complaints about your marriage at this point?

Is your wife in contact with the other man at this time, or not? I am confused by your thread title and the contents of your post, and can't tell for sure from what you've said. Any contact at all, even "professional" contact or "sticking to appropriate boundaries" or whatever, means the affair is still on and recovery cannot begin.

Is she still on Facebook? The circumstances that led to her affair must be changed completely, and Facebook is one part of that.

Thanks all. Exposure was done by OMW on that end, and I did immediate family on this end. POSOM is in CA, we are back East. I have snooping covered fairly well on both her phone and computer, and we work together. Contact would be difficult, but one could always go to a prepaid cell, but I think I would find it. No social media(closed in Dec). I may have to leave to a tenant property form time to time, but just a few hours, and she does not know ahead of time,and she has no problem with me calling, and she calls me if she leaves. I am as certain of NC as possible since Christmas holiday time frame.

I am basically in same boat as Blackhawk and some others I think. I will go back and read these threads next week. WW is home, there are no LB, we spend time together, and actually use the POJA well. I think the anwswer is keep up the status quo. Hopefully, she will agree to actively follow MB and possibly coaching center at some point as the fog lifts and she sees that any complaints she had are no longer present. WW just today agreed to go on a trip for next few days. I will post when I get back next week if anything changes. Thanks to all.

Okay. You say HOPFULLY SHE WILL AGREE.
As the betrayed spouse you NEED o take the drivers seat for marital recovery.
Tell her you will NOT settle for a loveless marriage and DEMAND that she agree to your conditions to remain married to her.

Otherwise you will have a false recovery and she will just be smarter about covering up future affairs.

The conditions should be those layed out in Surviving An Affair and include her participation in marriage coaching

Did she write a NC letter?

If you're 100% that there's NC then what are you doing during your UA time?

How much UA are you getting?

What are her top EN? What are you doing to meet those??

Are you committing any love busters?

Here's another good clip about why a wife wouldn't be in love with her husband.
Radio clip on why a wife wouldn't be in love with her husband