My FWH wants to go to Las Vegas for a few days with his brother, nephew, and 2-3 other men. I'm not comfortable with it, don't want him to go, but feel bad denying him this chance to be with his brother and nephew. Before and during his affair we often did things, took trips, separately. Neither has taken a trip without the other since dday ( 2 years ago)

8years,

I would definitely not feel comfortable letting my FWH go on a trip like this. Definitely not.

Pre A days are very different than post A days. Pre A I wanted to be the 'cool wife' who never said her H could not do things, and frankly, I didn't really care if he went out for happy hours, traveled for work, went to a bachelor party, etc. I supported it wholeheartedly, I was not going to be controlling or insecure! Now that I have had that mentality bite me in the A$$, I know better. I don't see it as controlling, I see it as protecting.

Pre A my WH and I did lots of things seperately. We also had many poor boundaries and did not understand PROTECTION of a marriage the way we do now.

Post A days are different. Not just for a year, or two or three, but for the rest of your married life.

If you are not comfortable with this, and if I were you I wouldn't be, then this is a no brainer. He just shouldn't go.

I am pretty new to all of this and I don't have a good grip on POJA yet but obviously this should be POJA'd and clearly you are NOT in agreement with it.

Thanks for the input. I might as well continue this thread with another POJA issue. My husband goes out of town to work one day/week. I don't like it. he says there's nothing to worry about. ( His PA was with a co worker) and he works with mostly women. I get very anxious every time he goes there. I wish he would offer to quit , but he feels he can't without having a "good" reason to present to his boss. ( Doesn't want to admit to having affair at previous job). I don't insist because I feel like it makes me look like a "bully".

You're not enthusiastic, so he doesn't go. If he were to go, you would be sacrificing, and he would be gaining at your expense. It would drain your lovebank, even if you tried to force yourself to be happy about the idea.

Dr. Harley also suggests never spending a night apart.

Find something to do that you would BOTH love to do together instead.

Can you go with him on the trips?

Have you seen this? Traveling Jobs

You're anxious for a reason. The conditions for his affair haven't changed.

He should not be working out of town if it makes you uncomfortable.

Don't wait for him to offer to quit. Tell him he needs to. The affair is a good enough reason -- he can get over not wanting to tell his boss. He is putting your marriage at risk.

You're not a bully for refusing to sacrifice.

Ok Dr. Harely had a couple on the radio show that had trouble with POJA.

Please listen to this and tell me what you think.

Radio clip on having trouble with POJA
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

8YofL,

Sorry I don't recall your thread, but did you expose your H's affair to the degree that he has some fear of doing this again? That he knows what the consequences will feel like and that you are no longer a doormat?

Were any of the people he plans on vacationing with aware of or supportive of the affair?

God Bless
Gamma

8years, that is not good for any marriage, affair or not. I would let your husband know you don't agree and that you need to find a solution that works for you both. He should not gain at your expense unless he wants to be dealing with resentment for years to come. The worst thing you could do is go along to get along. That is not good for your marriage AT ALL!

Just follow the policy of joint agreement and you will be fine.

You are part of the problem if you have been capitulating, 8years. Capitulating is sacrificing, which is bad for marriage.

Have you and your FWH read Dr. Harley's books together (SAA, HNHN, LB)? If he's on board with MB, your husband should know why he can't go to Las Vegas without you, or work out of town one day a week. These are no-brainers especially post-A and MB gives you the ammunition you need to make your case.
Do you listen to MB Radio together? Would your husband be willing to call in to the show with you? Having your concerns confirmed by a third party he who he respects could help.

BUMPS

An important reminder: if your husband does *not* go on this business trip, IT IS NOT A SACRIFICE. A sacrifice is something you DO for your spouse that causes you to lose love units for them.

The distinction is important, because there are two sorts of resentment: active and passive.

ACTIVE RESENTMENT is resenting someone for something he/she has done. There is nothing they can do to take back their action; they cannot make up for it. This tends to be simmering and long-lasting resentment because it's impossible for the offending party to take it back.

PASSIVE RESENTMENT is resenting someone for something he/she is NOT DOING. Note it's a very "present tense" kind of resentment. At any time, this kind of resentment can be overcome by the offending parting DOING SOMETHING to stop the resentment.

In the situation you're in, you're faced with choosing to consent to your husband going, which creates ACTIVE RESENTMENT in you, or not consenting to your husband going, which creates PASSIVE RESENTMENT in him. The Policy of Joint Agreement, at its heart, always avoids active resentment in favor of passive resentment; once the two of you can agree on a course of action, the passive resentment disappears.

I ignore the possibility of him going without your consent, which is INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR, a huge Love Buster, and post-affair would be enough for me to evaluate if I ought to call it quits.

DNM, GREAT post. Love the def of active vs passive resentment, very useful.